Your Unreliable Source To The World

Dance until the lights come on

2010-09-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

Brightly colored paper

Lines the used and

Disregaurded dance floor

One celebration is as

Good as another

No point trying to stand out

Goodbye you said

Goodbye my love

One last look before

The tide comes in

Sail away my love

Sail away

Walking on Glass With Strings Attatched

2010-09-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?

How many times do I have to break down?

At what point do I say goodbye?

I think it's time you found the door.

Don't look back.

I don't need that from you.

Screaming so loud that I go silent.

I'll just sit on these steps and watch the puddles.

This is better for everyone involved.

Stepping off the edge into........

2010-09-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

There's this place I go inside my head where I'm not socially awkward and overly sarcastic. Where I'm just the right amount of witty and can light up a room just by walking through the door.

I've never really understand how people do that. How do you become the center of attention just by sitting down? How is that not something you strive for?

Of course, in the place inside my head I'm also brilliant and fly through classes like they're a vacation. School has always been work to me, not that its hard but it's just one of those things thats necessary to survive. I wish I could be excited about my College Mathematics class....but instead it feel like I'm having to go sit in a penitentiary for an hour.

Why can't I just sit at home and listen to music while doodling on a piece of paper?

I also have a group of friends that other people envy, in this place I go to. We all love each other, we're all fantastically funny and unique. I'm grateful for the friends I do have. Maybe I'm just a solitary person by nature, which really I'm perfectly fine with most of the time. I spend too much time inside my own head to divide my attention between a lot of people.

Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm selfless. How do you figure something like that out? Does anyone actually go through a period of self discovery like they do on Judd Apatow movies? Is there ever a moment where you say "oh, thats what I'm destined to do." It's disappointing, but I don't think so.

Maybe it's best to just do what you can with what you have and be happy with that.

The Divorce

2010-06-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

Lissy was a seven year old with pretty blond hair and dark brown eyes when she watched her daddy drive away for the last time. His fishing polls and ratty t-shirts packed into boxes.
She'd heard mommy crying as he walked out of the side door. Mommy spent a lot of time crying anymore. Ever since her baby brother had to go away.
Lissy knew what "divorce" meant, but she didn't know why it had to happen to her family. She remembered times when she'd gone to the park with mommy, or gone to the river with daddy. Happy times. But not anymore.
Lissy walked downstairs, holding onto the railing the whole way. Mommy sat on the floor in the kitchen staring at the cabinets. Maybe she saw shapes in the glass fronts just like Lissy did.
"Mommy?" Lissy said.
Mommy stared at the cabinets some more.
"Mommy, is daddy gone?"
Mommy nodded her head without looking. "He went away because he isn't happy."
"Is he coming back?" Lissy already knew the answer.
"No. No he isn't coming back."
Mommy stood up and walked over to Lissy. "Lissybeth you know how to make grilled cheese right?"
Lissy nodded her head, happy that she could do something so grown up.
"And you know how to make cereal for yourself?"
Again, Lissy nodded.
"You have plenty of clean clothes, and you know how to take a bath by yourself right?"
Lissy started to wonder if maybe she'd done something wrong. "Yes maam."
Mommy walked into the livingroom, again never looking at Lissy.
"Lissybeth you know how much I love your daddy don't you?"
"You used to call him your super hero."
"He still is Lissy. But I can't make him happy."
Lissy stood next to mommy and held her hand. "Maybe it was me, maybe I didn't make him happy."
Finally mommy glanced down at her. "No Lissybeth, it isn't you."
Mommy walked over to the desk in front of the big window. "Lissybeth, you know I can't live without your daddy don't you? I can't be alone."
Lissy stood where she was. "But you have me mommy."
"I know, but I can't do this without him." It sounded like mommy was far away. "Lissy, I want you to go up to your room now. Go up to your room and be a good girl."
Lissy automatically did what mommy asked, something she'd always been told to do. When she got to the stairs she looked back at mommy.
"I love you mommy."
Mommy looked at her. "I love you too Lissybeth."
Lissy had just closed the door to her room when she heard the loud POP.
She knew what that sound was, and she knew not to go downstairs.
And so Lissy did the only thing she could.
She crawled into her pink and white bed, and went to sleep.

Ravings of a Mad Woman

2010-06-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

I think it's interesting how people are constantly wearing masks. Not literally masks, but they make they're face portray something other than what they actually feel.

I suppose most of this is due to the stigma that it is somehow unacceptable to be anything but stupidly happy all of the time. Does it mean there's something wrong with being sad or angry or disappointed?

I understand that it isn't exactly healthy to walk around feeling sorry for yourself every minute of everyday. And really I am not the person to tell anyone to talk about what is in the depths of they're psyche.

How many times have I been told that I never talk about myself, or when something is visibly wrong I tend to shut down and get angry if pushed too far.

I have never been a big fan of talking about feelings. It usually makes me feel stupid afterward.

But does this make me seem boring to those who don't know me? Does this preference to listen to others instead of myself make me seem dull?

There are times when I wish my brain would shut of for a while, just so I could spend an hour or so without over thinking everything. Over-analyzing is one of my specialties.

I've never been afraid of being alone, not lonely, but alone. There is a difference.

You can be alone and not be lonely, just as you can be lonely but never alone.

Being alone has never scared me. For the most part I do well by myself.

So what does that say about me?

Doorknobs and Candle Wax

2010-06-19T15:37:00.000-07:00

There once was this girl.
And this girl had a red door.
Not a new door, but not an old one either.
But a well loved and well used red door.

Behind this red door she put all her memories, both good and bad.
She put all her sad thoughts.
They were all stacked in messy stacks with big blue signs on top.

After every memory she would choose the most interesting sign and stick the memory.
All the while this girl would smile and say that she had no regrets, no mistakes.
Because you see, this girl had convinced herself that if she couldn't see it then the hurt didn't exist.

But one day this girl opened the door and all of her memories were gone.
All her sad feelings were missing.
She slammed the red door and kicked at the wall.

It was the doors fault, it had failed her.
Because you see, instead of being locked behind a door they had all found they're way into her mind.
And so now, this girl I know, is looking for a new red door.

Mint Julips and Porch Swings

2010-06-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

There are specific things I love about the South.

I love sitting outside at night, especially summer nights.

The air is so thick it feels like someone covered you with a wet sheet in the middle of a sauna.

People talk about how southern nights are quiet, but I find them anything but. The screech of frogs and cicadas filling the darkness.

June bugs and moths circling the glow of street lamps.

Lightening bugs dancing in yards.

And no matter where you are there are stars to be seen. And even if you're in the middle of a city it's rarely more than a 20 minute drive to the middle of nowhere.

The slowness of summertime is maybe my favorite, although a little hurry and rush is never a terrible thing.

These are some of the things I love most.

One foot out the door, one foot on the threshold.

2010-06-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

Sad, melancholy, forlorn. Whatever you want to call it, that's what I am.

I can't explain why I feel that way. I just do.

There should be more than this. I should be more.

But how do you change something when you're not even sure what "it" is?

Talking about it isn't an option. Sympathy is and will not be tolerated.

To say I feel alone is an understatement.

But why am I not ok with that? Why do I need someone to pay attention?

Why should I care?

Saying I need something to change no longer helps.

Saying that I feel restless doesn't begin to cover it.

I need my turning point!

It's not that I want things to be better. I need them to be more.

I need myself to be more.

I want to be satisfied.

I want to be content.

Does that mean settling?

Does that mean becoming complacent?

Unhappiness has become part of my routine.

I need some shock and awe!

Something, dear God anything!

Jumping Ship and Riding Off Into the Sunset

2010-05-28T12:55:00.000-07:00

I think after a while you get used to the fact that everyone has disappeared.......or maybe it's left.

You get used to your phone staying continuously silent.

Or, maybe it's just that you try to forget.

I'm not all that sure, I mean I've always been somewhat anti-social. But this has become a little bit sad. I honestly can't remember the last time I had anything to do but go to work or go home.

Now, I don't want sympathy. Seriously I really don't, the last thing I need is for a bunch of people to feel sorry for me. This is merely to put some thoughts down.

I think more than anything it's shitty. It's shitty of people to get so wrapped up in their own lives that no one else exists. Maybe I was raised differently, maybe friendship doesn't mean that you're willing to do anything for someone you care about. Maybe it just means that you're nice to someone because they're convenient.

It could also have something to do with me. Maybe I'm the reason that everyone keeps jumping ship. I apologize for my moodiness, for the fact that at times I can drop off the face of the earth. I'm sorry if I'm the one who isn't a very good friend. It is possible that I've just made myself think I was really great at being a friend.

Anyways, sorry for the whiny factor in this post. But I figured it was better than letting myself become more and more upset by crappy people.

The Heart Aches and Shakes

2010-02-26T17:27:00.000-08:00

What is love?

Is it as the movie says? Never having to say your sorry?

I seriously doubt that.

I think love means having to say your sorry, and being comfortable in that knowledge.

But aside from that I'm not sure what it is.

It seems like almost everyone settles for the first person that will put up with them for an extended amount of time.

I think that is what scares me more than anything. I don't want to be with someone just because I'm afraid of being alone.

But do I really want to be alone? Yeah, there's a catch 22 for you.

And how do you know if you actually love someone? How do you know it's not going to fade after a few months? How do you know you're not going to sink into some kind of insanity and lose yourself?

This is what comes from thinking too much.

2010-02-13T16:05:00.001-08:00

Valentine's Day is tomorrow.

Worst holiday ever. It makes everyone who is in a relationship feel great. And everyone who isn't feel like the red-headed stepchild with lepersy.

