Duct Tape and Soldered Wire

I've been listening to The Weakerthans non-stop lately. I now have every one of their albums and I'm pretty sure there isn't one of their songs I don't like. I highly recommend them on anyone who has even decent taste in music, and if you don't listen to them anyway so that you have something good in your library.

I've also been reading everything I can get my hands on. I always prided myself on being well read, but this was pretty much a bold faced lie. I mean, I read at a fast pace, and fairly intelligent but I don't read all that much. Except over the last month I've re-read everything I own and I've been buying books like crazy. I just got done reading a book called "An Unquiet Mind" it was incredible. Its written by a psychologist who suffers from bi-polar disorder. The way she describes the mania's and the depressions is so breath-taking. God I can't even imagine.....I just can't imagine. I'm now reading "Girl Interrupted" its actually quite different from the movie, but not so much that I'll end up hating the movie. Next in line is a Chuck Palanauk book, and then hopefully I'll have something in mind after that.

I'm trying to keep as busy as possible, I'm working whenever I can. For the first time ever, I'm telling them to call me if they need someone to come in. Believe me I was shocked when I actually said it, and even more so when I accepted the first time. The money will be nice to have, and it gives me something to do. Sounds pathetic right? I don't mean for it too, I just don't want to sit at home right now. The idea of it makes me itch. Imagine, me not wanting to be alone right now. A year ago and thats all I would have wanted, the idea of living alone would have been a dream come true. But now its just where I'm at right now.



Megan

Anyone heard of Suffrage?

Once apon a time I wrote about actual issues that meant something to me on here. Yeah I know I said I was done. Sue me, whatever.

Today while driving to school I was listening to NPR (If you don't know what that is, then shame on you) and they were talking about a trial that is taking place in Utah between a polygamist and one of his wives. He raped the girl when she was 14 and then forced her to marry him, the prosecuting attorney is now bringing out photos of her honeymoon in which she is smiling as evidence that she was happy in the marriage. Sound fishy to anyone else?

First of all, polygamy is a little strange in itself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a person to judge anyone on their beliefs. It is not my job to tell anyone they're wrong. Personally I'd be bored to tears if we all believed the same damn thing, so I'm glad that there's some crazy ass people out there. But the fact that there are people out there that think its perfectly fine to have 7 or 8 spouses is just a little odd you know? I mean its hard enough to have a normal relationship with one person let alone 5 other people.

I digress.

The prosecuting attorney is forcing this poor girl to re-live the experience of being raped by her second cousin, not to mention a man twice her age. And then they make her sister get on the stand and testify to the fact that she herself was almost forced to marry a man that was 85 years old. These are people that honestly think that women have no right to say no to men. Excuse me if I'm correct, but it is 2007 and not 1777 right? I know I'm repeating myself when I say this, but our ancestors did not work as hard as they did (Margaret Sanger, Elizabeth Stanton) so that we could still live in the dark ages. And then for an issue like this to basically go unnoticed. Its ridiculous people. We need to stop focusing on issues like what Britney Spears is doing to her hair and start focusing on issues like what people are doing to their children and how women are being treated in todays society.

We've come a long way, it is true. But we still have one hell of a fight ahead of us.

Megan

Gearing Up To Scream

Alright, so this is it for this blog. I keep forgetting. Ok thats a big lie, but we'll just go with it yeah?

We'll go with this one and say that things have been going relatively well the last few weeks. The place is great.....yeah thats right its great, being all alone. Its nice to be a grown up and have a place to myself, not to live with the family or with roommates, to come and go as I please.

I got my financial aid the other day and I seriously considered just leaving. Driving to Chicago or Seattle or maybe Denver. I'd like to see where I was born. I could do it, just pack up and move, go where nobody knows me. Start over, get a job at a measuem somewhere. It was incredibly appealing....I'm still not sure what stopped me. Probably fear. Yeah, probably.

My professor broke his leg last night so class is canceled today. Too bad. I might actually go to the bookstore today.

God I love the Old 97's.

I'm writing a lot. I bought a journal, it'll probably join all the other journals I buy in my journal graveyard pretty soon. But for now I'm writing. So here's this.

Blue and green. Purple, pinstripes. Ever so lucky right? The marathon was run by the wrong person, too bad no one won the ribbon. So here she sits back on the cliff with the windows burning behind her. Music too loud, laces too tight. Answering a question that hasn't been asked. Warning Will Robinson! That was my band first. Breaking hearts, tangled hair. Blood on the moon, not quite. Starry skies and rainy streets, its all part of the game. I'm not very good at playing.

Megan

And Now For Something Completely Different.

Razgrad, Bulgaria, 1962

Edit: The auras have started again. Damnit.

At last! Oh thank God at last! I can breathe! I can breathe! School has started, and I can take a breath.

I feel.....I don't have a word for it. Its like when the main character of a book or a movie has been revived and she's walking down the street to ass-kicking music and you know that everything is going to be ok. And she's got that smirk on her face like she could take on the universe. That is how I feel right at this very moment. God I feel brilliant. And I don't care about anything. Not a goddamn thing.

I just got out of Philosophy, and I don't know why I hated it so much. I'd taken it at UCA, and its the only class I've ever dropped. But for the life of me I can't recall why. It was amazing. My professor is hilarious, he curses like a sailor and makes no excuses for himself. He explained the class in a way that everyone was comfortable with but at the same time he didn't sugar coat it. He told us it would be hard and that there would be times when we would probably want to drop because we wouldn't like what he was talking about. Although I doubt I'll have many problems.

