Crossing the River With No Rainboots.

It's warm and windy today, not such odd weather for Arkansas other than the fact that its late December. Kind of puts a wierd twist on seeing Christmas lights.

Do you ever hear a band, or a song that reminds you of something or a certain time in your life? Almost every band I know does that for me. Most of them good, most of the time I associate good memories with a song or a band that I'm listening to. But there are those that will come on the radio and I'm hit in the chest with a flash of a memory that makes me want to pull off onto the side of the road and lay my head on the steering wheel. Its never the crappy bands that I don't listen to very often, the one's that I wouldn't mind so much if I deleted from my playlist. No, it's always the one's that I could spend hours upon hours singing along to, or driving down some back road while blasting their songs through my rolled down windows. It's these artists that I listened to for an entire summer while being blissfully happy until the world crashed down around my ears while I stood there completely mistified as to what exactly was going on. It was these songs I played endlessly while slowly losing myself until finally I had no idea who I was and not one clue as to how to fight my way back.

Oh, I know I've said all of this before. And I still sound incredibly bitter, and maybe I am; I don't like to think so. I like to think I've moved on a considerable amount. But like I said last night. It's not that I'm angry for the same reasons, I'm not. But an apology, or some acknowledgment goes a long way.

There's A Light In The Distance.

Guess where I am? Yeah I know, not hard to figure out. Work.
So anyway, I have this problem and this problem is potentially huge. I'm not sure how to go about solving this potentially huge dilemna, because its also rather delicate. And if I approach it from the wrong direction I could ruin a friendship that I've had for a very, very long time. Or at least, piss this person off in a way that would damage the friendship possibly forever.
Sorry if that was confusing; but I can't really get into it.

It is almost Christmas however. And it being my last night to work before that glorious holiday has put me in a rather chipper mood. I just hope my tire doesn't blow out on my way home.
I have the entireity of tomorrow afternoon to do absolutely nothing, and so I'm thinking I might clean the apartment or go hiking. Whichever sounds more interesting. The apartment really needs to be cleaned, but I've really been wanting to hike through Allsopp park. Maybe I'll do both, live dangerously. I'm then spending the next three days at my sisters because there's food there and I can't afford gas.
Ok, well I'm done talking about absoutely nothing. Maybe next time I'll babble about world peace or famine.

Happy Christmas. Merry Holidays.

I'm sitting at work, I'm currently supposed to be answering phones and it might just be the most boring assignment ever. And I started thinking about something that happened recently.

Someone asked me if I thought saying "Merry Christmas" in a retail store was offensive. Now, at first glance those words look rather harmless, and I would be one of the first on the "tell everyone you pass to have a happy and joyous Christmas" bandwagon. But I started pondering why I would be asked that question in the first place. I remembered working at Target and how we were always told to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas but it was never really explained why we had to differentiate. Now I see the difference. Saying "Merry Christmas" only includes one holiday, saying "Happy Holiday's" includes all of them, and whether you like it or not, agree with it or not there are other holidays around this time of year besides Christmas. So really, its just good manners.

I told the person who asked me that I thought it would be better for a person working in that kind of environment to say "Happy Holidays" just to avoid offending anyone. This person looked at me like I had just sprouted a third arm out of my forehead. "But its Christmas time!" they replied. They were so angry by my answer, and so confused as to why I did not agree with them that they immediately launched into a lecture about how ridiculous it was for "us" to sacrifice our Christmas season and greeting just to accomodate a few people.

I considered explaining that the reason Christmas is at the end of December every year is because the early Christians needed a way to convert the pagans and so they combined their main religious holiday with the pagan's main religious holiday...the winter solstice. But I refrained and instead said that we weren't "accomodating" a "few" people, but a large percentage of the United States population, let alone the global population. And that they should be more considerate because I doubt they would like it very much if someone came up to them and said "Happy Hahnukah" or "Merry Kwanza" and then thought they were ridiculous for not realizing it was the same season.

My point is, we all need to be a little more tolerant of each other. Especially given what time of year it is, and why everyone keeps saying this season is all about.