Every other day of the year I'm absolutely fine with not being part of a couple, but then Valentine's Day rolls around with it's stupid teddy bears, chocolate hearts and over the top flower arrangements, and suddenly I start looking around wondering "what is wrong with me? if these morons could find someone why can't I?"

And it's definitely the wrong time for anyone to tell me. "Well maybe you just have to wait a little longer for the right person."

Easy for you to say douche bag, you've been with the same person for a decade.

I wouldn't be surprised if the suicide rate sky rockets during this weekend.

Not even the Olympics can make me feel better.

Stupid commercial holiday.

Living on the Other End of the Tracks.

2010-01-09T16:03:00.000-08:00

I've been in a state of hybernation for about a month now.

No, that's wrong. It's going on two months now.

Really, I suppose it's my fault. Something happened where I just wasn't happy anymore. With anything. Not my job, not my apartment, not my friends. And so like usual I just packed up and left.

If I look back over the last three years I've done that a lot. I always wondered why I've spend the majority of the time moving and the answer isn't that difficult to figure out. I've turned running away from my problems into an art.

And so now I'm living at home, with no job and not going to school.

Yeah, this is exactly where I wanted to be at 23 years old........

How did I get here. What chain of events led me to this, what could I have done? Am I really just that unproductive or lazy, or scared?

I'm willing to bet on the scared end of the stick.

There is something about asking for help that scares the crap out of me, always has. I'd rather not do something than run the risk of someone turning me down. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

I have all of these dreams and ambitions and hopes and desires and I can't make myself take the first step towards any of them.

I am my own worst enemy.

Lonely Times at the OK Corral.

2009-12-15T19:04:00.000-08:00

This is my last week in my apartment. It's my last week in Little Rock.

And I can't honestly say I'm sad about it. I love my neighborhood and aside from some minor problems I really do like my apartment. But other than that I don't feel like I'm leaving anything that important.

This is mostly due to the fact that the past month has been hectic. And that is putting it lightly.

It's hard to make people understand that I'm not being distant on purpose, I don't intentionally try to keep people at arms length. I've had a lot of....well crap......to deal with. And for some odd reason no one seems to get that.

I am not a person prone to drama, I much prefer to sit back and watch everyone else scramble. But I hate being the person that others depend on for support and then when it comes time that I need a little bit of understanding everyone runs in the other direction. It hurts more than anything to be told in no uncertain terms that my friendship is just not needed anymore.

I'm sorry. I'm venting and I really shouldn't be. But why shouldn't I go home to my family and two of my absolute best friends that I know will be there no matter what happens? Maybe it's something to do with the time of year, but it sucks when you find out that something you thought was so important and held so dear turns out to be a figment of your imagination.

Whoville and the Polar Express

2009-12-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

December.

Probably my favorite month all year long, even more so than my birthday month. I love everything about Christmas......except for the whole working in retail thing. I love the cold weather, I love the Christmas lights, the decorations on houses, I love stockings and Christmas cookies, and searching for better Christmas songs. It's a time of year that I always look forward too and always feel sad when it hits December 26.

It makes me sad when I meet people who hate the holidays. I can understand hating how people turn into lunatics and fight over a nose hairtrimmer just because it's 15$ cheaper. But to me, and maybe this is the cheesiest thing I've ever said, Christmas is about being with your family; whether they're biological or people you've acquired over the years. Who cares about presents? Just give me the whole day to sit around in my jammies eating cinnamon buns and drinking hot cocoa.

Now that I've made everybody throw up just a little I'll move on.

The last two weeks have been absolutely insane. I've gone from doing the same thing day in and day out to leaving my job and moving home. I'm sure my sister is just ecstatic........the sarcasm should be oozing down your computer screen right about now. But I'm really not that upset about it. It could actually be kind of nice to be back home for a while. For some reason I'm never completely comfortable like I am there. I suppose it has something to do with me continuously thinking of it as "home".

I've decided not to go back to school for now. I know, I know it's a tragedy. But I have got to get my shit together, I need to figure out who I am and where I want to go, and I'm not going to do that if I'm constantly stressed out about classes. So, I'm getting a full time job that provides health care, a necessity, and moving home so I can save up money and hopefully get a place by myself.

So.....cheers everyone! And have a merry and beautiful Christmas.

Windy Cities and Dinner Plates

2009-11-25T19:24:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving. And whereas I'm exciting to spend the day with my family and being engrossed in our insanity, but on the other hand working in retail and having to deal with Black Friday kind of puts a damper on the holiday. It's like everyone else gets to go out and have a great long weekend, but for those of us enslaved to corporate clothing and electronic stores its the day from hell. I don't care what any manager says, working the day after Thanksgiving is worse than getting a root canal.

I've been having an issue with moods lately. One minute I want to be around people and be social, and then ten minutes later I've turned my phone off and curled up in bed to read. I don't think I'm depressed and I know being slightly anti-social is one of the things I'm known for....but it's starting to get on my nerves.

Maybe part of it is my deep want for someone to rely on. Yes, yes I love my friends and my family is wonderful blah, blah, blah. But how nice would it be to know there was a name in your phone that no matter what was going on would pick up and genuinely listen.

Somehow I always end up talking about my love life....or lack thereof. It's not that I'm lonely, I'm moderately happy with the way things are. That isn't to say that I wouldn't mind if something changed. I feel like I'm on the edge of something. I don't know if it's bad or good, but I can almost feel it. I just wish someone would tell me that its ok to jump, or its ok to step back.

Headlights and Dashboards

2009-10-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

So I have a hard time communicating.
It's something I've been told and it's something I've noticed.
Because of my disposition it is often mistaken for fridged and passive aggressive when in reality the thoughts that are running through my head are often unable to make their way out.
So if you don't feel like reading any further feel free to go do something else.
This is mostly for myself.

I'm largely misunderstood......well that just sounds like the lyric to a bad 90's pop song.
I think for the most part people have a difficult time understanding me. But how can they be expected to when I have a difficult time understanding myself?
I am an introvert in every sense of the word. I'm not shy, but I just don't see the point in talking to someone until I've decided that I want to talk to them. I'd much rather stay home and read given the choice. I am much more comfortable in smaller groups than at huge parties where I don't know half the people in the room; I tend to feel claustrophobic and panicky. Above all, I am not a mean person, but it is difficult for me to show affection; I don't think its something I necessarily have to work on. I have to know someone for what I feel is an adequate amount of time before I let that barrier down.

And while we're on the subject of barriers. I don't want to say I've had the worst luck with relationships, maybe some of the most odd luck. I realize I'm probably too picky but when it comes right down to it all I really want is someone who truly likes me. Someone who wants to be with me and genuinely understands me. I just want a guy who actually wants to be my boyfriend, not a guy who has more emotional baggage than a French diplomats wife.....I have to put a great deal of energy into fixing me, I can't fix him too.

Let The Wild Rumpus Start!

2009-09-16T10:03:00.000-07:00

Its been a month since I was on here last.
No wonder no one reads this.

Should I make something up, and say I 've been super crazy busy for a whole month?
Too bad it isn't really true.

I work all the time now, to the point where a day off is like a vacation.
I realize that grown ups all over the world do this for a living, hold down a regular job that is.
But all I've ever known are 4-5 hours shifts that plop right in the middle of my day.
Now I'm working steady hours and can actually pay my bills without it taking up my whole paycheck. So what if that only leaves 20$ for the rest of the week.

I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm boring.
I'll be sitting in a room with someone and that person will be talking about something that I think is genuinely interesting, and in my head all kinds of thoughts are racing. But I never say anything.
It's like there's a wall between my mind and my mouth.
For some reason I just can't make myself say something to carry on the conversation.
It could be that I'm just bored, or maybe it's that I can't seem to put into words the fact that just being around someone else is good enough. I don't feel the compulsion to talk all the time. I'm a quiet person by nature, sometimes I wish I could change this. But unless I've had one too many or I'm in an uncharacteristically good mood I'm not going to jabber for thirty minutes about my day.
I get it from my dad.

I've also decided that I'm going to be Max from Where the Wild Things Are for Halloween.
It is by far my favorite children's book.
I realize that every other human on Planet Earth would say the same thing, but it was the first book I remember reading by myself.
And I love that instead of throwing a temper tantrum when he's sent to his room Max uses his imagination and runs away.
Oh Maurice Sendak. Thank you for dreaming up a little boy in footie pajamas.

Stare at a Wall, See if it Will Move

2009-08-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

There's this girl, and she sits at a computer.
She stares out the window a lot while twirling her hair.
She's always thinking and wishing and hoping and dreaming and scheming.
Waiting.
Waiting for something bigger and better to whisk her away.
People tell her things will change.
That one day she'll wake up and she won't recognize herself.

This girl I know?
She doesn't believe a word of it.
So she sits and she looks out the window.
She wonders what it would be like to pack a bag.
Throw a few shirts a pair of jeans and a pair of shoes into a backpack.
Take that backpack and never come back.
But this girl, she knows something she won't say out loud.
She's landlocked.

Landlocked by the walls, and the car, and the people and the job.
And by herself.
Yeah, mostly by herself.
So she sits and she looks out the window.
Her head has never been swimmy with love.
Her life has never been chaotic.
She's never disappeared.

So the girl, the one that I know?
She just stares out the window.
While sitting in front of her computer.
And twirls her hair.

Window Washers and Part-time Gardeners

2009-07-27T21:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently my writings are slightly melodramatic. I don't mean for them to be. But I find that if I'm going to spend the time to put something on here it's usually because I've got something on my mind. Not because I'm wanting to talk about how my day went.
I've been re-reading my old journals, and I realized that my writings go one of two ways: hugely dramatic or incredibly boring. There's not a lot of middle ground. Again, I don't mean for them to be like that.
Random Thoughts:
My roommate just killed a huge bug in our bathroom, all I heard was her shriek and then three loud thuds.
I'm starting to get bored with the way my room looks.
I am very, very, very bad at any kind of relationship-type stuff.
I am also a touch neurotic.
I feel like I should be more interesting, or that I'm just not interesting at all.
I'm not as mean as people say I am.
When do you stop feeling like a little kid in an aging body?

