Crossing the River With No Rainboots.

It's warm and windy today, not such odd weather for Arkansas other than the fact that its late December. Kind of puts a wierd twist on seeing Christmas lights.

Do you ever hear a band, or a song that reminds you of something or a certain time in your life? Almost every band I know does that for me. Most of them good, most of the time I associate good memories with a song or a band that I'm listening to. But there are those that will come on the radio and I'm hit in the chest with a flash of a memory that makes me want to pull off onto the side of the road and lay my head on the steering wheel. Its never the crappy bands that I don't listen to very often, the one's that I wouldn't mind so much if I deleted from my playlist. No, it's always the one's that I could spend hours upon hours singing along to, or driving down some back road while blasting their songs through my rolled down windows. It's these artists that I listened to for an entire summer while being blissfully happy until the world crashed down around my ears while I stood there completely mistified as to what exactly was going on. It was these songs I played endlessly while slowly losing myself until finally I had no idea who I was and not one clue as to how to fight my way back.

Oh, I know I've said all of this before. And I still sound incredibly bitter, and maybe I am; I don't like to think so. I like to think I've moved on a considerable amount. But like I said last night. It's not that I'm angry for the same reasons, I'm not. But an apology, or some acknowledgment goes a long way.

There's A Light In The Distance.

Guess where I am? Yeah I know, not hard to figure out. Work.
So anyway, I have this problem and this problem is potentially huge. I'm not sure how to go about solving this potentially huge dilemna, because its also rather delicate. And if I approach it from the wrong direction I could ruin a friendship that I've had for a very, very long time. Or at least, piss this person off in a way that would damage the friendship possibly forever.
Sorry if that was confusing; but I can't really get into it.

It is almost Christmas however. And it being my last night to work before that glorious holiday has put me in a rather chipper mood. I just hope my tire doesn't blow out on my way home.
I have the entireity of tomorrow afternoon to do absolutely nothing, and so I'm thinking I might clean the apartment or go hiking. Whichever sounds more interesting. The apartment really needs to be cleaned, but I've really been wanting to hike through Allsopp park. Maybe I'll do both, live dangerously. I'm then spending the next three days at my sisters because there's food there and I can't afford gas.
Ok, well I'm done talking about absoutely nothing. Maybe next time I'll babble about world peace or famine.

Happy Christmas. Merry Holidays.

I'm sitting at work, I'm currently supposed to be answering phones and it might just be the most boring assignment ever. And I started thinking about something that happened recently.

Someone asked me if I thought saying "Merry Christmas" in a retail store was offensive. Now, at first glance those words look rather harmless, and I would be one of the first on the "tell everyone you pass to have a happy and joyous Christmas" bandwagon. But I started pondering why I would be asked that question in the first place. I remembered working at Target and how we were always told to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas but it was never really explained why we had to differentiate. Now I see the difference. Saying "Merry Christmas" only includes one holiday, saying "Happy Holiday's" includes all of them, and whether you like it or not, agree with it or not there are other holidays around this time of year besides Christmas. So really, its just good manners.

I told the person who asked me that I thought it would be better for a person working in that kind of environment to say "Happy Holidays" just to avoid offending anyone. This person looked at me like I had just sprouted a third arm out of my forehead. "But its Christmas time!" they replied. They were so angry by my answer, and so confused as to why I did not agree with them that they immediately launched into a lecture about how ridiculous it was for "us" to sacrifice our Christmas season and greeting just to accomodate a few people.

I considered explaining that the reason Christmas is at the end of December every year is because the early Christians needed a way to convert the pagans and so they combined their main religious holiday with the pagan's main religious holiday...the winter solstice. But I refrained and instead said that we weren't "accomodating" a "few" people, but a large percentage of the United States population, let alone the global population. And that they should be more considerate because I doubt they would like it very much if someone came up to them and said "Happy Hahnukah" or "Merry Kwanza" and then thought they were ridiculous for not realizing it was the same season.

My point is, we all need to be a little more tolerant of each other. Especially given what time of year it is, and why everyone keeps saying this season is all about.

Happy Holiday's everyone!!!!

My Edward until I find my Edward.

I'm not a scholar by any stretch of anyone's imagination, and I certainly do not count myself among those who are considered poets. But I am a decent writer, and in my decent writing I will elaborate on one of the most enigmatic and marvelous human beings I have ever met in my 22 years of existence.

