All Thats Left Is Whats Debatable Again.

It's been annoying me ever since you asked and I gave a crappy answer, considering it's what I want to spend my adult life teaching. I should be able to explain to my students why history is important, why it is so much more than a bunch of old dead guys and dates, and why they should give shit. But it's difficult when it seems like nothing more than facts. Events that took place in a time that never mattered to you, had no adverse effect on what is going on today. And it's especially hard when we all realize that we won't end up in any history or record books and that eventually we will be forgotten. I understand that will all of these things stacked up against it the subject of history seems, to put it mildly, boring. Antique. Unnecessary.

But if you will just allow yourself to stop looking at history as a dead and decaying subject and instead realize that it is very much a living, breathing thing. History is what is happening right at this very moment, it's what happened yesterday, it's what will happen tomorrow or a year from now. It may be a terrible example but, our kids are going to ask us what it was like to be alive when September 11th happened; where we were, what we were doing. Hell, they may even ask us what we were doing when the blackout in New York happened. All of it is history, we may not see it that way, but it is. We don't even know what future generations will find fascinating......maybe the "Emo Movement"?? This recession will be talked about, close to how the Great Depression is talked about. I'm not saying we'll be in bread lines and we'll tack on signs outside our towns telling people that transients aren't welcome, but in our century its probably as close as we'll come. We'll talk about George W. Bush like our parents talk about Nixon. History is not old and dusty, it just has a bad reputation for being that way, because that is how it is taught most of the time.

I was wrong when I said we learned from our mistakes. We don't for the most part. Otherwise, we wouldn't still have genocides, only in different countries. There wouldn't be anymore war, world or civil. American's wouldn't be trying to shove democracy down everyone's throats because they would know that you can't force a form of government on a people. But these things still happen, of course they do; because people, especially world leaders, are morons and it's a shit, shit world. Except, I believe we, as a human race are capable of learning from our mistakes. Countries by themselves have learned from their past; America no longer practices slavery, Britain is no longer colonizing India, Russia is no longer Communist......probably. So yeah, the world is not perfect, but I think we can try.

On of the most important points to me, although maybe not to anyone else, are the people throughout history who have died for what they believed in, or shown that greatness is possible. Those men and women deserve to be remembered. Franklin Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy and Lindon B. Johnson, they deserve more than to just be remembered as dead presidents. Margaret Sanger, Elizabeth I, Harriett Tubman, Rosa Parks, Catherine the Great; they all deserve more than to be remembered as merely women. The soldiers of the Revolutionary, Civil, and World Wars although we may no know all their names we can learn about the battles and their culture and remember them for what they sacrificed.

I could keep going, but I can't really tell if I've made my point or not. We don't disappear once we're gone, whether we know it or not. Everyone makes their mark in history, it just depends on how big you want your mark to be.

Till the Green Apple Grows on a Sour Apple Tree

Loose ends.

My life is a bunch of loose ends. Oh, I'm not trying to sound overly dramatic or make anyone feel sorry for me, it's just a fact really. It always feel like I have a million little things to finish.

Probably my fault most of the time.

Skepticism is a good emotion, even if you think its not. I promise its one of the best tools a person can have. Hold on to it if you keep nothing else. It's a hard lesson that I had to learn. I lost it and I trusted blindly.

The bitterness returns full swing.

Its hard not to let the bitter feelings, thoughts and mindset return. Its so much easier, so much safer. No one gets hurt. You don't have to trust, don't have to hope anymore.

Its the hope thats the worst.

So what am I doing now? I'm allowing myself to hope, and I'm not sure why. I'm skeptical, oh God. I can't afford to be hurt like that again. I won't survive. But I can't hide forever either.

Conundrum.

Just Because We Use Cheats Doesn't Mean We're Not Smart

God its been forever since I've actually written something on here. I'm considering putting this site on facebook or something, not because I want more people to read it but because I want people to understand. I tell someone that I went crazy and they give me a look like "yeah....sure, ok". But if they read the things I posted through August and September they'll understand. You can't help it.

What a scared naive little girl. And before that, what a starry-eyed idiot. Its amazing how much things have changed and how much things have stayed exactly the same. There are moments. I think everyone has them, moments when you know things are going to work out or get worse. I've had several, of both. But I'm no longer stagnant.

The stagnation was probably the worst, it was probably what was driving me to feeling so crazy, so close to that borderline between sane and over the cliff. Nothing moved, nothing changed, nothing happened, nothing got better or worse. It was as if I were being punished for something I hadn't done, for something I wasn't even aware of.

I'm getting too pretentious and stupid. My point, and I do have one. Is that things are better, but they aren't great. But I don't want them to be. I would be worried if everything was great. I would be worried if I had a ton of money and I'd met the love of my life and I were living in little rock in a great apartment and my car ran just fine and I had a fantastic job. I would be waiting for the bottom to drop out. I would expect a meteor to hit the earth or for a bomb to hit or something. Small time disasters are good if you think about them.

