The Truth about Being Oblivious

I'm beginning to think that I'm one of the most oblivious people in the universe.

How do you notice something that you've basically taught yourself to.....well not notice.

I'm good at pretending like guys aren't there.

But when I do that I get yelled at by the people around me, because apparently not noticing is the wrong thing to do.

But if you don't know me, flirting is not something I'm particularly good at.

Men are insanely confusing to me.

What is so hard about just telling me your attracted to me?

Riding the bus to the outskirts to the fact that I need love

*Disclaimer* For those who take things too seriously. What I'm about to write is fiction.



If your looking for a story to make you feel better, or cheer you up; this isn't it. If you like the protagonist to be self-sacrificing, self-reliant, witty with all her ducks in a row; well that isn't me. If you like books where the girl falls in love with the boy and they learn to work as a "unit" and come to appreciate each other's differences, then you should go find a romance novel.

What I'm trying to tell you is that you should stop reading immediately and go find something else to do. Go fix that door thats been squeaking for six months, go mow the grass, go wash some laundry. Because this is nothing more than the story of how I came to hate who I am.

You will not like me by the time you read the last word, in fact this may be the last time you like me at all; if you like me in the least. So really, you should stop reading. Because what I'm about to explain to you? It'll make you want to set fire to your computer. If your the type of person who believes everyone deserves a second chance no matter how horrible the something they did, because its the type of thing Jesus might do, what I'm going to tell you will have you thinking Jesus didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. So this is your last chance to stop reading, and I don't know, trick some other poor bastard into reading it; at least you'd get a little entertainment out of this piece of crap. No? Alright then.

This is the story of how I single handedly destroyed the one person I cared most for, and then walked away. How did I do that? It was insanely easy. I had a five year affair with my best friends husband. I'll save the worst of it for later since your apparently invested in this masochistic crap shoot.

Standing in a Crowded Room, With No One There

I'm sitting on my back porch *because its the only place I can steal internet* after a day of running around. And I find myself trying to slow my mind down. And being frustrated that my N key is sticking for some reason and forcing me to slam my finger down on it to get it to work. nnnnnnnnnnnnn. Now my finger is sore.

When did being single become the newest incurable disease? Isn't this an age of growth and progressive thinking? Why then are single men and women, women most especially, in such a rush to match up, pair off and sprint down the aisle? All so they aren't the last one's standing when the music stops playing. Like its some twisted game of musical chairs.

Its become a game of bar hopping, one night stands, five minute conversations and quick glances to see if the person standing next to you is wearing a ring on their left hand. And if they are, trying to smother the disappointment of knowing there's someone else who found that person before you did. It's a problem of constantly wondering "what's wrong with me?"

And analysts and psychiatrists wonder why young adults have such self-esteem problems and communication issues.

Leaf Turning, Page Turning...Whats the Difference?

Turning a new leaf.
Sounds perfectly simple. Too bad it isn't.

I hate pictures of happy couples that make you want to puke because they're so obviously fake.
Staged.
I hate people who try to be something they're not.
Fake.
Why isn't it ok to just be in a bad mood?
Why do you have to make excuses?
Why isn't it ok to be sad once in a while?
Sometimes its easier to be sad than it is to force yourself to be happy.

Witty whiticisms that aren't even funny.
Is it a wonder that being anti-social is preferable?
Stupid criticisms.
Playing favorites and you don't even know it.

Wishing That Wishing Made Hoping Come True

I feel like everyone has a person they couldn't do without. One person that no matter what happened as long as that person was by their side everything would be alright. I'm not just talking about a significant other, I'm talking about someone you feel completely at ease with, someone who knows you inside and out, someone who can just look at you and know what your thinking. Someone who asks you to come over after they've had the worst day of their lives because they don't feel like you're company they feel like your family.

I can't really say I have anyone like that. I have friends that I love and who I'm sure love me, but I don't really depend on anyone. And I won't be so presumptuous as to say that anyone depends on me. Its so hard to get to a place where you can allow yourself to feel completely at ease, and I am especially bad at it. I tend to put up a front of being harsher than I really am or being quieter than I really am.

Sometimes.....sometimes I wish I had someone.

Wandering Down The Hall Without A Flashlight.

Do you realize when your treating another person horribly?

Is that a trait that everyone posseses or is it one of those things that only a finite amount of humans have the capability of understanding?

How could one person not comprehend the fact that they are making another person feel terrible about themselves?

I understand fully and completely that I am not the nicest person in the universe.

But I always know when I've made another

human being feel less than good about themselves.

So it is beyond me how one minute someone can make you think your important and interesting and then the next make you feel as if you are absolutely nothing.

Lower than nothing.

Are there really those who are so consumed with themselves that they just don't care?

Could it be that I have appalling taste in character?

Maybe I should come up with some sort of character evaluation before I even speak to someone.

It really is beyond me.

If there is even the slightest bit of doubt that you've hurt someone you've cared about you should apologize.

I'm not talking about a cashier at a coffeeshop.

I'm talking about a person that you've had a relationship with, intimate or not.

You'd understand if you were cared about and then forgotten without cause or explanation.

Stopping a Drain With Papertowels

I have to stop.

Just take a moment to breathe, collect myself.

Possibly remind myself that I am an adult.

Why I feel a compulsion to rely on someone else for happiness' sake...

Its something I've struggled with for a while now.

People who say they live in the moment have always astonished me.

How can you not wonder about tomorrow or the next week, or the year to come?

Wondering and guessing doesn't get you anywhere.

I get that.

But for some reason the idea of sitting by and waiting for something to happen,

It's mindboggling.

Trying to make things happen may be even more maddening.

And so patience is something I have to try out.

Its not something I've ever been good at.

Trying as hard as I have in the past is not something I can keep doing.

Asking myself why I'm not good enough, or just not enough.

Well, they're questions that I'm never going to answer on my own.