And Now For Something Completely Different.

Razgrad, Bulgaria, 1962

Edit: The auras have started again. Damnit.

At last! Oh thank God at last! I can breathe! I can breathe! School has started, and I can take a breath.

I feel.....I don't have a word for it. Its like when the main character of a book or a movie has been revived and she's walking down the street to ass-kicking music and you know that everything is going to be ok. And she's got that smirk on her face like she could take on the universe. That is how I feel right at this very moment. God I feel brilliant. And I don't care about anything. Not a goddamn thing.

I just got out of Philosophy, and I don't know why I hated it so much. I'd taken it at UCA, and its the only class I've ever dropped. But for the life of me I can't recall why. It was amazing. My professor is hilarious, he curses like a sailor and makes no excuses for himself. He explained the class in a way that everyone was comfortable with but at the same time he didn't sugar coat it. He told us it would be hard and that there would be times when we would probably want to drop because we wouldn't like what he was talking about. Although I doubt I'll have many problems.

It was so great to walk onto campus this morning and have everything be so quiet, so still. I've missed it, and I'd forgotten how much I'd missed it.

"You've got questions, we've got answers" thats what the big plastic banner in one of the planters said in front of the student center. The design looks like something they ripped off of a pair of Chuck Taylors. All of the posters in the library say things like "Read into Success" I don't know where they come up with that shit. I wonder if someone just sits in an office all day and thinks of the cheesiest slogans they can come up with.

What a job that would be.

Being back here makes me realize I really do want to teach. I want more than anything to stand up in a classroom and talk about things like the Bolshivik Revolution and the Civil War. And when my 8am classes just stare at me I'll piss them off so that they have to discuss things with me. Yeah, I'll be one of those professors. I'll be heinous, and I'll be great.

Meg

One Last Time

Ah Goddamn it! There I was, I had my chance to say anything to him, and I just kept saying the same blasted thing over and over again!! God I suck.

Well here it is, here are the things I didn't say. You ready, of course you are. You already think I'm crazy. And if your still reading this, then you get what you deserve.

So go ahead and drop off the face of the earth, I probably will too. But I'll drag you out of whatever hole your hiding in. Go ahead and date some vacant little girl who can be arm candy and blend in at all the events, sorry I just couldn't make myself do that. Go ahead and take me off your top friends list and take down all of our pictures if it makes you feel better. Yes it will hurt me, but I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself.

You know what I miss the most? I miss my best friend, the person I could talk to about anything or sit in complete silence with. The person who would crack up with me at just a look, the person who has the same taste in music and movies and books. But that person is gone right now, he's not the person who sat in front of me today. But I know you can be again. Your a good guy, your a guy who brings his mother flowers, your a guy who loves thunderstorms, your a guy who feels bad if he has to ask his friends for a favor, your a guy who cross-stitches for God sake! Your a great friend, and a good man.

So fine, take whatever time you need, I'll admit I still need some time too. But you can't just make me disappear. You made a mistake when you let me in, I'm not going anywhere so just suck it up. And stop acting as if I'm going to throw myself at you and beg you to take me back if you talk to me, I have some pride for Christ' sake!

All I'm asking is that you stop being so cruel, there's really no reason for it. And for the record, you should know me well enough to know that I'm not going to go out and fuck every guy I meet now, its just insulting.

So when you decide to stop being a jackass, give me a call, we'll go have coffee or something. I'm always here, I actually mean it when I say it. You have your stuff back now, your shoes you just had to have back for work today.

By the way, I'm about to move into my apartment, you should stop by.

Meg

And I Think To Myself, What A Fucked Up World.

Second Edit: Sorry.

I'm tired of National Geographic, but couldn't decide what else to put up here. I might put something up later.

I've decided that I'll keep posting on here because I'm not going to change my life around just because of something that happened. Yes I realize you will probably read this, if you don't thats alright too. I need somewhere to put my thoughts, I could put them on my desktop but its not as lethargic as knowing they might be read by random people.