Happy Holiday's everyone!!!!

My Edward until I find my Edward.

I'm not a scholar by any stretch of anyone's imagination, and I certainly do not count myself among those who are considered poets. But I am a decent writer, and in my decent writing I will elaborate on one of the most enigmatic and marvelous human beings I have ever met in my 22 years of existence.

Dustin Ashley Beam swept into my life in June of this year when we were both cast in a production of Godspell. I was at a point in my life where I didn't really know where I belonged (I was living with my engaged friends, I had just broken up with this guy, I hated my job) and having the show to escape to was something I was looking forward to. The only downside was that I didn't know a single person on cast and they all seemed to know each other. Luckily they were incredibly welcoming and lovely people and made me feel as though I fit in from the start. There were a couple castmates that I always viewed as being more talented and cooler than me; Jen, Jeremy, Duane and of course Dustin. I think he would agree with me when I say we were wary of each other in the beginning. I tend to shy away from those who are the center of attention (he doesn't demand it, people just seem determined to pay it too him) and I'm sure I looked a little different from everyone else, I kept to myself quite a bit at first which could have been interperated as coldness. Either way it took me a while to get to the point where I felt like I could approach him......it sounds like we're dating. And to be completely honest I'm not all that sure how it happened. I remember the two of us forming our first Megan and Dustin bubble during a movie when we saw Dark Knight and after that it somehow became a ritual for us to brush our teeth together before a show, which I still miss.

I was terrified after the show ended that I would never hear from him again, like a guy who takes you on the best date of your life and then never calls. But of course he did.

Dustin is easily one of the best people I know. He loves absolutely and unselfishly, a quality many people wish they had. He never truly lost his childlike wonder and because of that I am constantly in awe of him. That ability to never allow himself to become jaded or cynical is a wonderous thing. He is completely comfortable in his own skin and knows he is a talented man who has much to offer the world. But in the eyes of those that love him solely on who and what he is, he is what you want your son to grow up to be, he is who you hope your soulmate emmulates, he is everything a best friend is and should be. He makes me a better person. It really is too bad that he likes men also because if he didn't I would marry him. But instead I will settle for him being one of my best friends.

Dustin, you said I was your find of 2008, well you my love are just my find. Because there isn't anyone like you in the whole universe. I love you.

Staring at the bottom of a well

I don't write on here as often as I would like to, mainly because there are times I start out with one idea and end with a completely different one. And most of the time I end up writing depressing and morose subject matter. I'm going to start out that way today, but I'm hoping by the end I'll end on a lighter note.

I've been in hiding lately, my thoughts have been running at a lightyear a minute. I can't seem to keep myself still and I'm never quite happy. I'm the lonliest I've ever been but the idea of dating sends literal shivers down my back. Me and dating has never been a good idea, it always ends with a pathetic phone conversation and me thinking "yup that ended just like the last ridiculous excuse for a relationship I had". But I've come to the point where I don't do anything, I'm in a rut you might say. The word routine is such a bland word for what I do everyday that I don't even want to use it. I even wake up at the same time everyday, I can't seem to help myself and no matter how hard I try I can't make myself go back to sleep.

I leave my phone at home all the time. I honestly don't remember the last time I took it with me when I left the house, which I realize probably isn't the best idea in the world. But the thought of checking it non-stop just to see that nobody has called me is one of the most depressing things ever. And so I leave it stuck underneath my pillow, as if not seeing it makes it nonexistant.

Now, I don't want it to sound as if I'm unhappy, or that I somehow hate myself. Because believe me I don't. In fact, I've spent the last year and a half getting back to a place where I like who I am. But this time of year.....well its difficult to explain. I love Christmas, I always have. I love the lights and the cold weather, I love wearing sweaters and scarves and mittens, I love Christmas music and drinking hot chocolate. But last year was maybe the worst Christmas I've ever had, and this year for some reason brings some of it back. But it also makes me realize just how far I've come. Not in an "I'm an amazing woman and I kick ass" way but in a "time really does heal things" way.