It was so great to walk onto campus this morning and have everything be so quiet, so still. I've missed it, and I'd forgotten how much I'd missed it.

"You've got questions, we've got answers" thats what the big plastic banner in one of the planters said in front of the student center. The design looks like something they ripped off of a pair of Chuck Taylors. All of the posters in the library say things like "Read into Success" I don't know where they come up with that shit. I wonder if someone just sits in an office all day and thinks of the cheesiest slogans they can come up with.

What a job that would be.

Being back here makes me realize I really do want to teach. I want more than anything to stand up in a classroom and talk about things like the Bolshivik Revolution and the Civil War. And when my 8am classes just stare at me I'll piss them off so that they have to discuss things with me. Yeah, I'll be one of those professors. I'll be heinous, and I'll be great.

Meg

One Last Time

Ah Goddamn it! There I was, I had my chance to say anything to him, and I just kept saying the same blasted thing over and over again!! God I suck.

Well here it is, here are the things I didn't say. You ready, of course you are. You already think I'm crazy. And if your still reading this, then you get what you deserve.

So go ahead and drop off the face of the earth, I probably will too. But I'll drag you out of whatever hole your hiding in. Go ahead and date some vacant little girl who can be arm candy and blend in at all the events, sorry I just couldn't make myself do that. Go ahead and take me off your top friends list and take down all of our pictures if it makes you feel better. Yes it will hurt me, but I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself.

You know what I miss the most? I miss my best friend, the person I could talk to about anything or sit in complete silence with. The person who would crack up with me at just a look, the person who has the same taste in music and movies and books. But that person is gone right now, he's not the person who sat in front of me today. But I know you can be again. Your a good guy, your a guy who brings his mother flowers, your a guy who loves thunderstorms, your a guy who feels bad if he has to ask his friends for a favor, your a guy who cross-stitches for God sake! Your a great friend, and a good man.

So fine, take whatever time you need, I'll admit I still need some time too. But you can't just make me disappear. You made a mistake when you let me in, I'm not going anywhere so just suck it up. And stop acting as if I'm going to throw myself at you and beg you to take me back if you talk to me, I have some pride for Christ' sake!

All I'm asking is that you stop being so cruel, there's really no reason for it. And for the record, you should know me well enough to know that I'm not going to go out and fuck every guy I meet now, its just insulting.

So when you decide to stop being a jackass, give me a call, we'll go have coffee or something. I'm always here, I actually mean it when I say it. You have your stuff back now, your shoes you just had to have back for work today.

By the way, I'm about to move into my apartment, you should stop by.

Meg

And I Think To Myself, What A Fucked Up World.

Second Edit: Sorry.

I'm tired of National Geographic, but couldn't decide what else to put up here. I might put something up later.

I've decided that I'll keep posting on here because I'm not going to change my life around just because of something that happened. Yes I realize you will probably read this, if you don't thats alright too. I need somewhere to put my thoughts, I could put them on my desktop but its not as lethargic as knowing they might be read by random people.

One day I'm completely pissed off. I could not be more angry, I want answers that he is not willing to give. I don't understand why he is being so cruel! Why can't he just leave it be? Yes I talk about it, about him. But I have not said one unkind thing. So why must he? It hurts worse than anything else could. Maybe thats the reason. Maybe he's trying to hurt me. I really shouldn't react, I should revert back to elementary school days and just ignore it, but Jesus it is hard. I want a fight so badly, I want to scream and yell. He robbed me of that by being so completely unemotional, so blank. It isn't fair damnit!

The next day I'm actually alright, I want nothing more than to move on. I'm ready to get past it all. I absolutely cannot wait until school starts. I am so ridiculously excited about moving into my little apartment! God, how fantastic will that be for me to just be and not have to make excuses to anyone? I'm looking forward to the prospect of becoming a different person. A little of who I was, and a little of who I am. Kind of like a really great recipe. Because lets face it people, I changed. I changed a lot.

Which brings me to my next point. I'm finding my intelligence again! I hadn't realized I'd lost it until my sister told me she'd missed my brain. I hadn't realized I'd missed it too. Why had no one told me? Why was he the only one trying to inform me that I had lost the ability to hold intelligent conversations? There's something wrong with that!! I miss how witty I once was, how cynical I could be. God I was marvelous sometimes. Yes I was arrogant but thats one of the things I loved about myself. And suddenly it wasn't there anymore, it vanished in a puff of hearts and bunnies and flowers. I was doe eyed. Doe eyed for God's sake! Me! The most bitter person I've ever known! And maybe that was also part of my problem, I was a little too bitter. And so I'm not reverting back to the bitterness. I like that he taught me not to be bitter, that I didn't have to be.

In a lot of ways I'm starting fresh. My new apartment, school. I'm taking a leave of absence from work. God I hate those people. This is a new beginning for me. I think it will do good things for me. Yes this is hard, yes there are times I want to curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head, but this is a wonderful/horrible learning experience for me at the same time.

Do I hate him? Absolutely not. I never will. I hope he doesn't hate or dislike me. Yes I wonder about him, yes I worry about him. I can't help it. But I'm getting better, I'm moving on. Its the healthy thing for me to do right now.

I told him he was a wonderful person, and I still know he is.

I'm trying to become one.

Megan

Edit: I was always excited to see you, always. I didn't want to show it toward the end because you never seemed excited to see me. I didn't want to seem pathetic by allowing my face to light up every time I saw you. But the way I acted whenever you would come over and wake me up? That is how I felt inside.
A big stupid grin.
Just thought I'd let you know. Nerd.