Last summer was too perfect. I had no complaints. Oh, I'm sure I did at the time, but looking back it was too great. I had the perfect guy and an awesome house that was constantly filled with people. I live with two of my best friends, I was working and I was always busy. And then look at what happened. The bottom exploded out from under me.

So I'm a little ok with the fact that everything kind of sucks right now.

Duct Tape and Soldered Wire

I've been listening to The Weakerthans non-stop lately. I now have every one of their albums and I'm pretty sure there isn't one of their songs I don't like. I highly recommend them on anyone who has even decent taste in music, and if you don't listen to them anyway so that you have something good in your library.

I've also been reading everything I can get my hands on. I always prided myself on being well read, but this was pretty much a bold faced lie. I mean, I read at a fast pace, and fairly intelligent but I don't read all that much. Except over the last month I've re-read everything I own and I've been buying books like crazy. I just got done reading a book called "An Unquiet Mind" it was incredible. Its written by a psychologist who suffers from bi-polar disorder. The way she describes the mania's and the depressions is so breath-taking. God I can't even imagine.....I just can't imagine. I'm now reading "Girl Interrupted" its actually quite different from the movie, but not so much that I'll end up hating the movie. Next in line is a Chuck Palanauk book, and then hopefully I'll have something in mind after that.

I'm trying to keep as busy as possible, I'm working whenever I can. For the first time ever, I'm telling them to call me if they need someone to come in. Believe me I was shocked when I actually said it, and even more so when I accepted the first time. The money will be nice to have, and it gives me something to do. Sounds pathetic right? I don't mean for it too, I just don't want to sit at home right now. The idea of it makes me itch. Imagine, me not wanting to be alone right now. A year ago and thats all I would have wanted, the idea of living alone would have been a dream come true. But now its just where I'm at right now.



Megan

Anyone heard of Suffrage?

Once apon a time I wrote about actual issues that meant something to me on here. Yeah I know I said I was done. Sue me, whatever.

Today while driving to school I was listening to NPR (If you don't know what that is, then shame on you) and they were talking about a trial that is taking place in Utah between a polygamist and one of his wives. He raped the girl when she was 14 and then forced her to marry him, the prosecuting attorney is now bringing out photos of her honeymoon in which she is smiling as evidence that she was happy in the marriage. Sound fishy to anyone else?

First of all, polygamy is a little strange in itself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a person to judge anyone on their beliefs. It is not my job to tell anyone they're wrong. Personally I'd be bored to tears if we all believed the same damn thing, so I'm glad that there's some crazy ass people out there. But the fact that there are people out there that think its perfectly fine to have 7 or 8 spouses is just a little odd you know? I mean its hard enough to have a normal relationship with one person let alone 5 other people.

I digress.

The prosecuting attorney is forcing this poor girl to re-live the experience of being raped by her second cousin, not to mention a man twice her age. And then they make her sister get on the stand and testify to the fact that she herself was almost forced to marry a man that was 85 years old. These are people that honestly think that women have no right to say no to men. Excuse me if I'm correct, but it is 2007 and not 1777 right? I know I'm repeating myself when I say this, but our ancestors did not work as hard as they did (Margaret Sanger, Elizabeth Stanton) so that we could still live in the dark ages. And then for an issue like this to basically go unnoticed. Its ridiculous people. We need to stop focusing on issues like what Britney Spears is doing to her hair and start focusing on issues like what people are doing to their children and how women are being treated in todays society.

We've come a long way, it is true. But we still have one hell of a fight ahead of us.

Megan

Gearing Up To Scream

Alright, so this is it for this blog. I keep forgetting. Ok thats a big lie, but we'll just go with it yeah?

We'll go with this one and say that things have been going relatively well the last few weeks. The place is great.....yeah thats right its great, being all alone. Its nice to be a grown up and have a place to myself, not to live with the family or with roommates, to come and go as I please.

I got my financial aid the other day and I seriously considered just leaving. Driving to Chicago or Seattle or maybe Denver. I'd like to see where I was born. I could do it, just pack up and move, go where nobody knows me. Start over, get a job at a measuem somewhere. It was incredibly appealing....I'm still not sure what stopped me. Probably fear. Yeah, probably.

My professor broke his leg last night so class is canceled today. Too bad. I might actually go to the bookstore today.

God I love the Old 97's.

I'm writing a lot. I bought a journal, it'll probably join all the other journals I buy in my journal graveyard pretty soon. But for now I'm writing. So here's this.

Blue and green. Purple, pinstripes. Ever so lucky right? The marathon was run by the wrong person, too bad no one won the ribbon. So here she sits back on the cliff with the windows burning behind her. Music too loud, laces too tight. Answering a question that hasn't been asked. Warning Will Robinson! That was my band first. Breaking hearts, tangled hair. Blood on the moon, not quite. Starry skies and rainy streets, its all part of the game. I'm not very good at playing.

Megan