Auditory Confetti

2009-07-01T20:35:00.001-07:00

Its not often that I fall instantaneously in love.
But I have.
I have fallen in love with IO Echo.
I heard them on a commercial for some phone, I don't know which one.
They're awesome. Believe it.

If you've ever been apart of unrequited love.
Meaning: You like someone more than they like you, or they don't even know that you have feelings for them.
Listen to IO Echo's song "Doorway"
A-W-E-S-O-M-E
It's exactly what goes through your head when your not sure if your crazy or if the other person is just an asshole.

IO Echo.
"Doorway"

Do it.

The Waterfountains Don't Work

2009-06-30T11:37:00.001-07:00

*Disclaimer* This is still fiction, at no time has any of this become true.

Well here we are again. I gave you like two months to find something better to do with your life and yet, your still reading this ill-advised refuse. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe you're one of those people that lives with their mother and plays D and D with your old college roommate because neither one of you can get laid.
If that's the case, then I'm sorry that this will be the closest you'll ever get to knowing a woman.
If that's not the case, you deserve what you get.

I always knew my life wasn't going to be one of those where I suddenly realized all the terrible mistakes I'd been making and I made amends for all my missteps. There was never going to be a scene where the music swelled the camera pushed in on my face and you could see it on my face that I knew I was goin' places. Crap like that just doesn't happen, I don't care what you want to believe. And if you think it does you need to get over yourself real quick. At no point does anyone ever wake up and say "Hey, I'm a grown up now, I feel really responsible!" Everyone is scared all the time. Those love scenes you see in the movies? No one has ever experienced one of those, and no one ever will. No one is as interesting as they think.

But I had a good job, a nice apartment and a best friend. So I was reasonably happy with the way things were going. Did I want more? Of course I did! I was human. This is where Randy came in. Yes his name was Randy. I should have known it was stupid just from the fact that he has a ridiculous name. Never mind that he was Charlottes husband.

Stepping off the Curb Into a Big Ass Puddle

2009-06-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

You know after a while you begin to tell yourself that this time is the last time. That you aren't going to allow yourself to be sucked into that routine again.

Eventually you can't differentiate between this problem and a drug addiction.

Questions start coming to mind, because you aren't sure if this is because of you or because of something else. So mainly you blame yourself.

This also begins to sound like an abusive relationship.

The problem stems from the fact that it never gets to that point. Ever.

You get to a point where you begin to think that maybe its never going to happen. And you wonder if you'll ever just be able to accept that.

Getting Stuck On The Slide

2009-06-26T16:00:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson died, and its a little weird to see news reels of random people in the street openly weeping like they just found out they had some rare form of cancer and they only had two days to live.
I realize how important he was to the music industry, but seriously the guy was a little beyond creepy. And he'd been holed up in his Vegas house for like two years now.
I'm actually more upset about Ed McMahan dying. I mean come on! Its the guy who announced everything, and he gave away tons of free money.

I also think its amazing that Twitter and Facebook were shut down when people found out Jackson died, and yet if you were to ask any of those people whats going on in Iran? Ten bucks says they would confuse it with Iraq. You know, I'm not going to jump on my soapbox or anything. But come on! A country that we've been having serious disagreements with, and quite possibly has nuclear weapons just held an election that is more than likely not legal. But everyone freaks out when Michael Jackson dies.

Makes perfect sense.

Just killing some time.

2009-06-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

I don't keep diaries, I don't write down what I've done a particular day or gush about some boy I happen to like at the time.

I'm cynical and regarded as bitchy by some people.
I have tried to change how, well, mean I can be. But God I can't stand stupid questions.
I have a tendency to become flustered easily, and I have a bad habit of getting my hopes up.
I'm not very good at expressing my emotions, nor am I very good at showing them.

But I'm funny, I love the people I love.
And when I do care about someone, I care about them completely.
I'm quiet, which I think is a plus in my column.
I have no desire of living in the same town I grew up in.
I'm smart, and I know it.
I think there is life outside our universe, but then its just pretentious not to....
I like coloring books. Especially when I'm sick.

Searching for the light switch that just isn't there.

2009-06-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

I have a tendency to over explain myself, when there isn't a need for it.
Fix something that isn't broken, or just go ahead and break it.

I'm repeating myself alot these days
Verbally and by doing things that make me want to lock myself in a closet.
I'm throwing rocks at a window but the light is not coming on.

How do you know when something makes sense?

2009-06-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

The names they give to racing horses are just ridiculous.

When do you loose the relationship you once had with your parents that you had when you were a kid? The one where you ran at full, arm flailing speed into their arms because you couldn't wait to tell them about the things you learned in school. Or you just need to feel safe and the only thing that did that was the smell of your dads shirt or the smell of your moms perfume. How do we loose that? How do we go from feeling like they're our hero's to not being really sure how we came from them and not being sure if we can talk to them.

A Walk Through My Mind.

2009-05-22T20:35:00.001-07:00

I have now been told by several different people that I'm apparently very hard to get to know.
I realize why this is, I don't talk about myself nor do I ask personal questions.

Now there's not a whole lot I can do when it comes to asking other people questions about themselves, unless I, you know....ask them questions, which knowing me isn't likely to happen. But what I can do is offer up a little information about myself.

My favorite flavor of ice cream is coffee.
My favorite candy bar is the Watchamacallit even though they only sell them at gas stations...they are de-li-cious.
I don't like orange or apple juice.
I know more about car maintanance than the average girl.....or guy for that matter.
I own more Christmas socks than any one person should.
My favorite season is winter, although I do love spring which is apparently at odds with my personality.
I am a hopeless romantic, but I'm extremely cynical.
I know I can sing, but I hesitate to do so in front of others.
I hate shopping, meaning I don't spend hours wandering through stores hoping to find one or two things that I "might" like.
I love classical music, but I almost never listen to it.
My taste in music is better than yours, but you've probably never heard of my bands.
I don't like to talk during a movie I've never seen, but if it is a movie I've seen I'll sing along with the soundtrack.
I love classic cars, but don't ask me to name them.
I sleep better when I'm cold.
Once, when I was two or three I had to have my stomach pumped because I swallowed 13 cents.
My favorite animal is the Polar Bear.
I don't have a favorite color, but if you asked me I'd say orange.

Ok, goodnight.

The Truth about Being Oblivious

2009-05-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to think that I'm one of the most oblivious people in the universe.

How do you notice something that you've basically taught yourself to.....well not notice.

I'm good at pretending like guys aren't there.

But when I do that I get yelled at by the people around me, because apparently not noticing is the wrong thing to do.

But if you don't know me, flirting is not something I'm particularly good at.

Men are insanely confusing to me.

What is so hard about just telling me your attracted to me?

Riding the bus to the outskirts to the fact that I need love

2009-04-07T07:36:00.000-07:00

*Disclaimer* For those who take things too seriously. What I'm about to write is fiction.

If your looking for a story to make you feel better, or cheer you up; this isn't it. If you like the protagonist to be self-sacrificing, self-reliant, witty with all her ducks in a row; well that isn't me. If you like books where the girl falls in love with the boy and they learn to work as a "unit" and come to appreciate each other's differences, then you should go find a romance novel.

What I'm trying to tell you is that you should stop reading immediately and go find something else to do. Go fix that door thats been squeaking for six months, go mow the grass, go wash some laundry. Because this is nothing more than the story of how I came to hate who I am.

You will not like me by the time you read the last word, in fact this may be the last time you like me at all; if you like me in the least. So really, you should stop reading. Because what I'm about to explain to you? It'll make you want to set fire to your computer. If your the type of person who believes everyone deserves a second chance no matter how horrible the something they did, because its the type of thing Jesus might do, what I'm going to tell you will have you thinking Jesus didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. So this is your last chance to stop reading, and I don't know, trick some other poor bastard into reading it; at least you'd get a little entertainment out of this piece of crap. No? Alright then.

This is the story of how I single handedly destroyed the one person I cared most for, and then walked away. How did I do that? It was insanely easy. I had a five year affair with my best friends husband. I'll save the worst of it for later since your apparently invested in this masochistic crap shoot.

Standing in a Crowded Room, With No One There

2009-03-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on my back porch *because its the only place I can steal internet* after a day of running around. And I find myself trying to slow my mind down. And being frustrated that my N key is sticking for some reason and forcing me to slam my finger down on it to get it to work. nnnnnnnnnnnnn. Now my finger is sore.

When did being single become the newest incurable disease? Isn't this an age of growth and progressive thinking? Why then are single men and women, women most especially, in such a rush to match up, pair off and sprint down the aisle? All so they aren't the last one's standing when the music stops playing. Like its some twisted game of musical chairs.

Its become a game of bar hopping, one night stands, five minute conversations and quick glances to see if the person standing next to you is wearing a ring on their left hand. And if they are, trying to smother the disappointment of knowing there's someone else who found that person before you did. It's a problem of constantly wondering "what's wrong with me?"

And analysts and psychiatrists wonder why young adults have such self-esteem problems and communication issues.

Leaf Turning, Page Turning...Whats the Difference?

2009-03-02T14:49:00.000-08:00

Turning a new leaf.
Sounds perfectly simple. Too bad it isn't.

I hate pictures of happy couples that make you want to puke because they're so obviously fake.
Staged.
I hate people who try to be something they're not.
Fake.
Why isn't it ok to just be in a bad mood?
Why do you have to make excuses?
Why isn't it ok to be sad once in a while?
Sometimes its easier to be sad than it is to force yourself to be happy.

