Here are three of my favorite poems.
Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all we shall know for the truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you and I sigh.
"A Drinking Song" by W.B Yeats.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead,
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
~"Mad Girls Love Song" By Silvia Plath
Ever been kidnapped
by a poet
if i were a poet
i'd kidnap you
put you in my phrases and meter
You to jones beach
or maybe coney island
or maybe just to my house
lyric you in lilacs
dash you in the rain
blend into the beach
to complement my see
Play the lyre for you
ode you with my love song
anything to win you
wrap you in the red Black green
show you off to mama
yeah if i were a poet i'd kid
nap you
~"Kidnap Poem" By Nikki Giovanni"
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Dancing down the cobblestones
I'm sitting in the library at 8:30 in the morning. I'm contemplating going to purchase some coffee. Apparently the library is updating its furniture. *Nothing in the world would help update this library that looks as if it just came off of a Bob Newheart shoot*
I keep thinking about where I was a year ago. I keep thinking about how much can chang in a year. And I keep thinking about how I swore I was going to stay the same person forever. What I mean by that is, I swore I was never going to get any better; I swore I was going to stay in the same "rut" for the rest of my life. Locked up in that little apartment watching sad....sad movies all by myself eating cereal and juice and coffee forever. Occassionally going to class, but even then if I went to campus I would still leave in the middle of the day to wander around Little Rock. And then at night, I would drive around town listening to music too loud until I was too tired to drive. I would go through cycles of wanting to talk to someone so badly that I would call practically everyone in my phone, to not answering my phone for days.
Yeah, I knew I was slightly crazy. But I was alright with it because I didn't know how to be any other way. And because I didn't know how to be any other way, I honestly didn't think I was ever going to get any better. But time does pass, even when you think its the most unlikely thing to ever happen, and each ticking of a second feels like the passing of a day. Time does pass, and time does heal. As horribly cliche as that sounds.
And now, I am exactly where I want to be. I would not say that everything is perfect, because no one's life is perfect. And if someone is saying that, they're lying. But I'm where I want to be. I have a job I like, I'm living exactly where I want to live. I have the most amazing friends I've ever had. I might not get to see them as much as I'd want, but its ok. And the part that I'm most alright with, is the fact that everything is not alright. I would be scared if everything was perfect, if my life was completely in line. I like the fact that I have to struggle, that I have to fight.
I had it great and perfect for a while, and then my world exploded. Great and perfect? Its not all its cracked up to be.
I keep thinking about where I was a year ago. I keep thinking about how much can chang in a year. And I keep thinking about how I swore I was going to stay the same person forever. What I mean by that is, I swore I was never going to get any better; I swore I was going to stay in the same "rut" for the rest of my life. Locked up in that little apartment watching sad....sad movies all by myself eating cereal and juice and coffee forever. Occassionally going to class, but even then if I went to campus I would still leave in the middle of the day to wander around Little Rock. And then at night, I would drive around town listening to music too loud until I was too tired to drive. I would go through cycles of wanting to talk to someone so badly that I would call practically everyone in my phone, to not answering my phone for days.
Yeah, I knew I was slightly crazy. But I was alright with it because I didn't know how to be any other way. And because I didn't know how to be any other way, I honestly didn't think I was ever going to get any better. But time does pass, even when you think its the most unlikely thing to ever happen, and each ticking of a second feels like the passing of a day. Time does pass, and time does heal. As horribly cliche as that sounds.
And now, I am exactly where I want to be. I would not say that everything is perfect, because no one's life is perfect. And if someone is saying that, they're lying. But I'm where I want to be. I have a job I like, I'm living exactly where I want to live. I have the most amazing friends I've ever had. I might not get to see them as much as I'd want, but its ok. And the part that I'm most alright with, is the fact that everything is not alright. I would be scared if everything was perfect, if my life was completely in line. I like the fact that I have to struggle, that I have to fight.
I had it great and perfect for a while, and then my world exploded. Great and perfect? Its not all its cracked up to be.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Juxtaposition With a Rose and a Tulip.
I will admit, if we're being honest; and I think we might as well, that I haven't been writing on here because I'm been putting down all of my thoughts in writing. Not for any particular reason, I suppose because its easier and for some reason my thoughts seem more congruent on paper.