Dustin Ashley Beam swept into my life in June of this year when we were both cast in a production of Godspell. I was at a point in my life where I didn't really know where I belonged (I was living with my engaged friends, I had just broken up with this guy, I hated my job) and having the show to escape to was something I was looking forward to. The only downside was that I didn't know a single person on cast and they all seemed to know each other. Luckily they were incredibly welcoming and lovely people and made me feel as though I fit in from the start. There were a couple castmates that I always viewed as being more talented and cooler than me; Jen, Jeremy, Duane and of course Dustin. I think he would agree with me when I say we were wary of each other in the beginning. I tend to shy away from those who are the center of attention (he doesn't demand it, people just seem determined to pay it too him) and I'm sure I looked a little different from everyone else, I kept to myself quite a bit at first which could have been interperated as coldness. Either way it took me a while to get to the point where I felt like I could approach him......it sounds like we're dating. And to be completely honest I'm not all that sure how it happened. I remember the two of us forming our first Megan and Dustin bubble during a movie when we saw Dark Knight and after that it somehow became a ritual for us to brush our teeth together before a show, which I still miss.

I was terrified after the show ended that I would never hear from him again, like a guy who takes you on the best date of your life and then never calls. But of course he did.

Dustin is easily one of the best people I know. He loves absolutely and unselfishly, a quality many people wish they had. He never truly lost his childlike wonder and because of that I am constantly in awe of him. That ability to never allow himself to become jaded or cynical is a wonderous thing. He is completely comfortable in his own skin and knows he is a talented man who has much to offer the world. But in the eyes of those that love him solely on who and what he is, he is what you want your son to grow up to be, he is who you hope your soulmate emmulates, he is everything a best friend is and should be. He makes me a better person. It really is too bad that he likes men also because if he didn't I would marry him. But instead I will settle for him being one of my best friends.

Dustin, you said I was your find of 2008, well you my love are just my find. Because there isn't anyone like you in the whole universe. I love you.

Staring at the bottom of a well

I don't write on here as often as I would like to, mainly because there are times I start out with one idea and end with a completely different one. And most of the time I end up writing depressing and morose subject matter. I'm going to start out that way today, but I'm hoping by the end I'll end on a lighter note.

I've been in hiding lately, my thoughts have been running at a lightyear a minute. I can't seem to keep myself still and I'm never quite happy. I'm the lonliest I've ever been but the idea of dating sends literal shivers down my back. Me and dating has never been a good idea, it always ends with a pathetic phone conversation and me thinking "yup that ended just like the last ridiculous excuse for a relationship I had". But I've come to the point where I don't do anything, I'm in a rut you might say. The word routine is such a bland word for what I do everyday that I don't even want to use it. I even wake up at the same time everyday, I can't seem to help myself and no matter how hard I try I can't make myself go back to sleep.

I leave my phone at home all the time. I honestly don't remember the last time I took it with me when I left the house, which I realize probably isn't the best idea in the world. But the thought of checking it non-stop just to see that nobody has called me is one of the most depressing things ever. And so I leave it stuck underneath my pillow, as if not seeing it makes it nonexistant.

Now, I don't want it to sound as if I'm unhappy, or that I somehow hate myself. Because believe me I don't. In fact, I've spent the last year and a half getting back to a place where I like who I am. But this time of year.....well its difficult to explain. I love Christmas, I always have. I love the lights and the cold weather, I love wearing sweaters and scarves and mittens, I love Christmas music and drinking hot chocolate. But last year was maybe the worst Christmas I've ever had, and this year for some reason brings some of it back. But it also makes me realize just how far I've come. Not in an "I'm an amazing woman and I kick ass" way but in a "time really does heal things" way.

Someone said to me recently that I've changed, that I'm not the same person I was. And at first it hurt because two years ago I really liked who I was. I was the most independant person I had ever known, really I was the most independant person a lot of people knew. I was cynical and funny and for all intensive purposes grumpy about 90% of the time. I'm all of those things now, but I'm a lot more vulnerable, I'm more sensitive to people and to some extent I'm more introverted....if thats possible. But I'm also kinder, which I didn't think would ever be possible. Yes, I still have a tendency to tell people they're morons, but I might say it in a nicer tone. I can also hold a conversation with a complete stranger.

I have also met some of the most important people in my life over the last year and a half. People I'm not sure I could live without now. People who have changed me for the better.

So, are there times when I wish I could pack up everything and move somewhere where nobody knows me. Yes, absolutely. But it wouldn't fix anything. And I don't think it would get me out of the rut I'm in now. I just wish something would change, I wish something would happen. Because I've decided I don't deal with boredom very well.