Witty whiticisms that aren't even funny.
Is it a wonder that being anti-social is preferable?
Stupid criticisms.
Playing favorites and you don't even know it.

Wishing That Wishing Made Hoping Come True

2009-02-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

I feel like everyone has a person they couldn't do without. One person that no matter what happened as long as that person was by their side everything would be alright. I'm not just talking about a significant other, I'm talking about someone you feel completely at ease with, someone who knows you inside and out, someone who can just look at you and know what your thinking. Someone who asks you to come over after they've had the worst day of their lives because they don't feel like you're company they feel like your family.

I can't really say I have anyone like that. I have friends that I love and who I'm sure love me, but I don't really depend on anyone. And I won't be so presumptuous as to say that anyone depends on me. Its so hard to get to a place where you can allow yourself to feel completely at ease, and I am especially bad at it. I tend to put up a front of being harsher than I really am or being quieter than I really am.

Sometimes.....sometimes I wish I had someone.

Wandering Down The Hall Without A Flashlight.

2009-01-28T18:38:00.000-08:00

Do you realize when your treating another person horribly?

Is that a trait that everyone posseses or is it one of those things that only a finite amount of humans have the capability of understanding?

How could one person not comprehend the fact that they are making another person feel terrible about themselves?

I understand fully and completely that I am not the nicest person in the universe.

But I always know when I've made another

human being feel less than good about themselves.

So it is beyond me how one minute someone can make you think your important and interesting and then the next make you feel as if you are absolutely nothing.

Lower than nothing.

Are there really those who are so consumed with themselves that they just don't care?

Could it be that I have appalling taste in character?

Maybe I should come up with some sort of character evaluation before I even speak to someone.

It really is beyond me.

If there is even the slightest bit of doubt that you've hurt someone you've cared about you should apologize.

I'm not talking about a cashier at a coffeeshop.

I'm talking about a person that you've had a relationship with, intimate or not.

You'd understand if you were cared about and then forgotten without cause or explanation.

Stopping a Drain With Papertowels

2009-01-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

I have to stop.

Just take a moment to breathe, collect myself.

Possibly remind myself that I am an adult.

Why I feel a compulsion to rely on someone else for happiness' sake...

Its something I've struggled with for a while now.

People who say they live in the moment have always astonished me.

How can you not wonder about tomorrow or the next week, or the year to come?

Wondering and guessing doesn't get you anywhere.

I get that.

But for some reason the idea of sitting by and waiting for something to happen,

It's mindboggling.

Trying to make things happen may be even more maddening.

And so patience is something I have to try out.

Its not something I've ever been good at.

Trying as hard as I have in the past is not something I can keep doing.

Asking myself why I'm not good enough, or just not enough.

Well, they're questions that I'm never going to answer on my own.

Beadboard and Coffee Mugs

2009-01-07T17:20:00.001-08:00

So I was taking a shower this afternoon, like I do most afternoons before work.

And I was thinking about some of the mundane aspects of my life.

I don't particularly mind the mundane-ness, but you know.

And then I started thinking about what would truly make me happy.

What I could do with myself that would just put me completely at ease.

I think I came up with something.

A two story house renovated into a bookstore and coffeeshop.

The bookstore will be darker tones of woods and soft rugs, big squashy chairs and old antique Tiffany lamps.

The coffeeshop will be in shades of creams, greens and white with wainscotting running the length of the walls. Lots of tables and chairs, a piano for anyone who wants to play and a balcony with....wait for it...even more tables and chairs.

Outside of town I will have a house that looks as if it was dropped into a forest.

I don't want anything huge, not even big.

Maybe two bedrooms.

All windows and hardwood floors with a big front porch.

I want a real fireplace so I can sit in my livingroom and watch it snow in the winter, afterall I plan on living in Oregon or Washington.

I want a dog and a cat, a huge lap dog that sleeps half the day and a cat that has more attitude than I've ever dreamed of having.

I want all of this. More than I've ever wanted to teach.

So what do I do to make it happen?

A Thesaurus Is A Handy Thing To Have

2009-01-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

I've decided I hate everthing I write.

No, seriously even this.

I sound stupid and moronic half the time and I end up getting lost in my own head.

There's a 90% chance that only three people on Planet Earth even read what I have to say.

Something tells me that a 12 year old dyslexic could churn out more profound literary thought than me.

My ideas are colorless and dull and as soon as they hit paper they're imageless and lifeless.

I cannot even begin to fathom how authors come up with plot lines and character devolpment, it seems like a feat unsurpassable.

How can I possibly ask someone to read a story I've come up with when I can't even stand reading it?

Yes, its sad and maybe a little self-pitying.

And yet, here I am.....writing.

For whatever reasons I still write.

I am constantly putting my thoughts onto paper.

Or typing them out.

It's like a mental tick.

So I'll continue writing.

Mostly text that is complete crap.

Crossing the River With No Rainboots.

2008-12-27T07:18:00.001-08:00

It's warm and windy today, not such odd weather for Arkansas other than the fact that its late December. Kind of puts a wierd twist on seeing Christmas lights.

Do you ever hear a band, or a song that reminds you of something or a certain time in your life? Almost every band I know does that for me. Most of them good, most of the time I associate good memories with a song or a band that I'm listening to. But there are those that will come on the radio and I'm hit in the chest with a flash of a memory that makes me want to pull off onto the side of the road and lay my head on the steering wheel. Its never the crappy bands that I don't listen to very often, the one's that I wouldn't mind so much if I deleted from my playlist. No, it's always the one's that I could spend hours upon hours singing along to, or driving down some back road while blasting their songs through my rolled down windows. It's these artists that I listened to for an entire summer while being blissfully happy until the world crashed down around my ears while I stood there completely mistified as to what exactly was going on. It was these songs I played endlessly while slowly losing myself until finally I had no idea who I was and not one clue as to how to fight my way back.

Oh, I know I've said all of this before. And I still sound incredibly bitter, and maybe I am; I don't like to think so. I like to think I've moved on a considerable amount. But like I said last night. It's not that I'm angry for the same reasons, I'm not. But an apology, or some acknowledgment goes a long way.

There's A Light In The Distance.

2008-12-22T16:19:00.000-08:00

Guess where I am? Yeah I know, not hard to figure out. Work.
So anyway, I have this problem and this problem is potentially huge. I'm not sure how to go about solving this potentially huge dilemna, because its also rather delicate. And if I approach it from the wrong direction I could ruin a friendship that I've had for a very, very long time. Or at least, piss this person off in a way that would damage the friendship possibly forever.
Sorry if that was confusing; but I can't really get into it.

It is almost Christmas however. And it being my last night to work before that glorious holiday has put me in a rather chipper mood. I just hope my tire doesn't blow out on my way home.
I have the entireity of tomorrow afternoon to do absolutely nothing, and so I'm thinking I might clean the apartment or go hiking. Whichever sounds more interesting. The apartment really needs to be cleaned, but I've really been wanting to hike through Allsopp park. Maybe I'll do both, live dangerously. I'm then spending the next three days at my sisters because there's food there and I can't afford gas.
Ok, well I'm done talking about absoutely nothing. Maybe next time I'll babble about world peace or famine.

Happy Christmas. Merry Holidays.

2008-12-07T13:16:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at work, I'm currently supposed to be answering phones and it might just be the most boring assignment ever. And I started thinking about something that happened recently.

Someone asked me if I thought saying "Merry Christmas" in a retail store was offensive. Now, at first glance those words look rather harmless, and I would be one of the first on the "tell everyone you pass to have a happy and joyous Christmas" bandwagon. But I started pondering why I would be asked that question in the first place. I remembered working at Target and how we were always told to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas but it was never really explained why we had to differentiate. Now I see the difference. Saying "Merry Christmas" only includes one holiday, saying "Happy Holiday's" includes all of them, and whether you like it or not, agree with it or not there are other holidays around this time of year besides Christmas. So really, its just good manners.

I told the person who asked me that I thought it would be better for a person working in that kind of environment to say "Happy Holidays" just to avoid offending anyone. This person looked at me like I had just sprouted a third arm out of my forehead. "But its Christmas time!" they replied. They were so angry by my answer, and so confused as to why I did not agree with them that they immediately launched into a lecture about how ridiculous it was for "us" to sacrifice our Christmas season and greeting just to accomodate a few people.

I considered explaining that the reason Christmas is at the end of December every year is because the early Christians needed a way to convert the pagans and so they combined their main religious holiday with the pagan's main religious holiday...the winter solstice. But I refrained and instead said that we weren't "accomodating" a "few" people, but a large percentage of the United States population, let alone the global population. And that they should be more considerate because I doubt they would like it very much if someone came up to them and said "Happy Hahnukah" or "Merry Kwanza" and then thought they were ridiculous for not realizing it was the same season.

My point is, we all need to be a little more tolerant of each other. Especially given what time of year it is, and why everyone keeps saying this season is all about.

Happy Holiday's everyone!!!!

My Edward until I find my Edward.

2008-12-04T17:43:00.000-08:00

I'm not a scholar by any stretch of anyone's imagination, and I certainly do not count myself among those who are considered poets. But I am a decent writer, and in my decent writing I will elaborate on one of the most enigmatic and marvelous human beings I have ever met in my 22 years of existence.