I've been in a bit of a funk. Why, my avid reader, you might ask? Because I'm annoyed by everything and everybody. During a conversation with someone, and it doesn't matter who, I find myself lost in my own thoughts. Partly because I've been consumed in my own world but also because I simply don't want to be engaged in a conversation with anyone. And then once I realize that the other person realizes I'm not paying attention I'm annoyed at them for being annoyed. Its a strange dichotomy.
This is me at my most anti-social. I thought maybe I was unhappy for some unexplicable reason, but after some heaving thinking I came to the realization that it is just the opposite. I'm strangely happy for the first time in a very long time. There's nothing dramatic going on, I go to work and I go to school and I'm completely serious when I say there really isn't anything else going on. And for the first time in over a year there is no male trouble, I am completely and totally fine with the fact that I have no romantic interests right now. I prefer it that way, its taken me too long to get to this point to mess it all up again.
So why then am I suddenly a virtual introvert? I really have no answers, nor do I really have any theories. I've never been stellar when it comes to keeping conversations flowing, but this is a bit ridiculous. And the idea of having to be perky leaves me a little sick. I'm hoping it will pass, because I know most people don't understand it. I'm not sure I do for that matter.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
And We Took Our Bows To The Anxious Crowd
So what exactly is it about my genetic makeup that makes me predispositioned to find guys who are neurotic and can't make up their goddamn mind?
Here I was rather content to just hang out with him and hold hands. And he's practically having nervous breakdowns about the fact that his life is apparently not put together.
We're 22 years old. No one's life is put together at 22 years old!
I'm just so exhausted. I mean really tired. I just want someone who wants to be with me, and is ok with just being with me. Someone who isn't completely obsessed with what is going on in their lives, or what isn't going on in their lives.
I suppose I should be greatful that he didn't just drop off the face of the planet and stop talking to me all together. But he's the one who started this in the first place. I didn't ask him to talk to me again. I was completely fine without him.
Stupid indie, pretentious, tattoo boy.
Why can't I hate him?
Why do I still want to be friends with him?
At least this isn't as bad as the last one. Thank God for that. No laying in the kitchen floor, no crazy ranting.
I'm done though. I am soooo done.
Here I was rather content to just hang out with him and hold hands. And he's practically having nervous breakdowns about the fact that his life is apparently not put together.
We're 22 years old. No one's life is put together at 22 years old!
I'm just so exhausted. I mean really tired. I just want someone who wants to be with me, and is ok with just being with me. Someone who isn't completely obsessed with what is going on in their lives, or what isn't going on in their lives.
I suppose I should be greatful that he didn't just drop off the face of the planet and stop talking to me all together. But he's the one who started this in the first place. I didn't ask him to talk to me again. I was completely fine without him.
Stupid indie, pretentious, tattoo boy.
Why can't I hate him?
Why do I still want to be friends with him?
At least this isn't as bad as the last one. Thank God for that. No laying in the kitchen floor, no crazy ranting.
I'm done though. I am soooo done.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
All Thats Left Is Whats Debatable Again.
It's been annoying me ever since you asked and I gave a crappy answer, considering it's what I want to spend my adult life teaching. I should be able to explain to my students why history is important, why it is so much more than a bunch of old dead guys and dates, and why they should give shit. But it's difficult when it seems like nothing more than facts. Events that took place in a time that never mattered to you, had no adverse effect on what is going on today. And it's especially hard when we all realize that we won't end up in any history or record books and that eventually we will be forgotten. I understand that will all of these things stacked up against it the subject of history seems, to put it mildly, boring. Antique. Unnecessary.
But if you will just allow yourself to stop looking at history as a dead and decaying subject and instead realize that it is very much a living, breathing thing. History is what is happening right at this very moment, it's what happened yesterday, it's what will happen tomorrow or a year from now. It may be a terrible example but, our kids are going to ask us what it was like to be alive when September 11th happened; where we were, what we were doing. Hell, they may even ask us what we were doing when the blackout in New York happened. All of it is history, we may not see it that way, but it is. We don't even know what future generations will find fascinating......maybe the "Emo Movement"?? This recession will be talked about, close to how the Great Depression is talked about. I'm not saying we'll be in bread lines and we'll tack on signs outside our towns telling people that transients aren't welcome, but in our century its probably as close as we'll come. We'll talk about George W. Bush like our parents talk about Nixon. History is not old and dusty, it just has a bad reputation for being that way, because that is how it is taught most of the time.