Someone said to me recently that I've changed, that I'm not the same person I was. And at first it hurt because two years ago I really liked who I was. I was the most independant person I had ever known, really I was the most independant person a lot of people knew. I was cynical and funny and for all intensive purposes grumpy about 90% of the time. I'm all of those things now, but I'm a lot more vulnerable, I'm more sensitive to people and to some extent I'm more introverted....if thats possible. But I'm also kinder, which I didn't think would ever be possible. Yes, I still have a tendency to tell people they're morons, but I might say it in a nicer tone. I can also hold a conversation with a complete stranger.

I have also met some of the most important people in my life over the last year and a half. People I'm not sure I could live without now. People who have changed me for the better.

So, are there times when I wish I could pack up everything and move somewhere where nobody knows me. Yes, absolutely. But it wouldn't fix anything. And I don't think it would get me out of the rut I'm in now. I just wish something would change, I wish something would happen. Because I've decided I don't deal with boredom very well.

Sitting at the Cool-kid Table

Last night at work there was a little girl who was eating with her family and she had this sweater with a hood that had mouse ears on it, and the entire time they ate she wore the hood with ties tightened around her face. Next to her family was a table of girls that were probably between the ages of 10 and 14, they were the type of girls who all wore the same clothes and shoes (Ugg boots) because they didn't want to stand out too much or be noticed for anything other than the fact that they had pretty hair and they giggled a lot. The girl with the ears would laugh at something her mom said and then hug her father or do something goofy and then look over at the other table of girls to see if they had noticed or if they were making fun of her. While standing there I realized something; I was that little girl when I was growing up. Slightly awkward, never really fitting it, always wishing I could sit at the cool-kid table. But I realized something else while sitting there, now that I'm older, I'm glad I never sat at the cool kid table, those girls were boring and annoyed me. Where as the little girl with the mouse ears made me laugh the entire time they were there.

The Rantings of a Lunatic At Sea

Here are three of my favorite poems.

Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all we shall know for the truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you and I sigh.
"A Drinking Song" by W.B Yeats.


I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead,
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
~"Mad Girls Love Song" By Silvia Plath



Ever been kidnapped
by a poet
if i were a poet
i'd kidnap you
put you in my phrases and meter

You to jones beach
or maybe coney island
or maybe just to my house
lyric you in lilacs
dash you in the rain
blend into the beach
to complement my see

Play the lyre for you
ode you with my love song
anything to win you
wrap you in the red Black green
show you off to mama
yeah if i were a poet i'd kid
nap you
~"Kidnap Poem" By Nikki Giovanni"

Dancing down the cobblestones

I'm sitting in the library at 8:30 in the morning. I'm contemplating going to purchase some coffee. Apparently the library is updating its furniture. *Nothing in the world would help update this library that looks as if it just came off of a Bob Newheart shoot*

I keep thinking about where I was a year ago. I keep thinking about how much can chang in a year. And I keep thinking about how I swore I was going to stay the same person forever. What I mean by that is, I swore I was never going to get any better; I swore I was going to stay in the same "rut" for the rest of my life. Locked up in that little apartment watching sad....sad movies all by myself eating cereal and juice and coffee forever. Occassionally going to class, but even then if I went to campus I would still leave in the middle of the day to wander around Little Rock. And then at night, I would drive around town listening to music too loud until I was too tired to drive. I would go through cycles of wanting to talk to someone so badly that I would call practically everyone in my phone, to not answering my phone for days.

Yeah, I knew I was slightly crazy. But I was alright with it because I didn't know how to be any other way. And because I didn't know how to be any other way, I honestly didn't think I was ever going to get any better. But time does pass, even when you think its the most unlikely thing to ever happen, and each ticking of a second feels like the passing of a day. Time does pass, and time does heal. As horribly cliche as that sounds.

And now, I am exactly where I want to be. I would not say that everything is perfect, because no one's life is perfect. And if someone is saying that, they're lying. But I'm where I want to be. I have a job I like, I'm living exactly where I want to live. I have the most amazing friends I've ever had. I might not get to see them as much as I'd want, but its ok. And the part that I'm most alright with, is the fact that everything is not alright. I would be scared if everything was perfect, if my life was completely in line. I like the fact that I have to struggle, that I have to fight.