Dustin Ashley Beam swept into my life in June of this year when we were both cast in a production of Godspell. I was at a point in my life where I didn't really know where I belonged (I was living with my engaged friends, I had just broken up with this guy, I hated my job) and having the show to escape to was something I was looking forward to. The only downside was that I didn't know a single person on cast and they all seemed to know each other. Luckily they were incredibly welcoming and lovely people and made me feel as though I fit in from the start. There were a couple castmates that I always viewed as being more talented and cooler than me; Jen, Jeremy, Duane and of course Dustin. I think he would agree with me when I say we were wary of each other in the beginning. I tend to shy away from those who are the center of attention (he doesn't demand it, people just seem determined to pay it too him) and I'm sure I looked a little different from everyone else, I kept to myself quite a bit at first which could have been interperated as coldness. Either way it took me a while to get to the point where I felt like I could approach him......it sounds like we're dating. And to be completely honest I'm not all that sure how it happened. I remember the two of us forming our first Megan and Dustin bubble during a movie when we saw Dark Knight and after that it somehow became a ritual for us to brush our teeth together before a show, which I still miss.

I was terrified after the show ended that I would never hear from him again, like a guy who takes you on the best date of your life and then never calls. But of course he did.

Dustin is easily one of the best people I know. He loves absolutely and unselfishly, a quality many people wish they had. He never truly lost his childlike wonder and because of that I am constantly in awe of him. That ability to never allow himself to become jaded or cynical is a wonderous thing. He is completely comfortable in his own skin and knows he is a talented man who has much to offer the world. But in the eyes of those that love him solely on who and what he is, he is what you want your son to grow up to be, he is who you hope your soulmate emmulates, he is everything a best friend is and should be. He makes me a better person. It really is too bad that he likes men also because if he didn't I would marry him. But instead I will settle for him being one of my best friends.

Dustin, you said I was your find of 2008, well you my love are just my find. Because there isn't anyone like you in the whole universe. I love you.

Staring at the bottom of a well

2008-12-02T09:20:00.000-08:00

I don't write on here as often as I would like to, mainly because there are times I start out with one idea and end with a completely different one. And most of the time I end up writing depressing and morose subject matter. I'm going to start out that way today, but I'm hoping by the end I'll end on a lighter note.

I've been in hiding lately, my thoughts have been running at a lightyear a minute. I can't seem to keep myself still and I'm never quite happy. I'm the lonliest I've ever been but the idea of dating sends literal shivers down my back. Me and dating has never been a good idea, it always ends with a pathetic phone conversation and me thinking "yup that ended just like the last ridiculous excuse for a relationship I had". But I've come to the point where I don't do anything, I'm in a rut you might say. The word routine is such a bland word for what I do everyday that I don't even want to use it. I even wake up at the same time everyday, I can't seem to help myself and no matter how hard I try I can't make myself go back to sleep.

I leave my phone at home all the time. I honestly don't remember the last time I took it with me when I left the house, which I realize probably isn't the best idea in the world. But the thought of checking it non-stop just to see that nobody has called me is one of the most depressing things ever. And so I leave it stuck underneath my pillow, as if not seeing it makes it nonexistant.

Now, I don't want it to sound as if I'm unhappy, or that I somehow hate myself. Because believe me I don't. In fact, I've spent the last year and a half getting back to a place where I like who I am. But this time of year.....well its difficult to explain. I love Christmas, I always have. I love the lights and the cold weather, I love wearing sweaters and scarves and mittens, I love Christmas music and drinking hot chocolate. But last year was maybe the worst Christmas I've ever had, and this year for some reason brings some of it back. But it also makes me realize just how far I've come. Not in an "I'm an amazing woman and I kick ass" way but in a "time really does heal things" way.

Someone said to me recently that I've changed, that I'm not the same person I was. And at first it hurt because two years ago I really liked who I was. I was the most independant person I had ever known, really I was the most independant person a lot of people knew. I was cynical and funny and for all intensive purposes grumpy about 90% of the time. I'm all of those things now, but I'm a lot more vulnerable, I'm more sensitive to people and to some extent I'm more introverted....if thats possible. But I'm also kinder, which I didn't think would ever be possible. Yes, I still have a tendency to tell people they're morons, but I might say it in a nicer tone. I can also hold a conversation with a complete stranger.

I have also met some of the most important people in my life over the last year and a half. People I'm not sure I could live without now. People who have changed me for the better.

So, are there times when I wish I could pack up everything and move somewhere where nobody knows me. Yes, absolutely. But it wouldn't fix anything. And I don't think it would get me out of the rut I'm in now. I just wish something would change, I wish something would happen. Because I've decided I don't deal with boredom very well.

Sitting at the Cool-kid Table

2008-11-22T10:39:00.000-08:00

Last night at work there was a little girl who was eating with her family and she had this sweater with a hood that had mouse ears on it, and the entire time they ate she wore the hood with ties tightened around her face. Next to her family was a table of girls that were probably between the ages of 10 and 14, they were the type of girls who all wore the same clothes and shoes (Ugg boots) because they didn't want to stand out too much or be noticed for anything other than the fact that they had pretty hair and they giggled a lot. The girl with the ears would laugh at something her mom said and then hug her father or do something goofy and then look over at the other table of girls to see if they had noticed or if they were making fun of her. While standing there I realized something; I was that little girl when I was growing up. Slightly awkward, never really fitting it, always wishing I could sit at the cool-kid table. But I realized something else while sitting there, now that I'm older, I'm glad I never sat at the cool kid table, those girls were boring and annoyed me. Where as the little girl with the mouse ears made me laugh the entire time they were there.

The Rantings of a Lunatic At Sea

2008-10-09T07:00:00.000-07:00

Here are three of my favorite poems.

Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all we shall know for the truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you and I sigh.
"A Drinking Song" by W.B Yeats.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead,
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
~"Mad Girls Love Song" By Silvia Plath

Ever been kidnapped
by a poet
if i were a poet
i'd kidnap you
put you in my phrases and meter

You to jones beach
or maybe coney island
or maybe just to my house
lyric you in lilacs
dash you in the rain
blend into the beach
to complement my see

Play the lyre for you
ode you with my love song
anything to win you
wrap you in the red Black green
show you off to mama
yeah if i were a poet i'd kid
nap you
~"Kidnap Poem" By Nikki Giovanni"

Dancing down the cobblestones

2008-10-03T06:36:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the library at 8:30 in the morning. I'm contemplating going to purchase some coffee. Apparently the library is updating its furniture. *Nothing in the world would help update this library that looks as if it just came off of a Bob Newheart shoot*

I keep thinking about where I was a year ago. I keep thinking about how much can chang in a year. And I keep thinking about how I swore I was going to stay the same person forever. What I mean by that is, I swore I was never going to get any better; I swore I was going to stay in the same "rut" for the rest of my life. Locked up in that little apartment watching sad....sad movies all by myself eating cereal and juice and coffee forever. Occassionally going to class, but even then if I went to campus I would still leave in the middle of the day to wander around Little Rock. And then at night, I would drive around town listening to music too loud until I was too tired to drive. I would go through cycles of wanting to talk to someone so badly that I would call practically everyone in my phone, to not answering my phone for days.

Yeah, I knew I was slightly crazy. But I was alright with it because I didn't know how to be any other way. And because I didn't know how to be any other way, I honestly didn't think I was ever going to get any better. But time does pass, even when you think its the most unlikely thing to ever happen, and each ticking of a second feels like the passing of a day. Time does pass, and time does heal. As horribly cliche as that sounds.

And now, I am exactly where I want to be. I would not say that everything is perfect, because no one's life is perfect. And if someone is saying that, they're lying. But I'm where I want to be. I have a job I like, I'm living exactly where I want to live. I have the most amazing friends I've ever had. I might not get to see them as much as I'd want, but its ok. And the part that I'm most alright with, is the fact that everything is not alright. I would be scared if everything was perfect, if my life was completely in line. I like the fact that I have to struggle, that I have to fight.

I had it great and perfect for a while, and then my world exploded. Great and perfect? Its not all its cracked up to be.

Juxtaposition With a Rose and a Tulip.

2008-09-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

I will admit, if we're being honest; and I think we might as well, that I haven't been writing on here because I'm been putting down all of my thoughts in writing. Not for any particular reason, I suppose because its easier and for some reason my thoughts seem more congruent on paper.

I've been in a bit of a funk. Why, my avid reader, you might ask? Because I'm annoyed by everything and everybody. During a conversation with someone, and it doesn't matter who, I find myself lost in my own thoughts. Partly because I've been consumed in my own world but also because I simply don't want to be engaged in a conversation with anyone. And then once I realize that the other person realizes I'm not paying attention I'm annoyed at them for being annoyed. Its a strange dichotomy.

This is me at my most anti-social. I thought maybe I was unhappy for some unexplicable reason, but after some heaving thinking I came to the realization that it is just the opposite. I'm strangely happy for the first time in a very long time. There's nothing dramatic going on, I go to work and I go to school and I'm completely serious when I say there really isn't anything else going on. And for the first time in over a year there is no male trouble, I am completely and totally fine with the fact that I have no romantic interests right now. I prefer it that way, its taken me too long to get to this point to mess it all up again.

So why then am I suddenly a virtual introvert? I really have no answers, nor do I really have any theories. I've never been stellar when it comes to keeping conversations flowing, but this is a bit ridiculous. And the idea of having to be perky leaves me a little sick. I'm hoping it will pass, because I know most people don't understand it. I'm not sure I do for that matter.

And We Took Our Bows To The Anxious Crowd

2008-06-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

So what exactly is it about my genetic makeup that makes me predispositioned to find guys who are neurotic and can't make up their goddamn mind?

Here I was rather content to just hang out with him and hold hands. And he's practically having nervous breakdowns about the fact that his life is apparently not put together.

We're 22 years old. No one's life is put together at 22 years old!

I'm just so exhausted. I mean really tired. I just want someone who wants to be with me, and is ok with just being with me. Someone who isn't completely obsessed with what is going on in their lives, or what isn't going on in their lives.