I was wrong when I said we learned from our mistakes. We don't for the most part. Otherwise, we wouldn't still have genocides, only in different countries. There wouldn't be anymore war, world or civil. American's wouldn't be trying to shove democracy down everyone's throats because they would know that you can't force a form of government on a people. But these things still happen, of course they do; because people, especially world leaders, are morons and it's a shit, shit world. Except, I believe we, as a human race are capable of learning from our mistakes. Countries by themselves have learned from their past; America no longer practices slavery, Britain is no longer colonizing India, Russia is no longer Communist......probably. So yeah, the world is not perfect, but I think we can try.
On of the most important points to me, although maybe not to anyone else, are the people throughout history who have died for what they believed in, or shown that greatness is possible. Those men and women deserve to be remembered. Franklin Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy and Lindon B. Johnson, they deserve more than to just be remembered as dead presidents. Margaret Sanger, Elizabeth I, Harriett Tubman, Rosa Parks, Catherine the Great; they all deserve more than to be remembered as merely women. The soldiers of the Revolutionary, Civil, and World Wars although we may no know all their names we can learn about the battles and their culture and remember them for what they sacrificed.
I could keep going, but I can't really tell if I've made my point or not. We don't disappear once we're gone, whether we know it or not. Everyone makes their mark in history, it just depends on how big you want your mark to be.
But if you will just allow yourself to stop looking at history as a dead and decaying subject and instead realize that it is very much a living, breathing thing. History is what is happening right at this very moment, it's what happened yesterday, it's what will happen tomorrow or a year from now. It may be a terrible example but, our kids are going to ask us what it was like to be alive when September 11th happened; where we were, what we were doing. Hell, they may even ask us what we were doing when the blackout in New York happened. All of it is history, we may not see it that way, but it is. We don't even know what future generations will find fascinating......maybe the "Emo Movement"?? This recession will be talked about, close to how the Great Depression is talked about. I'm not saying we'll be in bread lines and we'll tack on signs outside our towns telling people that transients aren't welcome, but in our century its probably as close as we'll come. We'll talk about George W. Bush like our parents talk about Nixon. History is not old and dusty, it just has a bad reputation for being that way, because that is how it is taught most of the time.
I was wrong when I said we learned from our mistakes. We don't for the most part. Otherwise, we wouldn't still have genocides, only in different countries. There wouldn't be anymore war, world or civil. American's wouldn't be trying to shove democracy down everyone's throats because they would know that you can't force a form of government on a people. But these things still happen, of course they do; because people, especially world leaders, are morons and it's a shit, shit world. Except, I believe we, as a human race are capable of learning from our mistakes. Countries by themselves have learned from their past; America no longer practices slavery, Britain is no longer colonizing India, Russia is no longer Communist......probably. So yeah, the world is not perfect, but I think we can try.
On of the most important points to me, although maybe not to anyone else, are the people throughout history who have died for what they believed in, or shown that greatness is possible. Those men and women deserve to be remembered. Franklin Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy and Lindon B. Johnson, they deserve more than to just be remembered as dead presidents. Margaret Sanger, Elizabeth I, Harriett Tubman, Rosa Parks, Catherine the Great; they all deserve more than to be remembered as merely women. The soldiers of the Revolutionary, Civil, and World Wars although we may no know all their names we can learn about the battles and their culture and remember them for what they sacrificed.
I could keep going, but I can't really tell if I've made my point or not. We don't disappear once we're gone, whether we know it or not. Everyone makes their mark in history, it just depends on how big you want your mark to be.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Till the Green Apple Grows on a Sour Apple Tree
Loose ends.
My life is a bunch of loose ends. Oh, I'm not trying to sound overly dramatic or make anyone feel sorry for me, it's just a fact really. It always feel like I have a million little things to finish.
Probably my fault most of the time.
Skepticism is a good emotion, even if you think its not. I promise its one of the best tools a person can have. Hold on to it if you keep nothing else. It's a hard lesson that I had to learn. I lost it and I trusted blindly.
