Duct Tape and Soldered Wire

I've been listening to The Weakerthans non-stop lately. I now have every one of their albums and I'm pretty sure there isn't one of their songs I don't like. I highly recommend them on anyone who has even decent taste in music, and if you don't listen to them anyway so that you have something good in your library.

I've also been reading everything I can get my hands on. I always prided myself on being well read, but this was pretty much a bold faced lie. I mean, I read at a fast pace, and fairly intelligent but I don't read all that much. Except over the last month I've re-read everything I own and I've been buying books like crazy. I just got done reading a book called "An Unquiet Mind" it was incredible. Its written by a psychologist who suffers from bi-polar disorder. The way she describes the mania's and the depressions is so breath-taking. God I can't even imagine.....I just can't imagine. I'm now reading "Girl Interrupted" its actually quite different from the movie, but not so much that I'll end up hating the movie. Next in line is a Chuck Palanauk book, and then hopefully I'll have something in mind after that.

I'm trying to keep as busy as possible, I'm working whenever I can. For the first time ever, I'm telling them to call me if they need someone to come in. Believe me I was shocked when I actually said it, and even more so when I accepted the first time. The money will be nice to have, and it gives me something to do. Sounds pathetic right? I don't mean for it too, I just don't want to sit at home right now. The idea of it makes me itch. Imagine, me not wanting to be alone right now. A year ago and thats all I would have wanted, the idea of living alone would have been a dream come true. But now its just where I'm at right now.



Megan

Anyone heard of Suffrage?

Once apon a time I wrote about actual issues that meant something to me on here. Yeah I know I said I was done. Sue me, whatever.

Today while driving to school I was listening to NPR (If you don't know what that is, then shame on you) and they were talking about a trial that is taking place in Utah between a polygamist and one of his wives. He raped the girl when she was 14 and then forced her to marry him, the prosecuting attorney is now bringing out photos of her honeymoon in which she is smiling as evidence that she was happy in the marriage. Sound fishy to anyone else?

First of all, polygamy is a little strange in itself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a person to judge anyone on their beliefs. It is not my job to tell anyone they're wrong. Personally I'd be bored to tears if we all believed the same damn thing, so I'm glad that there's some crazy ass people out there. But the fact that there are people out there that think its perfectly fine to have 7 or 8 spouses is just a little odd you know? I mean its hard enough to have a normal relationship with one person let alone 5 other people.

I digress.

The prosecuting attorney is forcing this poor girl to re-live the experience of being raped by her second cousin, not to mention a man twice her age. And then they make her sister get on the stand and testify to the fact that she herself was almost forced to marry a man that was 85 years old. These are people that honestly think that women have no right to say no to men. Excuse me if I'm correct, but it is 2007 and not 1777 right? I know I'm repeating myself when I say this, but our ancestors did not work as hard as they did (Margaret Sanger, Elizabeth Stanton) so that we could still live in the dark ages. And then for an issue like this to basically go unnoticed. Its ridiculous people. We need to stop focusing on issues like what Britney Spears is doing to her hair and start focusing on issues like what people are doing to their children and how women are being treated in todays society.

We've come a long way, it is true. But we still have one hell of a fight ahead of us.

Megan

Gearing Up To Scream

Alright, so this is it for this blog. I keep forgetting. Ok thats a big lie, but we'll just go with it yeah?

We'll go with this one and say that things have been going relatively well the last few weeks. The place is great.....yeah thats right its great, being all alone. Its nice to be a grown up and have a place to myself, not to live with the family or with roommates, to come and go as I please.

I got my financial aid the other day and I seriously considered just leaving. Driving to Chicago or Seattle or maybe Denver. I'd like to see where I was born. I could do it, just pack up and move, go where nobody knows me. Start over, get a job at a measuem somewhere. It was incredibly appealing....I'm still not sure what stopped me. Probably fear. Yeah, probably.

My professor broke his leg last night so class is canceled today. Too bad. I might actually go to the bookstore today.

God I love the Old 97's.

I'm writing a lot. I bought a journal, it'll probably join all the other journals I buy in my journal graveyard pretty soon. But for now I'm writing. So here's this.

Blue and green. Purple, pinstripes. Ever so lucky right? The marathon was run by the wrong person, too bad no one won the ribbon. So here she sits back on the cliff with the windows burning behind her. Music too loud, laces too tight. Answering a question that hasn't been asked. Warning Will Robinson! That was my band first. Breaking hearts, tangled hair. Blood on the moon, not quite. Starry skies and rainy streets, its all part of the game. I'm not very good at playing.

Megan

And Now For Something Completely Different.