I had it great and perfect for a while, and then my world exploded. Great and perfect? Its not all its cracked up to be.

Juxtaposition With a Rose and a Tulip.

I will admit, if we're being honest; and I think we might as well, that I haven't been writing on here because I'm been putting down all of my thoughts in writing. Not for any particular reason, I suppose because its easier and for some reason my thoughts seem more congruent on paper.

I've been in a bit of a funk. Why, my avid reader, you might ask? Because I'm annoyed by everything and everybody. During a conversation with someone, and it doesn't matter who, I find myself lost in my own thoughts. Partly because I've been consumed in my own world but also because I simply don't want to be engaged in a conversation with anyone. And then once I realize that the other person realizes I'm not paying attention I'm annoyed at them for being annoyed. Its a strange dichotomy.

This is me at my most anti-social. I thought maybe I was unhappy for some unexplicable reason, but after some heaving thinking I came to the realization that it is just the opposite. I'm strangely happy for the first time in a very long time. There's nothing dramatic going on, I go to work and I go to school and I'm completely serious when I say there really isn't anything else going on. And for the first time in over a year there is no male trouble, I am completely and totally fine with the fact that I have no romantic interests right now. I prefer it that way, its taken me too long to get to this point to mess it all up again.

So why then am I suddenly a virtual introvert? I really have no answers, nor do I really have any theories. I've never been stellar when it comes to keeping conversations flowing, but this is a bit ridiculous. And the idea of having to be perky leaves me a little sick. I'm hoping it will pass, because I know most people don't understand it. I'm not sure I do for that matter.

And We Took Our Bows To The Anxious Crowd

So what exactly is it about my genetic makeup that makes me predispositioned to find guys who are neurotic and can't make up their goddamn mind?

Here I was rather content to just hang out with him and hold hands. And he's practically having nervous breakdowns about the fact that his life is apparently not put together.

We're 22 years old. No one's life is put together at 22 years old!

I'm just so exhausted. I mean really tired. I just want someone who wants to be with me, and is ok with just being with me. Someone who isn't completely obsessed with what is going on in their lives, or what isn't going on in their lives.

I suppose I should be greatful that he didn't just drop off the face of the planet and stop talking to me all together. But he's the one who started this in the first place. I didn't ask him to talk to me again. I was completely fine without him.

Stupid indie, pretentious, tattoo boy.

Why can't I hate him?

Why do I still want to be friends with him?

At least this isn't as bad as the last one. Thank God for that. No laying in the kitchen floor, no crazy ranting.

I'm done though. I am soooo done.

All Thats Left Is Whats Debatable Again.

It's been annoying me ever since you asked and I gave a crappy answer, considering it's what I want to spend my adult life teaching. I should be able to explain to my students why history is important, why it is so much more than a bunch of old dead guys and dates, and why they should give shit. But it's difficult when it seems like nothing more than facts. Events that took place in a time that never mattered to you, had no adverse effect on what is going on today. And it's especially hard when we all realize that we won't end up in any history or record books and that eventually we will be forgotten. I understand that will all of these things stacked up against it the subject of history seems, to put it mildly, boring. Antique. Unnecessary.

But if you will just allow yourself to stop looking at history as a dead and decaying subject and instead realize that it is very much a living, breathing thing. History is what is happening right at this very moment, it's what happened yesterday, it's what will happen tomorrow or a year from now. It may be a terrible example but, our kids are going to ask us what it was like to be alive when September 11th happened; where we were, what we were doing. Hell, they may even ask us what we were doing when the blackout in New York happened. All of it is history, we may not see it that way, but it is. We don't even know what future generations will find fascinating......maybe the "Emo Movement"?? This recession will be talked about, close to how the Great Depression is talked about. I'm not saying we'll be in bread lines and we'll tack on signs outside our towns telling people that transients aren't welcome, but in our century its probably as close as we'll come. We'll talk about George W. Bush like our parents talk about Nixon. History is not old and dusty, it just has a bad reputation for being that way, because that is how it is taught most of the time.