I suppose I should be greatful that he didn't just drop off the face of the planet and stop talking to me all together. But he's the one who started this in the first place. I didn't ask him to talk to me again. I was completely fine without him.

Stupid indie, pretentious, tattoo boy.

Why can't I hate him?

Why do I still want to be friends with him?

At least this isn't as bad as the last one. Thank God for that. No laying in the kitchen floor, no crazy ranting.

I'm done though. I am soooo done.

All Thats Left Is Whats Debatable Again.

2008-05-28T07:47:00.000-07:00

It's been annoying me ever since you asked and I gave a crappy answer, considering it's what I want to spend my adult life teaching. I should be able to explain to my students why history is important, why it is so much more than a bunch of old dead guys and dates, and why they should give shit. But it's difficult when it seems like nothing more than facts. Events that took place in a time that never mattered to you, had no adverse effect on what is going on today. And it's especially hard when we all realize that we won't end up in any history or record books and that eventually we will be forgotten. I understand that will all of these things stacked up against it the subject of history seems, to put it mildly, boring. Antique. Unnecessary.

But if you will just allow yourself to stop looking at history as a dead and decaying subject and instead realize that it is very much a living, breathing thing. History is what is happening right at this very moment, it's what happened yesterday, it's what will happen tomorrow or a year from now. It may be a terrible example but, our kids are going to ask us what it was like to be alive when September 11th happened; where we were, what we were doing. Hell, they may even ask us what we were doing when the blackout in New York happened. All of it is history, we may not see it that way, but it is. We don't even know what future generations will find fascinating......maybe the "Emo Movement"?? This recession will be talked about, close to how the Great Depression is talked about. I'm not saying we'll be in bread lines and we'll tack on signs outside our towns telling people that transients aren't welcome, but in our century its probably as close as we'll come. We'll talk about George W. Bush like our parents talk about Nixon. History is not old and dusty, it just has a bad reputation for being that way, because that is how it is taught most of the time.

I was wrong when I said we learned from our mistakes. We don't for the most part. Otherwise, we wouldn't still have genocides, only in different countries. There wouldn't be anymore war, world or civil. American's wouldn't be trying to shove democracy down everyone's throats because they would know that you can't force a form of government on a people. But these things still happen, of course they do; because people, especially world leaders, are morons and it's a shit, shit world. Except, I believe we, as a human race are capable of learning from our mistakes. Countries by themselves have learned from their past; America no longer practices slavery, Britain is no longer colonizing India, Russia is no longer Communist......probably. So yeah, the world is not perfect, but I think we can try.

On of the most important points to me, although maybe not to anyone else, are the people throughout history who have died for what they believed in, or shown that greatness is possible. Those men and women deserve to be remembered. Franklin Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy and Lindon B. Johnson, they deserve more than to just be remembered as dead presidents. Margaret Sanger, Elizabeth I, Harriett Tubman, Rosa Parks, Catherine the Great; they all deserve more than to be remembered as merely women. The soldiers of the Revolutionary, Civil, and World Wars although we may no know all their names we can learn about the battles and their culture and remember them for what they sacrificed.

I could keep going, but I can't really tell if I've made my point or not. We don't disappear once we're gone, whether we know it or not. Everyone makes their mark in history, it just depends on how big you want your mark to be.

Till the Green Apple Grows on a Sour Apple Tree

2008-05-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

Loose ends.

My life is a bunch of loose ends. Oh, I'm not trying to sound overly dramatic or make anyone feel sorry for me, it's just a fact really. It always feel like I have a million little things to finish.

Probably my fault most of the time.

Skepticism is a good emotion, even if you think its not. I promise its one of the best tools a person can have. Hold on to it if you keep nothing else. It's a hard lesson that I had to learn. I lost it and I trusted blindly.

The bitterness returns full swing.

Its hard not to let the bitter feelings, thoughts and mindset return. Its so much easier, so much safer. No one gets hurt. You don't have to trust, don't have to hope anymore.

Its the hope thats the worst.

So what am I doing now? I'm allowing myself to hope, and I'm not sure why. I'm skeptical, oh God. I can't afford to be hurt like that again. I won't survive. But I can't hide forever either.

Conundrum.

Just Because We Use Cheats Doesn't Mean We're Not Smart

2008-05-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

God its been forever since I've actually written something on here. I'm considering putting this site on facebook or something, not because I want more people to read it but because I want people to understand. I tell someone that I went crazy and they give me a look like "yeah....sure, ok". But if they read the things I posted through August and September they'll understand. You can't help it.

What a scared naive little girl. And before that, what a starry-eyed idiot. Its amazing how much things have changed and how much things have stayed exactly the same. There are moments. I think everyone has them, moments when you know things are going to work out or get worse. I've had several, of both. But I'm no longer stagnant.

The stagnation was probably the worst, it was probably what was driving me to feeling so crazy, so close to that borderline between sane and over the cliff. Nothing moved, nothing changed, nothing happened, nothing got better or worse. It was as if I were being punished for something I hadn't done, for something I wasn't even aware of.

I'm getting too pretentious and stupid. My point, and I do have one. Is that things are better, but they aren't great. But I don't want them to be. I would be worried if everything was great. I would be worried if I had a ton of money and I'd met the love of my life and I were living in little rock in a great apartment and my car ran just fine and I had a fantastic job. I would be waiting for the bottom to drop out. I would expect a meteor to hit the earth or for a bomb to hit or something. Small time disasters are good if you think about them.

Last summer was too perfect. I had no complaints. Oh, I'm sure I did at the time, but looking back it was too great. I had the perfect guy and an awesome house that was constantly filled with people. I live with two of my best friends, I was working and I was always busy. And then look at what happened. The bottom exploded out from under me.

So I'm a little ok with the fact that everything kind of sucks right now.

Duct Tape and Soldered Wire

2007-10-02T07:04:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to The Weakerthans non-stop lately. I now have every one of their albums and I'm pretty sure there isn't one of their songs I don't like. I highly recommend them on anyone who has even decent taste in music, and if you don't listen to them anyway so that you have something good in your library.

I've also been reading everything I can get my hands on. I always prided myself on being well read, but this was pretty much a bold faced lie. I mean, I read at a fast pace, and fairly intelligent but I don't read all that much. Except over the last month I've re-read everything I own and I've been buying books like crazy. I just got done reading a book called "An Unquiet Mind" it was incredible. Its written by a psychologist who suffers from bi-polar disorder. The way she describes the mania's and the depressions is so breath-taking. God I can't even imagine.....I just can't imagine. I'm now reading "Girl Interrupted" its actually quite different from the movie, but not so much that I'll end up hating the movie. Next in line is a Chuck Palanauk book, and then hopefully I'll have something in mind after that.

I'm trying to keep as busy as possible, I'm working whenever I can. For the first time ever, I'm telling them to call me if they need someone to come in. Believe me I was shocked when I actually said it, and even more so when I accepted the first time. The money will be nice to have, and it gives me something to do. Sounds pathetic right? I don't mean for it too, I just don't want to sit at home right now. The idea of it makes me itch. Imagine, me not wanting to be alone right now. A year ago and thats all I would have wanted, the idea of living alone would have been a dream come true. But now its just where I'm at right now.

Megan

Anyone heard of Suffrage?

2007-09-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

Once apon a time I wrote about actual issues that meant something to me on here. Yeah I know I said I was done. Sue me, whatever.

Today while driving to school I was listening to NPR (If you don't know what that is, then shame on you) and they were talking about a trial that is taking place in Utah between a polygamist and one of his wives. He raped the girl when she was 14 and then forced her to marry him, the prosecuting attorney is now bringing out photos of her honeymoon in which she is smiling as evidence that she was happy in the marriage. Sound fishy to anyone else?

First of all, polygamy is a little strange in itself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a person to judge anyone on their beliefs. It is not my job to tell anyone they're wrong. Personally I'd be bored to tears if we all believed the same damn thing, so I'm glad that there's some crazy ass people out there. But the fact that there are people out there that think its perfectly fine to have 7 or 8 spouses is just a little odd you know? I mean its hard enough to have a normal relationship with one person let alone 5 other people.

I digress.

The prosecuting attorney is forcing this poor girl to re-live the experience of being raped by her second cousin, not to mention a man twice her age. And then they make her sister get on the stand and testify to the fact that she herself was almost forced to marry a man that was 85 years old. These are people that honestly think that women have no right to say no to men. Excuse me if I'm correct, but it is 2007 and not 1777 right? I know I'm repeating myself when I say this, but our ancestors did not work as hard as they did (Margaret Sanger, Elizabeth Stanton) so that we could still live in the dark ages. And then for an issue like this to basically go unnoticed. Its ridiculous people. We need to stop focusing on issues like what Britney Spears is doing to her hair and start focusing on issues like what people are doing to their children and how women are being treated in todays society.

We've come a long way, it is true. But we still have one hell of a fight ahead of us.

Megan

Gearing Up To Scream

2007-09-13T06:08:00.000-07:00

Alright, so this is it for this blog. I keep forgetting. Ok thats a big lie, but we'll just go with it yeah?

We'll go with this one and say that things have been going relatively well the last few weeks. The place is great.....yeah thats right its great, being all alone. Its nice to be a grown up and have a place to myself, not to live with the family or with roommates, to come and go as I please.

I got my financial aid the other day and I seriously considered just leaving. Driving to Chicago or Seattle or maybe Denver. I'd like to see where I was born. I could do it, just pack up and move, go where nobody knows me. Start over, get a job at a measuem somewhere. It was incredibly appealing....I'm still not sure what stopped me. Probably fear. Yeah, probably.

My professor broke his leg last night so class is canceled today. Too bad. I might actually go to the bookstore today.

God I love the Old 97's.