Razgrad, Bulgaria, 1962

Edit: The auras have started again. Damnit.

At last! Oh thank God at last! I can breathe! I can breathe! School has started, and I can take a breath.

I feel.....I don't have a word for it. Its like when the main character of a book or a movie has been revived and she's walking down the street to ass-kicking music and you know that everything is going to be ok. And she's got that smirk on her face like she could take on the universe. That is how I feel right at this very moment. God I feel brilliant. And I don't care about anything. Not a goddamn thing.

I just got out of Philosophy, and I don't know why I hated it so much. I'd taken it at UCA, and its the only class I've ever dropped. But for the life of me I can't recall why. It was amazing. My professor is hilarious, he curses like a sailor and makes no excuses for himself. He explained the class in a way that everyone was comfortable with but at the same time he didn't sugar coat it. He told us it would be hard and that there would be times when we would probably want to drop because we wouldn't like what he was talking about. Although I doubt I'll have many problems.

It was so great to walk onto campus this morning and have everything be so quiet, so still. I've missed it, and I'd forgotten how much I'd missed it.

"You've got questions, we've got answers" thats what the big plastic banner in one of the planters said in front of the student center. The design looks like something they ripped off of a pair of Chuck Taylors. All of the posters in the library say things like "Read into Success" I don't know where they come up with that shit. I wonder if someone just sits in an office all day and thinks of the cheesiest slogans they can come up with.

What a job that would be.

Being back here makes me realize I really do want to teach. I want more than anything to stand up in a classroom and talk about things like the Bolshivik Revolution and the Civil War. And when my 8am classes just stare at me I'll piss them off so that they have to discuss things with me. Yeah, I'll be one of those professors. I'll be heinous, and I'll be great.

Meg

One Last Time

Ah Goddamn it! There I was, I had my chance to say anything to him, and I just kept saying the same blasted thing over and over again!! God I suck.

Well here it is, here are the things I didn't say. You ready, of course you are. You already think I'm crazy. And if your still reading this, then you get what you deserve.

So go ahead and drop off the face of the earth, I probably will too. But I'll drag you out of whatever hole your hiding in. Go ahead and date some vacant little girl who can be arm candy and blend in at all the events, sorry I just couldn't make myself do that. Go ahead and take me off your top friends list and take down all of our pictures if it makes you feel better. Yes it will hurt me, but I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself.

You know what I miss the most? I miss my best friend, the person I could talk to about anything or sit in complete silence with. The person who would crack up with me at just a look, the person who has the same taste in music and movies and books. But that person is gone right now, he's not the person who sat in front of me today. But I know you can be again. Your a good guy, your a guy who brings his mother flowers, your a guy who loves thunderstorms, your a guy who feels bad if he has to ask his friends for a favor, your a guy who cross-stitches for God sake! Your a great friend, and a good man.

So fine, take whatever time you need, I'll admit I still need some time too. But you can't just make me disappear. You made a mistake when you let me in, I'm not going anywhere so just suck it up. And stop acting as if I'm going to throw myself at you and beg you to take me back if you talk to me, I have some pride for Christ' sake!

All I'm asking is that you stop being so cruel, there's really no reason for it. And for the record, you should know me well enough to know that I'm not going to go out and fuck every guy I meet now, its just insulting.

So when you decide to stop being a jackass, give me a call, we'll go have coffee or something. I'm always here, I actually mean it when I say it. You have your stuff back now, your shoes you just had to have back for work today.

By the way, I'm about to move into my apartment, you should stop by.

Meg

And I Think To Myself, What A Fucked Up World.

Second Edit: Sorry.

I'm tired of National Geographic, but couldn't decide what else to put up here. I might put something up later.

I've decided that I'll keep posting on here because I'm not going to change my life around just because of something that happened. Yes I realize you will probably read this, if you don't thats alright too. I need somewhere to put my thoughts, I could put them on my desktop but its not as lethargic as knowing they might be read by random people.

One day I'm completely pissed off. I could not be more angry, I want answers that he is not willing to give. I don't understand why he is being so cruel! Why can't he just leave it be? Yes I talk about it, about him. But I have not said one unkind thing. So why must he? It hurts worse than anything else could. Maybe thats the reason. Maybe he's trying to hurt me. I really shouldn't react, I should revert back to elementary school days and just ignore it, but Jesus it is hard. I want a fight so badly, I want to scream and yell. He robbed me of that by being so completely unemotional, so blank. It isn't fair damnit!

The next day I'm actually alright, I want nothing more than to move on. I'm ready to get past it all. I absolutely cannot wait until school starts. I am so ridiculously excited about moving into my little apartment! God, how fantastic will that be for me to just be and not have to make excuses to anyone? I'm looking forward to the prospect of becoming a different person. A little of who I was, and a little of who I am. Kind of like a really great recipe. Because lets face it people, I changed. I changed a lot.