The bitterness returns full swing.
Its hard not to let the bitter feelings, thoughts and mindset return. Its so much easier, so much safer. No one gets hurt. You don't have to trust, don't have to hope anymore.
Its the hope thats the worst.
So what am I doing now? I'm allowing myself to hope, and I'm not sure why. I'm skeptical, oh God. I can't afford to be hurt like that again. I won't survive. But I can't hide forever either.
Conundrum.
My life is a bunch of loose ends. Oh, I'm not trying to sound overly dramatic or make anyone feel sorry for me, it's just a fact really. It always feel like I have a million little things to finish.
Probably my fault most of the time.
Skepticism is a good emotion, even if you think its not. I promise its one of the best tools a person can have. Hold on to it if you keep nothing else. It's a hard lesson that I had to learn. I lost it and I trusted blindly.
The bitterness returns full swing.
Its hard not to let the bitter feelings, thoughts and mindset return. Its so much easier, so much safer. No one gets hurt. You don't have to trust, don't have to hope anymore.
Its the hope thats the worst.
So what am I doing now? I'm allowing myself to hope, and I'm not sure why. I'm skeptical, oh God. I can't afford to be hurt like that again. I won't survive. But I can't hide forever either.
Conundrum.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Just Because We Use Cheats Doesn't Mean We're Not Smart
God its been forever since I've actually written something on here. I'm considering putting this site on facebook or something, not because I want more people to read it but because I want people to understand. I tell someone that I went crazy and they give me a look like "yeah....sure, ok". But if they read the things I posted through August and September they'll understand. You can't help it.
What a scared naive little girl. And before that, what a starry-eyed idiot. Its amazing how much things have changed and how much things have stayed exactly the same. There are moments. I think everyone has them, moments when you know things are going to work out or get worse. I've had several, of both. But I'm no longer stagnant.
The stagnation was probably the worst, it was probably what was driving me to feeling so crazy, so close to that borderline between sane and over the cliff. Nothing moved, nothing changed, nothing happened, nothing got better or worse. It was as if I were being punished for something I hadn't done, for something I wasn't even aware of.
I'm getting too pretentious and stupid. My point, and I do have one. Is that things are better, but they aren't great. But I don't want them to be. I would be worried if everything was great. I would be worried if I had a ton of money and I'd met the love of my life and I were living in little rock in a great apartment and my car ran just fine and I had a fantastic job. I would be waiting for the bottom to drop out. I would expect a meteor to hit the earth or for a bomb to hit or something. Small time disasters are good if you think about them.
Last summer was too perfect. I had no complaints. Oh, I'm sure I did at the time, but looking back it was too great. I had the perfect guy and an awesome house that was constantly filled with people. I live with two of my best friends, I was working and I was always busy. And then look at what happened. The bottom exploded out from under me.
So I'm a little ok with the fact that everything kind of sucks right now.
What a scared naive little girl. And before that, what a starry-eyed idiot. Its amazing how much things have changed and how much things have stayed exactly the same. There are moments. I think everyone has them, moments when you know things are going to work out or get worse. I've had several, of both. But I'm no longer stagnant.
The stagnation was probably the worst, it was probably what was driving me to feeling so crazy, so close to that borderline between sane and over the cliff. Nothing moved, nothing changed, nothing happened, nothing got better or worse. It was as if I were being punished for something I hadn't done, for something I wasn't even aware of.
I'm getting too pretentious and stupid. My point, and I do have one. Is that things are better, but they aren't great. But I don't want them to be. I would be worried if everything was great. I would be worried if I had a ton of money and I'd met the love of my life and I were living in little rock in a great apartment and my car ran just fine and I had a fantastic job. I would be waiting for the bottom to drop out. I would expect a meteor to hit the earth or for a bomb to hit or something. Small time disasters are good if you think about them.
Last summer was too perfect. I had no complaints. Oh, I'm sure I did at the time, but looking back it was too great. I had the perfect guy and an awesome house that was constantly filled with people. I live with two of my best friends, I was working and I was always busy. And then look at what happened. The bottom exploded out from under me.
So I'm a little ok with the fact that everything kind of sucks right now.
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