I'm writing a lot. I bought a journal, it'll probably join all the other journals I buy in my journal graveyard pretty soon. But for now I'm writing. So here's this.

Blue and green. Purple, pinstripes. Ever so lucky right? The marathon was run by the wrong person, too bad no one won the ribbon. So here she sits back on the cliff with the windows burning behind her. Music too loud, laces too tight. Answering a question that hasn't been asked. Warning Will Robinson! That was my band first. Breaking hearts, tangled hair. Blood on the moon, not quite. Starry skies and rainy streets, its all part of the game. I'm not very good at playing.

Megan

2007-08-25T20:43:00.001-07:00

And Now For Something Completely Different.

2007-08-21T05:08:00.000-07:00

Razgrad, Bulgaria, 1962

Edit: The auras have started again. Damnit.

At last! Oh thank God at last! I can breathe! I can breathe! School has started, and I can take a breath.

I feel.....I don't have a word for it. Its like when the main character of a book or a movie has been revived and she's walking down the street to ass-kicking music and you know that everything is going to be ok. And she's got that smirk on her face like she could take on the universe. That is how I feel right at this very moment. God I feel brilliant. And I don't care about anything. Not a goddamn thing.

I just got out of Philosophy, and I don't know why I hated it so much. I'd taken it at UCA, and its the only class I've ever dropped. But for the life of me I can't recall why. It was amazing. My professor is hilarious, he curses like a sailor and makes no excuses for himself. He explained the class in a way that everyone was comfortable with but at the same time he didn't sugar coat it. He told us it would be hard and that there would be times when we would probably want to drop because we wouldn't like what he was talking about. Although I doubt I'll have many problems.

It was so great to walk onto campus this morning and have everything be so quiet, so still. I've missed it, and I'd forgotten how much I'd missed it.

"You've got questions, we've got answers" thats what the big plastic banner in one of the planters said in front of the student center. The design looks like something they ripped off of a pair of Chuck Taylors. All of the posters in the library say things like "Read into Success" I don't know where they come up with that shit. I wonder if someone just sits in an office all day and thinks of the cheesiest slogans they can come up with.

What a job that would be.

Being back here makes me realize I really do want to teach. I want more than anything to stand up in a classroom and talk about things like the Bolshivik Revolution and the Civil War. And when my 8am classes just stare at me I'll piss them off so that they have to discuss things with me. Yeah, I'll be one of those professors. I'll be heinous, and I'll be great.

Meg

One Last Time

2007-08-20T13:42:00.000-07:00

Ah Goddamn it! There I was, I had my chance to say anything to him, and I just kept saying the same blasted thing over and over again!! God I suck.

Well here it is, here are the things I didn't say. You ready, of course you are. You already think I'm crazy. And if your still reading this, then you get what you deserve.

So go ahead and drop off the face of the earth, I probably will too. But I'll drag you out of whatever hole your hiding in. Go ahead and date some vacant little girl who can be arm candy and blend in at all the events, sorry I just couldn't make myself do that. Go ahead and take me off your top friends list and take down all of our pictures if it makes you feel better. Yes it will hurt me, but I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself.

You know what I miss the most? I miss my best friend, the person I could talk to about anything or sit in complete silence with. The person who would crack up with me at just a look, the person who has the same taste in music and movies and books. But that person is gone right now, he's not the person who sat in front of me today. But I know you can be again. Your a good guy, your a guy who brings his mother flowers, your a guy who loves thunderstorms, your a guy who feels bad if he has to ask his friends for a favor, your a guy who cross-stitches for God sake! Your a great friend, and a good man.

So fine, take whatever time you need, I'll admit I still need some time too. But you can't just make me disappear. You made a mistake when you let me in, I'm not going anywhere so just suck it up. And stop acting as if I'm going to throw myself at you and beg you to take me back if you talk to me, I have some pride for Christ' sake!

All I'm asking is that you stop being so cruel, there's really no reason for it. And for the record, you should know me well enough to know that I'm not going to go out and fuck every guy I meet now, its just insulting.

So when you decide to stop being a jackass, give me a call, we'll go have coffee or something. I'm always here, I actually mean it when I say it. You have your stuff back now, your shoes you just had to have back for work today.

By the way, I'm about to move into my apartment, you should stop by.

Meg

And I Think To Myself, What A Fucked Up World.

2007-08-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

Second Edit: Sorry.

I'm tired of National Geographic, but couldn't decide what else to put up here. I might put something up later.

I've decided that I'll keep posting on here because I'm not going to change my life around just because of something that happened. Yes I realize you will probably read this, if you don't thats alright too. I need somewhere to put my thoughts, I could put them on my desktop but its not as lethargic as knowing they might be read by random people.

One day I'm completely pissed off. I could not be more angry, I want answers that he is not willing to give. I don't understand why he is being so cruel! Why can't he just leave it be? Yes I talk about it, about him. But I have not said one unkind thing. So why must he? It hurts worse than anything else could. Maybe thats the reason. Maybe he's trying to hurt me. I really shouldn't react, I should revert back to elementary school days and just ignore it, but Jesus it is hard. I want a fight so badly, I want to scream and yell. He robbed me of that by being so completely unemotional, so blank. It isn't fair damnit!

The next day I'm actually alright, I want nothing more than to move on. I'm ready to get past it all. I absolutely cannot wait until school starts. I am so ridiculously excited about moving into my little apartment! God, how fantastic will that be for me to just be and not have to make excuses to anyone? I'm looking forward to the prospect of becoming a different person. A little of who I was, and a little of who I am. Kind of like a really great recipe. Because lets face it people, I changed. I changed a lot.

Which brings me to my next point. I'm finding my intelligence again! I hadn't realized I'd lost it until my sister told me she'd missed my brain. I hadn't realized I'd missed it too. Why had no one told me? Why was he the only one trying to inform me that I had lost the ability to hold intelligent conversations? There's something wrong with that!! I miss how witty I once was, how cynical I could be. God I was marvelous sometimes. Yes I was arrogant but thats one of the things I loved about myself. And suddenly it wasn't there anymore, it vanished in a puff of hearts and bunnies and flowers. I was doe eyed. Doe eyed for God's sake! Me! The most bitter person I've ever known! And maybe that was also part of my problem, I was a little too bitter. And so I'm not reverting back to the bitterness. I like that he taught me not to be bitter, that I didn't have to be.

In a lot of ways I'm starting fresh. My new apartment, school. I'm taking a leave of absence from work. God I hate those people. This is a new beginning for me. I think it will do good things for me. Yes this is hard, yes there are times I want to curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head, but this is a wonderful/horrible learning experience for me at the same time.

Do I hate him? Absolutely not. I never will. I hope he doesn't hate or dislike me. Yes I wonder about him, yes I worry about him. I can't help it. But I'm getting better, I'm moving on. Its the healthy thing for me to do right now.

I told him he was a wonderful person, and I still know he is.

I'm trying to become one.

Megan

Edit: I was always excited to see you, always. I didn't want to show it toward the end because you never seemed excited to see me. I didn't want to seem pathetic by allowing my face to light up every time I saw you. But the way I acted whenever you would come over and wake me up? That is how I felt inside.
A big stupid grin.
Just thought I'd let you know. Nerd.

2007-08-11T17:55:00.001-07:00

I have found my anger.

Megan

The Best Thing

2007-08-09T22:01:00.001-07:00

Redwood National Park, California, 1983

Am I angry? There are moments when I am. There are moments when I wish I were strong enough to punch a hole in the wall and that would be enough. I wish I could go into the woods and scream, and scream, and scream until my voice gave out.

Am I sad? A little. My eyes hurt. My tears are done. There are no more for you. I guess the anger isn't gone.

Am I lost? Yes, most definately. I don't know where I am anymore. I don't know how to find myself right now. I've been gone for a very long time, years it feels like. I thought this would be a good idea, working it out it felt like. But no, instead it was just me crying on one end and you stoic and monotone on the other. Good idea me.

My tears are done, there are no more for you. It doesn't hurt as much anymore if you want to know. I'm sure you don't. You didn't seem too concerned earlier. You probably won't check this. Thats fine, great in fact. I'll still check on you. You're too important.

Do I understand? Yes.

I wish I could hold you one last time, I wish you would let me. I know you won't, thats alright.

I am Megan Victoria Shapley. I will be fine. I WILL BE FINE.

Week Two in the Padded Cell

2007-08-06T09:04:00.000-07:00

Vettismorki, Norway, 1999

Its been a long week. It hasn't been bad, it hasn't been good, its just been long. I think that in itself has proven to be a good thing though. The fact that I've been able to make it through and still have my sanity about me is what really matters.

I'm moving. Into my own little cottage where I don't have to deal with crappy roommates and even louder friends. I can just be, I can be as anti-social as I want and I don't have to apologize to anyone. As you can probably tell I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to not moving furniture, and not having to worry about bills or who's paying them, or who is buying groceries, or if anyone is even buying groceries.

Job interview tomorrow, terribly nervous. I have a tendency to clam up and not say much. Bad idea at a time like that. God how wonderful it would be to no longer work at Target. I really hope I don't fuck this up.

Things are going well, I'm not pushing. At least I don't think I am. I sincerely hope I'm not. I'm happy.

Meg

Week One of The Padded Cell

2007-07-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

Great Skellig Island, Ireland 1977

I told you I would love you forever.

People keep telling me to date, but the thought makes me physically ill. Being with someone other than Andy makes me want to curl up in bed and cry. I realize that everyone will say this is because its only been a week, but it has been a week. I've always been able to get over things fairly quickly, moreso than most. And yet I feel no better than I did on Monday, only with less tears and thats only because my tear ducts are basically dry. There's a space in me that he used to occupy that is now empty.