Which brings me to my next point. I'm finding my intelligence again! I hadn't realized I'd lost it until my sister told me she'd missed my brain. I hadn't realized I'd missed it too. Why had no one told me? Why was he the only one trying to inform me that I had lost the ability to hold intelligent conversations? There's something wrong with that!! I miss how witty I once was, how cynical I could be. God I was marvelous sometimes. Yes I was arrogant but thats one of the things I loved about myself. And suddenly it wasn't there anymore, it vanished in a puff of hearts and bunnies and flowers. I was doe eyed. Doe eyed for God's sake! Me! The most bitter person I've ever known! And maybe that was also part of my problem, I was a little too bitter. And so I'm not reverting back to the bitterness. I like that he taught me not to be bitter, that I didn't have to be.

In a lot of ways I'm starting fresh. My new apartment, school. I'm taking a leave of absence from work. God I hate those people. This is a new beginning for me. I think it will do good things for me. Yes this is hard, yes there are times I want to curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head, but this is a wonderful/horrible learning experience for me at the same time.

Do I hate him? Absolutely not. I never will. I hope he doesn't hate or dislike me. Yes I wonder about him, yes I worry about him. I can't help it. But I'm getting better, I'm moving on. Its the healthy thing for me to do right now.

I told him he was a wonderful person, and I still know he is.

I'm trying to become one.

Megan

Edit: I was always excited to see you, always. I didn't want to show it toward the end because you never seemed excited to see me. I didn't want to seem pathetic by allowing my face to light up every time I saw you. But the way I acted whenever you would come over and wake me up? That is how I felt inside.
A big stupid grin.
Just thought I'd let you know. Nerd.

I have found my anger.

Megan

The Best Thing

Redwood National Park, California, 1983

Am I angry? There are moments when I am. There are moments when I wish I were strong enough to punch a hole in the wall and that would be enough. I wish I could go into the woods and scream, and scream, and scream until my voice gave out.

Am I sad? A little. My eyes hurt. My tears are done. There are no more for you. I guess the anger isn't gone.

Am I lost? Yes, most definately. I don't know where I am anymore. I don't know how to find myself right now. I've been gone for a very long time, years it feels like. I thought this would be a good idea, working it out it felt like. But no, instead it was just me crying on one end and you stoic and monotone on the other. Good idea me.

My tears are done, there are no more for you. It doesn't hurt as much anymore if you want to know. I'm sure you don't. You didn't seem too concerned earlier. You probably won't check this. Thats fine, great in fact. I'll still check on you. You're too important.

Do I understand? Yes.

I wish I could hold you one last time, I wish you would let me. I know you won't, thats alright.

I am Megan Victoria Shapley. I will be fine. I WILL BE FINE.

Week Two in the Padded Cell

Vettismorki, Norway, 1999


Its been a long week. It hasn't been bad, it hasn't been good, its just been long. I think that in itself has proven to be a good thing though. The fact that I've been able to make it through and still have my sanity about me is what really matters.

I'm moving. Into my own little cottage where I don't have to deal with crappy roommates and even louder friends. I can just be, I can be as anti-social as I want and I don't have to apologize to anyone. As you can probably tell I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to not moving furniture, and not having to worry about bills or who's paying them, or who is buying groceries, or if anyone is even buying groceries.

Job interview tomorrow, terribly nervous. I have a tendency to clam up and not say much. Bad idea at a time like that. God how wonderful it would be to no longer work at Target. I really hope I don't fuck this up.

Things are going well, I'm not pushing. At least I don't think I am. I sincerely hope I'm not. I'm happy.

Meg

Week One of The Padded Cell

Great Skellig Island, Ireland 1977



I told you I would love you forever.

People keep telling me to date, but the thought makes me physically ill. Being with someone other than Andy makes me want to curl up in bed and cry. I realize that everyone will say this is because its only been a week, but it has been a week. I've always been able to get over things fairly quickly, moreso than most. And yet I feel no better than I did on Monday, only with less tears and thats only because my tear ducts are basically dry. There's a space in me that he used to occupy that is now empty.

I miss sleeping in his bed, I miss his smell. I wear his shoes just so that there's some part of him around me. I miss his laugh. He calls it companionship that he misses most. I just miss being that comfortable with someone. I miss being able to reach over and brush his hair off his forehead......or play with it when it was wet. To lay on his chest and hear his heart beat. To fall asleep next to him and know that I was completely and totally safe. Is that just companionship? I don't know.

