There's this place I go inside my head where I'm not socially awkward and overly sarcastic. Where I'm just the right amount of witty and can light up a room just by walking through the door.
I've never really understand how people do that. How do you become the center of attention just by sitting down? How is that not something you strive for?
Of course, in the place inside my head I'm also brilliant and fly through classes like they're a vacation. School has always been work to me, not that its hard but it's just one of those things thats necessary to survive. I wish I could be excited about my College Mathematics class....but instead it feel like I'm having to go sit in a penitentiary for an hour.
Why can't I just sit at home and listen to music while doodling on a piece of paper?
I also have a group of friends that other people envy, in this place I go to. We all love each other, we're all fantastically funny and unique. I'm grateful for the friends I do have. Maybe I'm just a solitary person by nature, which really I'm perfectly fine with most of the time. I spend too much time inside my own head to divide my attention between a lot of people.
Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm selfless. How do you figure something like that out? Does anyone actually go through a period of self discovery like they do on Judd Apatow movies? Is there ever a moment where you say "oh, thats what I'm destined to do." It's disappointing, but I don't think so.
Maybe it's best to just do what you can with what you have and be happy with that.
Lissy was a seven year old with pretty blond hair and dark brown eyes when she watched her daddy drive away for the last time. His fishing polls and ratty t-shirts packed into boxes. She'd heard mommy crying as he walked out of the side door. Mommy spent a lot of time crying anymore. Ever since her baby brother had to go away. Lissy knew what "divorce" meant, but she didn't know why it had to happen to her family. She remembered times when she'd gone to the park with mommy, or gone to the river with daddy. Happy times. But not anymore. Lissy walked downstairs, holding onto the railing the whole way. Mommy sat on the floor in the kitchen staring at the cabinets. Maybe she saw shapes in the glass fronts just like Lissy did. "Mommy?" Lissy said. Mommy stared at the cabinets some more. "Mommy, is daddy gone?" Mommy nodded her head without looking. "He went away because he isn't happy." "Is he coming back?" Lissy already knew the answer. "No. No he isn't coming back." Mommy stood up and walked over to Lissy. "Lissybeth you know how to make grilled cheese right?" Lissy nodded her head, happy that she could do something so grown up. "And you know how to make cereal for yourself?" Again, Lissy nodded. "You have plenty of clean clothes, and you know how to take a bath by yourself right?" Lissy started to wonder if maybe she'd done something wrong. "Yes maam." Mommy walked into the livingroom, again never looking at Lissy. "Lissybeth you know how much I love your daddy don't you?" "You used to call him your super hero." "He still is Lissy. But I can't make him happy." Lissy stood next to mommy and held her hand. "Maybe it was me, maybe I didn't make him happy." Finally mommy glanced down at her. "No Lissybeth, it isn't you." Mommy walked over to the desk in front of the big window. "Lissybeth, you know I can't live without your daddy don't you? I can't be alone." Lissy stood where she was. "But you have me mommy." "I know, but I can't do this without him." It sounded like mommy was far away. "Lissy, I want you to go up to your room now. Go up to your room and be a good girl." Lissy automatically did what mommy asked, something she'd always been told to do. When she got to the stairs she looked back at mommy. "I love you mommy." Mommy looked at her. "I love you too Lissybeth." Lissy had just closed the door to her room when she heard the loud POP. She knew what that sound was, and she knew not to go downstairs. And so Lissy did the only thing she could. She crawled into her pink and white bed, and went to sleep.
I think it's interesting how people are constantly wearing masks. Not literally masks, but they make they're face portray something other than what they actually feel.
I suppose most of this is due to the stigma that it is somehow unacceptable to be anything but stupidly happy all of the time. Does it mean there's something wrong with being sad or angry or disappointed?
I understand that it isn't exactly healthy to walk around feeling sorry for yourself every minute of everyday. And really I am not the person to tell anyone to talk about what is in the depths of they're psyche.
How many times have I been told that I never talk about myself, or when something is visibly wrong I tend to shut down and get angry if pushed too far.
I have never been a big fan of talking about feelings. It usually makes me feel stupid afterward.
But does this make me seem boring to those who don't know me? Does this preference to listen to others instead of myself make me seem dull?
There are times when I wish my brain would shut of for a while, just so I could spend an hour or so without over thinking everything. Over-analyzing is one of my specialties.
I've never been afraid of being alone, not lonely, but alone. There is a difference.
You can be alone and not be lonely, just as you can be lonely but never alone.
Being alone has never scared me. For the most part I do well by myself.
There once was this girl. And this girl had a red door. Not a new door, but not an old one either. But a well loved and well used red door.
Behind this red door she put all her memories, both good and bad. She put all her sad thoughts. They were all stacked in messy stacks with big blue signs on top.
After every memory she would choose the most interesting sign and stick the memory. All the while this girl would smile and say that she had no regrets, no mistakes. Because you see, this girl had convinced herself that if she couldn't see it then the hurt didn't exist.
But one day this girl opened the door and all of her memories were gone. All her sad feelings were missing. She slammed the red door and kicked at the wall.
It was the doors fault, it had failed her. Because you see, instead of being locked behind a door they had all found they're way into her mind. And so now, this girl I know, is looking for a new red door.