I miss sleeping in his bed, I miss his smell. I wear his shoes just so that there's some part of him around me. I miss his laugh. He calls it companionship that he misses most. I just miss being that comfortable with someone. I miss being able to reach over and brush his hair off his forehead......or play with it when it was wet. To lay on his chest and hear his heart beat. To fall asleep next to him and know that I was completely and totally safe. Is that just companionship? I don't know.

Meg

The Inner Workings Of A Crazy Girl

2007-07-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

Olympic National Park, Washington, 1984

Stop telling me I'll be okay. What if I won't be? What if I will? The advice of others is appreciated but there is such a thing as overkill. So whether I'll be okay or not is up to me, and I will decide when I've reached that point. But for right now, I'm not. I'm sad, I'm upset.

God, there are times when I understand completely, it makes perfect sense to me. Everything falls into place, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. And then there are those times when I shake my head and say "This makes absolutely no sense at all! What happened? In what universe did I agree to this? How are either one of us happier with things put this way?" We sat in the floor holding each other, crying. You kept saying you should go and yet neither one of us could stand for you to get up and walk out the door. What part of that says "Yes this was the right decision."? "There are things that need to be worked out." "You need space, time to think apart." is what keeps being said. But that doesn't really make sense either. We were more comfortable and at home with each other than most people who have been together for years.

There is a piece of me missing now. Dramatic? Yes. And I am not a dramatic person, I tend to keep my distance from the dramatic. But I feel as though something has been taken from me and I can't find it. Something will happen during my day, and I'll want to tell him. Oh wait, but I can't. I'll think of a memory we made together and it feels like someone hit me in the stomach. I thought it was getting better, really I did. But instead I was just becoming numb to certain thoughts and so now I'm coming up with new ones and they hurt just as much. I'll hear a song he sang and it hurts. I'll see a motorcycle and it hurts. I'll drive down a certain street, or pass a certain restaurant, or I'll think of something he said or did.

I keep trying to control forces that are not mine to control. I keep thinking if I say or do something then maybe it'll change something. But then I have nasty little thoughts like "Has he stopped loving me? Oh God, what if he has? What if we're really over, what if we're really never going to be together again." And I know I can't change it, I know there's nothing I can do. I'm not trusting him. Which might have been part of my problem all along, not trusting him as much as I should have, as much as he deserved.

And so, if all I'm left with is the memories of what we had and the promise of what could be a great friendship then I should count myself lucky. I should count myself lucky for a lot of things. But right now, I'm sad. I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts like a constant toothache. I can't sleep yet, there's a big empty spot in my bed where he should be. And so I miss him, and I'll keep missing him for a while.

Stop telling me I'll be okay.

Meg

Complacency Is Not The Answer

2007-07-16T16:55:00.000-07:00

Ilan, Taiwan 1993

This is mainly directed at you. Yes you. I know you don't understand why I am the way I am most of the time and believe me that is completely.....well.....understandable. And so because it is so hard for me to explain in person, let me explain in words.

Growing up in the family I did, you learn very quickly we are not the type of people who share feelings very well. So instead we just smile and say "Nothings wrong" because its much easier than getting involved with a bunch of messy emotions. We usually think out our problems ourselves. I never remember my parents talking about their problems, nor do I remember my brother or sisters doing it, therefore I don't do it, and when I do I feel awkward and stupid. I feel like a whiny girl who is weighing you down with my problems. A lot of the time I feel as though the things that are bothering me don't make any sense and so I just don't talk about them and I wait until they go away.

Being raised by Becky didn't make things much easier seeing as her personal slogan was "Suck it up." She taught me that a strong person doesn't whine about the petty things in life, they get over them quickly and worry about more important things, like bills and college. And so there is another reason as to why I don't talk about things that are bothering me.

You said that things are perfect for me. That is absolutely not true. I just don't let things get to me very often, and if something does I have a tendency to get over it within a matter of moments. Its years of training that you've just happened to witness right now.

If there is ever something seriously wrong I do tell you, most of the time its just me being me, and its nothing. But I will try harder, when you ask me why I have a "look" I'll try to find out why and answer. Sometimes I really won't know and if I say nothing is wrong is not because I don't trust you. I do, more than I've ever trusted anyone, its probably because I can't find the words or because I don't know whats wrong. Please don't get frustrated. Don't lose hope, I will try. There will be bad days, there will be awful days. But the good days will be worth all of it.

Just wait.

Me.

Sailboats and Paper hats

2007-07-12T10:16:00.000-07:00

Crystal Lake, Vermont 1997

I'm sitting in the kitchen of a person I feel more at home with than my own roommates.

What is home? How do you know you're home? Is it just a place where you keep all of your possessions, or is it somewhere you know you belong? Because in that case why can't home be a person? These are all questions I've been asking myself as of late and I still haven't been able to answer any of them. Possibly because I don't want to know the answers.

Mistakes are something everyone makes, they're inevitable. You get in a rush to see what comes next in life and before you know it you've stumbled and spilled you're glass of Kool-aid. Oops! So how do you clean up something like that? There's no paper towels in life, no napkins, no mom to wipe up the tears. You have to be a grown up and do it all yourself. Ahh, there's the problem kids. The G-word. The one word we all hate hearing, the undeniable dirty word of adulthood. When you're a kid making a mistake is forgivable, but when you're a grown up making a mistake is something you're supposed to know better than to do. So what do you do? You own up, say you're sorry, clean it up as best as you can and walk on. Remember to keep that head up though. Can't let them see that smile faulter.

Meg

Punch-drunk Love and All That Stuff

2007-06-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

Danger! Women's Suffrage Would Double The Irresponsible Vote.

2007-03-01T10:49:00.000-08:00

Women's suffrage poster from Oregan circa 1912.

I haven't posted anything historical in a while so I thought I would have a go at some gender issues.

After taking my gender studies class for a while I've found that I too join the masses as a feminist, but I am not so hardcore as others. I don't plan on cursing the name of all men everywhere anytime soon, I realize that there's a reason men and women are so drastically different. And I absolutely sympathize with men everywhere who have to deal with winey, giggly, practically brain-dead girls everywhere. But keep in mind, you decided to date them, so now your stuck with them. There are intelligant, sane women out there, you just have to spend a little time and look for us.

I don't understand the "girls" who insist on acting as flipant and vancant as possible just so they can seem cute and attractive as they think other's will find them. Acting as though you have the IQ of a radish is not attractive. Our ancestors, it turns out, did not struggle for hundreds of years just so you could walk around in stelleto's and bleached hair all day long and say things like "I'm for serious!" And if your boyfriend does like that kind of behavior well then you probably deserve each other, but god help humanity if you pro-create......obviously Darwin's theory is not working out for the rest of us. I think Elizabeth Stanton and Margaret Stanton would be horrified if they saw women today *if you don't know who those two women are then go open a history book....or just look them up online and thank them everytime you or your girlfriend doesn't get knocked up* We are not holding up our end of the bargain, and those of us that are trying, are having to work overtime.

I was once told that we (my generation) are the 3rd generation of feminism, but if thats true, we're in trouble people. Because we're going backwards. There's not a lot of progression being made. Its all being done by women that are my mothers age, women that were part of the 2nd generation of feminism, the baby boomers. So what happens when they're gone? Are we doomed to the dark ages of high necked collars and no birth control? I'd rather live on the Arctic tundra thank you very much.

Meg

Bleary Eyes and Coffee Mugs

2007-01-16T09:37:00.000-08:00

Copenhagen, Denmark

Another semester starts with library posters that say things like "Get lost in a library book" and entire class periods wasted going over sylibi. Everyone is walking around campus with that slightly glazed look on their face that says they tried unsuccsessfully to stay on their sleep schedule and ended up sleeping until noon most of the time.

Surprisingly I'm glad to be back, I'm ready to get back to my normal routine and start studying. I was getting ridiculously bored at home and am not looking forward to an entire spring with nothing to do. It sucks when your best friend is an entire ocean away. Its odd that her love interest is asking me for advice on what to do now that she's gone and is considering reconsiliating with her ex. Ryan (the love interest) is a really good guy, and deserves to be treated better, but then again so does Alexis. Now if they could just meet in the middle instead of just circling each other.

Its a little weird to think that I only have one more semester to go after this one before I graduate. I'll then have a degree under my belt and then its off to U of A to get my bachelors. Becky doesn't think I'm ever moving out, and thats fine really. I'm tired of arguing with her, trying to justify myself and prove myself to her. If she doesn't believe me now she will when I move out next spring. I'm not Katie, I don't make a habit of saying things and then forgetting I said them. My plans may seem grand in scale, but why is that a bad thing? I don't understand why I should want to work at Target for the rest of my life. Its not that I think Conway is a terrible place, its not. But I don't want to live here forever. I've always known I'd leave eventually, I've just never been in as big of a rush as Katie thats all. So once I graduate, I'll go to Fayetteville and then once I get my bachelors I'll probably go to Boston or maybe Seattle. After that who knows?

~M

Very Sad Day Indeed

2007-01-09T23:02:00.000-08:00

Vermont

I don't count myself among the many overly emotional women that I know. In fact a lot of people say that I'm to realistic and have a tendency to act like a cold fish.
Today I had to say good-bye to my best friend, and I found it harder than I expected.
She's only going to be gone for four months, so it isn't like she's leaving for an incredibly exteded period of time. But at the same time, we've never lived more than a couple of blocks away from each other since meeting. An entire ocean away is a pretty big deal to the both of us.
It also sucks because the only other friends I have here happen to be rather lacking in the conversation area, and are still stuck in high school mode. Maybe I'm boring, but I find intelligence more stimulating than fart jokes and bad movies.
I expect this semester will be filled with things like work and homework. Things last semester should have been filled with but weren't.
Jesus, this is a terrible post.

~M