Meg

The Inner Workings Of A Crazy Girl

Olympic National Park, Washington, 1984


Stop telling me I'll be okay. What if I won't be? What if I will? The advice of others is appreciated but there is such a thing as overkill. So whether I'll be okay or not is up to me, and I will decide when I've reached that point. But for right now, I'm not. I'm sad, I'm upset.

God, there are times when I understand completely, it makes perfect sense to me. Everything falls into place, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. And then there are those times when I shake my head and say "This makes absolutely no sense at all! What happened? In what universe did I agree to this? How are either one of us happier with things put this way?" We sat in the floor holding each other, crying. You kept saying you should go and yet neither one of us could stand for you to get up and walk out the door. What part of that says "Yes this was the right decision."? "There are things that need to be worked out." "You need space, time to think apart." is what keeps being said. But that doesn't really make sense either. We were more comfortable and at home with each other than most people who have been together for years.

There is a piece of me missing now. Dramatic? Yes. And I am not a dramatic person, I tend to keep my distance from the dramatic. But I feel as though something has been taken from me and I can't find it. Something will happen during my day, and I'll want to tell him. Oh wait, but I can't. I'll think of a memory we made together and it feels like someone hit me in the stomach. I thought it was getting better, really I did. But instead I was just becoming numb to certain thoughts and so now I'm coming up with new ones and they hurt just as much. I'll hear a song he sang and it hurts. I'll see a motorcycle and it hurts. I'll drive down a certain street, or pass a certain restaurant, or I'll think of something he said or did.

I keep trying to control forces that are not mine to control. I keep thinking if I say or do something then maybe it'll change something. But then I have nasty little thoughts like "Has he stopped loving me? Oh God, what if he has? What if we're really over, what if we're really never going to be together again." And I know I can't change it, I know there's nothing I can do. I'm not trusting him. Which might have been part of my problem all along, not trusting him as much as I should have, as much as he deserved.

And so, if all I'm left with is the memories of what we had and the promise of what could be a great friendship then I should count myself lucky. I should count myself lucky for a lot of things. But right now, I'm sad. I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts like a constant toothache. I can't sleep yet, there's a big empty spot in my bed where he should be. And so I miss him, and I'll keep missing him for a while.

Stop telling me I'll be okay.

Meg

Complacency Is Not The Answer

Ilan, Taiwan 1993

This is mainly directed at you. Yes you. I know you don't understand why I am the way I am most of the time and believe me that is completely.....well.....understandable. And so because it is so hard for me to explain in person, let me explain in words.

Growing up in the family I did, you learn very quickly we are not the type of people who share feelings very well. So instead we just smile and say "Nothings wrong" because its much easier than getting involved with a bunch of messy emotions. We usually think out our problems ourselves. I never remember my parents talking about their problems, nor do I remember my brother or sisters doing it, therefore I don't do it, and when I do I feel awkward and stupid. I feel like a whiny girl who is weighing you down with my problems. A lot of the time I feel as though the things that are bothering me don't make any sense and so I just don't talk about them and I wait until they go away.

Being raised by Becky didn't make things much easier seeing as her personal slogan was "Suck it up." She taught me that a strong person doesn't whine about the petty things in life, they get over them quickly and worry about more important things, like bills and college. And so there is another reason as to why I don't talk about things that are bothering me.

You said that things are perfect for me. That is absolutely not true. I just don't let things get to me very often, and if something does I have a tendency to get over it within a matter of moments. Its years of training that you've just happened to witness right now.

If there is ever something seriously wrong I do tell you, most of the time its just me being me, and its nothing. But I will try harder, when you ask me why I have a "look" I'll try to find out why and answer. Sometimes I really won't know and if I say nothing is wrong is not because I don't trust you. I do, more than I've ever trusted anyone, its probably because I can't find the words or because I don't know whats wrong. Please don't get frustrated. Don't lose hope, I will try. There will be bad days, there will be awful days. But the good days will be worth all of it.

Just wait.

Me.

Sailboats and Paper hats

Crystal Lake, Vermont 1997

I'm sitting in the kitchen of a person I feel more at home with than my own roommates.

What is home? How do you know you're home? Is it just a place where you keep all of your possessions, or is it somewhere you know you belong? Because in that case why can't home be a person? These are all questions I've been asking myself as of late and I still haven't been able to answer any of them. Possibly because I don't want to know the answers.

