The Heart Aches and Shakes

What is love?

Is it as the movie says? Never having to say your sorry?

I seriously doubt that.

I think love means having to say your sorry, and being comfortable in that knowledge.

But aside from that I'm not sure what it is.

It seems like almost everyone settles for the first person that will put up with them for an extended amount of time.

I think that is what scares me more than anything. I don't want to be with someone just because I'm afraid of being alone.

But do I really want to be alone? Yeah, there's a catch 22 for you.

And how do you know if you actually love someone? How do you know it's not going to fade after a few months? How do you know you're not going to sink into some kind of insanity and lose yourself?

This is what comes from thinking too much.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow.

Worst holiday ever. It makes everyone who is in a relationship feel great. And everyone who isn't feel like the red-headed stepchild with lepersy.

Every other day of the year I'm absolutely fine with not being part of a couple, but then Valentine's Day rolls around with it's stupid teddy bears, chocolate hearts and over the top flower arrangements, and suddenly I start looking around wondering "what is wrong with me? if these morons could find someone why can't I?"

And it's definitely the wrong time for anyone to tell me. "Well maybe you just have to wait a little longer for the right person."

Easy for you to say douche bag, you've been with the same person for a decade.

I wouldn't be surprised if the suicide rate sky rockets during this weekend.

Not even the Olympics can make me feel better.

Stupid commercial holiday.

Living on the Other End of the Tracks.

I've been in a state of hybernation for about a month now.

No, that's wrong. It's going on two months now.

Really, I suppose it's my fault. Something happened where I just wasn't happy anymore. With anything. Not my job, not my apartment, not my friends. And so like usual I just packed up and left.

If I look back over the last three years I've done that a lot. I always wondered why I've spend the majority of the time moving and the answer isn't that difficult to figure out. I've turned running away from my problems into an art.

And so now I'm living at home, with no job and not going to school.

Yeah, this is exactly where I wanted to be at 23 years old........

How did I get here. What chain of events led me to this, what could I have done? Am I really just that unproductive or lazy, or scared?

I'm willing to bet on the scared end of the stick.

There is something about asking for help that scares the crap out of me, always has. I'd rather not do something than run the risk of someone turning me down. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

I have all of these dreams and ambitions and hopes and desires and I can't make myself take the first step towards any of them.

I am my own worst enemy.

Lonely Times at the OK Corral.

This is my last week in my apartment. It's my last week in Little Rock.

And I can't honestly say I'm sad about it. I love my neighborhood and aside from some minor problems I really do like my apartment. But other than that I don't feel like I'm leaving anything that important.

This is mostly due to the fact that the past month has been hectic. And that is putting it lightly.

It's hard to make people understand that I'm not being distant on purpose, I don't intentionally try to keep people at arms length. I've had a lot of....well crap......to deal with. And for some odd reason no one seems to get that.

I am not a person prone to drama, I much prefer to sit back and watch everyone else scramble. But I hate being the person that others depend on for support and then when it comes time that I need a little bit of understanding everyone runs in the other direction. It hurts more than anything to be told in no uncertain terms that my friendship is just not needed anymore.

I'm sorry. I'm venting and I really shouldn't be. But why shouldn't I go home to my family and two of my absolute best friends that I know will be there no matter what happens? Maybe it's something to do with the time of year, but it sucks when you find out that something you thought was so important and held so dear turns out to be a figment of your imagination.

Whoville and the Polar Express

December.

Probably my favorite month all year long, even more so than my birthday month. I love everything about Christmas......except for the whole working in retail thing. I love the cold weather, I love the Christmas lights, the decorations on houses, I love stockings and Christmas cookies, and searching for better Christmas songs. It's a time of year that I always look forward too and always feel sad when it hits December 26.

It makes me sad when I meet people who hate the holidays. I can understand hating how people turn into lunatics and fight over a nose hairtrimmer just because it's 15$ cheaper. But to me, and maybe this is the cheesiest thing I've ever said, Christmas is about being with your family; whether they're biological or people you've acquired over the years. Who cares about presents? Just give me the whole day to sit around in my jammies eating cinnamon buns and drinking hot cocoa.

Now that I've made everybody throw up just a little I'll move on.

The last two weeks have been absolutely insane. I've gone from doing the same thing day in and day out to leaving my job and moving home. I'm sure my sister is just ecstatic........the sarcasm should be oozing down your computer screen right about now. But I'm really not that upset about it. It could actually be kind of nice to be back home for a while. For some reason I'm never completely comfortable like I am there. I suppose it has something to do with me continuously thinking of it as "home".

I've decided not to go back to school for now. I know, I know it's a tragedy. But I have got to get my shit together, I need to figure out who I am and where I want to go, and I'm not going to do that if I'm constantly stressed out about classes. So, I'm getting a full time job that provides health care, a necessity, and moving home so I can save up money and hopefully get a place by myself.

So.....cheers everyone! And have a merry and beautiful Christmas.

Windy Cities and Dinner Plates

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving. And whereas I'm exciting to spend the day with my family and being engrossed in our insanity, but on the other hand working in retail and having to deal with Black Friday kind of puts a damper on the holiday. It's like everyone else gets to go out and have a great long weekend, but for those of us enslaved to corporate clothing and electronic stores its the day from hell. I don't care what any manager says, working the day after Thanksgiving is worse than getting a root canal.

I've been having an issue with moods lately. One minute I want to be around people and be social, and then ten minutes later I've turned my phone off and curled up in bed to read. I don't think I'm depressed and I know being slightly anti-social is one of the things I'm known for....but it's starting to get on my nerves.

Maybe part of it is my deep want for someone to rely on. Yes, yes I love my friends and my family is wonderful blah, blah, blah. But how nice would it be to know there was a name in your phone that no matter what was going on would pick up and genuinely listen.

Somehow I always end up talking about my love life....or lack thereof. It's not that I'm lonely, I'm moderately happy with the way things are. That isn't to say that I wouldn't mind if something changed. I feel like I'm on the edge of something. I don't know if it's bad or good, but I can almost feel it. I just wish someone would tell me that its ok to jump, or its ok to step back.

Headlights and Dashboards

So I have a hard time communicating.
It's something I've been told and it's something I've noticed.
Because of my disposition it is often mistaken for fridged and passive aggressive when in reality the thoughts that are running through my head are often unable to make their way out.
So if you don't feel like reading any further feel free to go do something else.
This is mostly for myself.

I'm largely misunderstood......well that just sounds like the lyric to a bad 90's pop song.
I think for the most part people have a difficult time understanding me. But how can they be expected to when I have a difficult time understanding myself?
I am an introvert in every sense of the word. I'm not shy, but I just don't see the point in talking to someone until I've decided that I want to talk to them. I'd much rather stay home and read given the choice. I am much more comfortable in smaller groups than at huge parties where I don't know half the people in the room; I tend to feel claustrophobic and panicky. Above all, I am not a mean person, but it is difficult for me to show affection; I don't think its something I necessarily have to work on. I have to know someone for what I feel is an adequate amount of time before I let that barrier down.

And while we're on the subject of barriers. I don't want to say I've had the worst luck with relationships, maybe some of the most odd luck. I realize I'm probably too picky but when it comes right down to it all I really want is someone who truly likes me. Someone who wants to be with me and genuinely understands me. I just want a guy who actually wants to be my boyfriend, not a guy who has more emotional baggage than a French diplomats wife.....I have to put a great deal of energy into fixing me, I can't fix him too.