Headlights and Dashboards

So I have a hard time communicating.
It's something I've been told and it's something I've noticed.
Because of my disposition it is often mistaken for fridged and passive aggressive when in reality the thoughts that are running through my head are often unable to make their way out.
So if you don't feel like reading any further feel free to go do something else.
This is mostly for myself.

I'm largely misunderstood......well that just sounds like the lyric to a bad 90's pop song.
I think for the most part people have a difficult time understanding me. But how can they be expected to when I have a difficult time understanding myself?
I am an introvert in every sense of the word. I'm not shy, but I just don't see the point in talking to someone until I've decided that I want to talk to them. I'd much rather stay home and read given the choice. I am much more comfortable in smaller groups than at huge parties where I don't know half the people in the room; I tend to feel claustrophobic and panicky. Above all, I am not a mean person, but it is difficult for me to show affection; I don't think its something I necessarily have to work on. I have to know someone for what I feel is an adequate amount of time before I let that barrier down.

And while we're on the subject of barriers. I don't want to say I've had the worst luck with relationships, maybe some of the most odd luck. I realize I'm probably too picky but when it comes right down to it all I really want is someone who truly likes me. Someone who wants to be with me and genuinely understands me. I just want a guy who actually wants to be my boyfriend, not a guy who has more emotional baggage than a French diplomats wife.....I have to put a great deal of energy into fixing me, I can't fix him too.

Let The Wild Rumpus Start!

Its been a month since I was on here last.
No wonder no one reads this.

Should I make something up, and say I 've been super crazy busy for a whole month?
Too bad it isn't really true.

I work all the time now, to the point where a day off is like a vacation.
I realize that grown ups all over the world do this for a living, hold down a regular job that is.
But all I've ever known are 4-5 hours shifts that plop right in the middle of my day.
Now I'm working steady hours and can actually pay my bills without it taking up my whole paycheck. So what if that only leaves 20$ for the rest of the week.

I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm boring.
I'll be sitting in a room with someone and that person will be talking about something that I think is genuinely interesting, and in my head all kinds of thoughts are racing. But I never say anything.
It's like there's a wall between my mind and my mouth.
For some reason I just can't make myself say something to carry on the conversation.
It could be that I'm just bored, or maybe it's that I can't seem to put into words the fact that just being around someone else is good enough. I don't feel the compulsion to talk all the time. I'm a quiet person by nature, sometimes I wish I could change this. But unless I've had one too many or I'm in an uncharacteristically good mood I'm not going to jabber for thirty minutes about my day.
I get it from my dad.

I've also decided that I'm going to be Max from Where the Wild Things Are for Halloween.
It is by far my favorite children's book.
I realize that every other human on Planet Earth would say the same thing, but it was the first book I remember reading by myself.
And I love that instead of throwing a temper tantrum when he's sent to his room Max uses his imagination and runs away.
Oh Maurice Sendak. Thank you for dreaming up a little boy in footie pajamas.

Stare at a Wall, See if it Will Move

There's this girl, and she sits at a computer.
She stares out the window a lot while twirling her hair.
She's always thinking and wishing and hoping and dreaming and scheming.
Waiting.
Waiting for something bigger and better to whisk her away.
People tell her things will change.
That one day she'll wake up and she won't recognize herself.

This girl I know?
She doesn't believe a word of it.
So she sits and she looks out the window.
She wonders what it would be like to pack a bag.
Throw a few shirts a pair of jeans and a pair of shoes into a backpack.
Take that backpack and never come back.
But this girl, she knows something she won't say out loud.
She's landlocked.

Landlocked by the walls, and the car, and the people and the job.
And by herself.
Yeah, mostly by herself.
So she sits and she looks out the window.
Her head has never been swimmy with love.
Her life has never been chaotic.
She's never disappeared.

So the girl, the one that I know?
She just stares out the window.
While sitting in front of her computer.
And twirls her hair.

Window Washers and Part-time Gardeners

Apparently my writings are slightly melodramatic. I don't mean for them to be. But I find that if I'm going to spend the time to put something on here it's usually because I've got something on my mind. Not because I'm wanting to talk about how my day went.
I've been re-reading my old journals, and I realized that my writings go one of two ways: hugely dramatic or incredibly boring. There's not a lot of middle ground. Again, I don't mean for them to be like that.
Random Thoughts:
My roommate just killed a huge bug in our bathroom, all I heard was her shriek and then three loud thuds.
I'm starting to get bored with the way my room looks.
I am very, very, very bad at any kind of relationship-type stuff.
I am also a touch neurotic.
I feel like I should be more interesting, or that I'm just not interesting at all.
I'm not as mean as people say I am.
When do you stop feeling like a little kid in an aging body?

Auditory Confetti

Its not often that I fall instantaneously in love.
But I have.
I have fallen in love with IO Echo.
I heard them on a commercial for some phone, I don't know which one.
They're awesome. Believe it.

If you've ever been apart of unrequited love.
Meaning: You like someone more than they like you, or they don't even know that you have feelings for them.
Listen to IO Echo's song "Doorway"
A-W-E-S-O-M-E
It's exactly what goes through your head when your not sure if your crazy or if the other person is just an asshole.

IO Echo.
"Doorway"

Do it.

The Waterfountains Don't Work

*Disclaimer* This is still fiction, at no time has any of this become true.

Well here we are again. I gave you like two months to find something better to do with your life and yet, your still reading this ill-advised refuse. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe you're one of those people that lives with their mother and plays D and D with your old college roommate because neither one of you can get laid.
If that's the case, then I'm sorry that this will be the closest you'll ever get to knowing a woman.
If that's not the case, you deserve what you get.

I always knew my life wasn't going to be one of those where I suddenly realized all the terrible mistakes I'd been making and I made amends for all my missteps. There was never going to be a scene where the music swelled the camera pushed in on my face and you could see it on my face that I knew I was goin' places. Crap like that just doesn't happen, I don't care what you want to believe. And if you think it does you need to get over yourself real quick. At no point does anyone ever wake up and say "Hey, I'm a grown up now, I feel really responsible!" Everyone is scared all the time. Those love scenes you see in the movies? No one has ever experienced one of those, and no one ever will. No one is as interesting as they think.

But I had a good job, a nice apartment and a best friend. So I was reasonably happy with the way things were going. Did I want more? Of course I did! I was human. This is where Randy came in. Yes his name was Randy. I should have known it was stupid just from the fact that he has a ridiculous name. Never mind that he was Charlottes husband.

Stepping off the Curb Into a Big Ass Puddle

You know after a while you begin to tell yourself that this time is the last time. That you aren't going to allow yourself to be sucked into that routine again.

Eventually you can't differentiate between this problem and a drug addiction.

Questions start coming to mind, because you aren't sure if this is because of you or because of something else. So mainly you blame yourself.

This also begins to sound like an abusive relationship.

The problem stems from the fact that it never gets to that point. Ever.

You get to a point where you begin to think that maybe its never going to happen. And you wonder if you'll ever just be able to accept that.