I was wrong when I said we learned from our mistakes. We don't for the most part. Otherwise, we wouldn't still have genocides, only in different countries. There wouldn't be anymore war, world or civil. American's wouldn't be trying to shove democracy down everyone's throats because they would know that you can't force a form of government on a people. But these things still happen, of course they do; because people, especially world leaders, are morons and it's a shit, shit world. Except, I believe we, as a human race are capable of learning from our mistakes. Countries by themselves have learned from their past; America no longer practices slavery, Britain is no longer colonizing India, Russia is no longer Communist......probably. So yeah, the world is not perfect, but I think we can try.

On of the most important points to me, although maybe not to anyone else, are the people throughout history who have died for what they believed in, or shown that greatness is possible. Those men and women deserve to be remembered. Franklin Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy and Lindon B. Johnson, they deserve more than to just be remembered as dead presidents. Margaret Sanger, Elizabeth I, Harriett Tubman, Rosa Parks, Catherine the Great; they all deserve more than to be remembered as merely women. The soldiers of the Revolutionary, Civil, and World Wars although we may no know all their names we can learn about the battles and their culture and remember them for what they sacrificed.

I could keep going, but I can't really tell if I've made my point or not. We don't disappear once we're gone, whether we know it or not. Everyone makes their mark in history, it just depends on how big you want your mark to be.

Till the Green Apple Grows on a Sour Apple Tree

Loose ends.

My life is a bunch of loose ends. Oh, I'm not trying to sound overly dramatic or make anyone feel sorry for me, it's just a fact really. It always feel like I have a million little things to finish.

Probably my fault most of the time.

Skepticism is a good emotion, even if you think its not. I promise its one of the best tools a person can have. Hold on to it if you keep nothing else. It's a hard lesson that I had to learn. I lost it and I trusted blindly.

The bitterness returns full swing.

Its hard not to let the bitter feelings, thoughts and mindset return. Its so much easier, so much safer. No one gets hurt. You don't have to trust, don't have to hope anymore.

Its the hope thats the worst.

So what am I doing now? I'm allowing myself to hope, and I'm not sure why. I'm skeptical, oh God. I can't afford to be hurt like that again. I won't survive. But I can't hide forever either.

Conundrum.

Just Because We Use Cheats Doesn't Mean We're Not Smart

God its been forever since I've actually written something on here. I'm considering putting this site on facebook or something, not because I want more people to read it but because I want people to understand. I tell someone that I went crazy and they give me a look like "yeah....sure, ok". But if they read the things I posted through August and September they'll understand. You can't help it.

What a scared naive little girl. And before that, what a starry-eyed idiot. Its amazing how much things have changed and how much things have stayed exactly the same. There are moments. I think everyone has them, moments when you know things are going to work out or get worse. I've had several, of both. But I'm no longer stagnant.

The stagnation was probably the worst, it was probably what was driving me to feeling so crazy, so close to that borderline between sane and over the cliff. Nothing moved, nothing changed, nothing happened, nothing got better or worse. It was as if I were being punished for something I hadn't done, for something I wasn't even aware of.

I'm getting too pretentious and stupid. My point, and I do have one. Is that things are better, but they aren't great. But I don't want them to be. I would be worried if everything was great. I would be worried if I had a ton of money and I'd met the love of my life and I were living in little rock in a great apartment and my car ran just fine and I had a fantastic job. I would be waiting for the bottom to drop out. I would expect a meteor to hit the earth or for a bomb to hit or something. Small time disasters are good if you think about them.

Last summer was too perfect. I had no complaints. Oh, I'm sure I did at the time, but looking back it was too great. I had the perfect guy and an awesome house that was constantly filled with people. I live with two of my best friends, I was working and I was always busy. And then look at what happened. The bottom exploded out from under me.

So I'm a little ok with the fact that everything kind of sucks right now.