Mistakes are something everyone makes, they're inevitable. You get in a rush to see what comes next in life and before you know it you've stumbled and spilled you're glass of Kool-aid. Oops! So how do you clean up something like that? There's no paper towels in life, no napkins, no mom to wipe up the tears. You have to be a grown up and do it all yourself. Ahh, there's the problem kids. The G-word. The one word we all hate hearing, the undeniable dirty word of adulthood. When you're a kid making a mistake is forgivable, but when you're a grown up making a mistake is something you're supposed to know better than to do. So what do you do? You own up, say you're sorry, clean it up as best as you can and walk on. Remember to keep that head up though. Can't let them see that smile faulter.

Meg

Punch-drunk Love and All That Stuff

Danger! Women's Suffrage Would Double The Irresponsible Vote.

Women's suffrage poster from Oregan circa 1912.

I haven't posted anything historical in a while so I thought I would have a go at some gender issues.

After taking my gender studies class for a while I've found that I too join the masses as a feminist, but I am not so hardcore as others. I don't plan on cursing the name of all men everywhere anytime soon, I realize that there's a reason men and women are so drastically different. And I absolutely sympathize with men everywhere who have to deal with winey, giggly, practically brain-dead girls everywhere. But keep in mind, you decided to date them, so now your stuck with them. There are intelligant, sane women out there, you just have to spend a little time and look for us.

I don't understand the "girls" who insist on acting as flipant and vancant as possible just so they can seem cute and attractive as they think other's will find them. Acting as though you have the IQ of a radish is not attractive. Our ancestors, it turns out, did not struggle for hundreds of years just so you could walk around in stelleto's and bleached hair all day long and say things like "I'm for serious!" And if your boyfriend does like that kind of behavior well then you probably deserve each other, but god help humanity if you pro-create......obviously Darwin's theory is not working out for the rest of us. I think Elizabeth Stanton and Margaret Stanton would be horrified if they saw women today *if you don't know who those two women are then go open a history book....or just look them up online and thank them everytime you or your girlfriend doesn't get knocked up* We are not holding up our end of the bargain, and those of us that are trying, are having to work overtime.

I was once told that we (my generation) are the 3rd generation of feminism, but if thats true, we're in trouble people. Because we're going backwards. There's not a lot of progression being made. Its all being done by women that are my mothers age, women that were part of the 2nd generation of feminism, the baby boomers. So what happens when they're gone? Are we doomed to the dark ages of high necked collars and no birth control? I'd rather live on the Arctic tundra thank you very much.

Meg

Bleary Eyes and Coffee Mugs

Copenhagen, Denmark

Another semester starts with library posters that say things like "Get lost in a library book" and entire class periods wasted going over sylibi. Everyone is walking around campus with that slightly glazed look on their face that says they tried unsuccsessfully to stay on their sleep schedule and ended up sleeping until noon most of the time.

Surprisingly I'm glad to be back, I'm ready to get back to my normal routine and start studying. I was getting ridiculously bored at home and am not looking forward to an entire spring with nothing to do. It sucks when your best friend is an entire ocean away. Its odd that her love interest is asking me for advice on what to do now that she's gone and is considering reconsiliating with her ex. Ryan (the love interest) is a really good guy, and deserves to be treated better, but then again so does Alexis. Now if they could just meet in the middle instead of just circling each other.

Its a little weird to think that I only have one more semester to go after this one before I graduate. I'll then have a degree under my belt and then its off to U of A to get my bachelors. Becky doesn't think I'm ever moving out, and thats fine really. I'm tired of arguing with her, trying to justify myself and prove myself to her. If she doesn't believe me now she will when I move out next spring. I'm not Katie, I don't make a habit of saying things and then forgetting I said them. My plans may seem grand in scale, but why is that a bad thing? I don't understand why I should want to work at Target for the rest of my life. Its not that I think Conway is a terrible place, its not. But I don't want to live here forever. I've always known I'd leave eventually, I've just never been in as big of a rush as Katie thats all. So once I graduate, I'll go to Fayetteville and then once I get my bachelors I'll probably go to Boston or maybe Seattle. After that who knows?

~M

Very Sad Day Indeed

Vermont


I don't count myself among the many overly emotional women that I know. In fact a lot of people say that I'm to realistic and have a tendency to act like a cold fish.
Today I had to say good-bye to my best friend, and I found it harder than I expected.
She's only going to be gone for four months, so it isn't like she's leaving for an incredibly exteded period of time. But at the same time, we've never lived more than a couple of blocks away from each other since meeting. An entire ocean away is a pretty big deal to the both of us.
It also sucks because the only other friends I have here happen to be rather lacking in the conversation area, and are still stuck in high school mode. Maybe I'm boring, but I find intelligence more stimulating than fart jokes and bad movies.
I expect this semester will be filled with things like work and homework. Things last semester should have been filled with but weren't.
Jesus, this is a terrible post.

~M