One day I'm completely pissed off. I could not be more angry, I want answers that he is not willing to give. I don't understand why he is being so cruel! Why can't he just leave it be? Yes I talk about it, about him. But I have not said one unkind thing. So why must he? It hurts worse than anything else could. Maybe thats the reason. Maybe he's trying to hurt me. I really shouldn't react, I should revert back to elementary school days and just ignore it, but Jesus it is hard. I want a fight so badly, I want to scream and yell. He robbed me of that by being so completely unemotional, so blank. It isn't fair damnit!

The next day I'm actually alright, I want nothing more than to move on. I'm ready to get past it all. I absolutely cannot wait until school starts. I am so ridiculously excited about moving into my little apartment! God, how fantastic will that be for me to just be and not have to make excuses to anyone? I'm looking forward to the prospect of becoming a different person. A little of who I was, and a little of who I am. Kind of like a really great recipe. Because lets face it people, I changed. I changed a lot.

Which brings me to my next point. I'm finding my intelligence again! I hadn't realized I'd lost it until my sister told me she'd missed my brain. I hadn't realized I'd missed it too. Why had no one told me? Why was he the only one trying to inform me that I had lost the ability to hold intelligent conversations? There's something wrong with that!! I miss how witty I once was, how cynical I could be. God I was marvelous sometimes. Yes I was arrogant but thats one of the things I loved about myself. And suddenly it wasn't there anymore, it vanished in a puff of hearts and bunnies and flowers. I was doe eyed. Doe eyed for God's sake! Me! The most bitter person I've ever known! And maybe that was also part of my problem, I was a little too bitter. And so I'm not reverting back to the bitterness. I like that he taught me not to be bitter, that I didn't have to be.

In a lot of ways I'm starting fresh. My new apartment, school. I'm taking a leave of absence from work. God I hate those people. This is a new beginning for me. I think it will do good things for me. Yes this is hard, yes there are times I want to curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head, but this is a wonderful/horrible learning experience for me at the same time.

Do I hate him? Absolutely not. I never will. I hope he doesn't hate or dislike me. Yes I wonder about him, yes I worry about him. I can't help it. But I'm getting better, I'm moving on. Its the healthy thing for me to do right now.

I told him he was a wonderful person, and I still know he is.

I'm trying to become one.

Megan

Edit: I was always excited to see you, always. I didn't want to show it toward the end because you never seemed excited to see me. I didn't want to seem pathetic by allowing my face to light up every time I saw you. But the way I acted whenever you would come over and wake me up? That is how I felt inside.
A big stupid grin.
Just thought I'd let you know. Nerd.

I have found my anger.

Megan

The Best Thing

Redwood National Park, California, 1983

Am I angry? There are moments when I am. There are moments when I wish I were strong enough to punch a hole in the wall and that would be enough. I wish I could go into the woods and scream, and scream, and scream until my voice gave out.

Am I sad? A little. My eyes hurt. My tears are done. There are no more for you. I guess the anger isn't gone.

Am I lost? Yes, most definately. I don't know where I am anymore. I don't know how to find myself right now. I've been gone for a very long time, years it feels like. I thought this would be a good idea, working it out it felt like. But no, instead it was just me crying on one end and you stoic and monotone on the other. Good idea me.

My tears are done, there are no more for you. It doesn't hurt as much anymore if you want to know. I'm sure you don't. You didn't seem too concerned earlier. You probably won't check this. Thats fine, great in fact. I'll still check on you. You're too important.

Do I understand? Yes.

I wish I could hold you one last time, I wish you would let me. I know you won't, thats alright.

I am Megan Victoria Shapley. I will be fine. I WILL BE FINE.

Week Two in the Padded Cell

Vettismorki, Norway, 1999


Its been a long week. It hasn't been bad, it hasn't been good, its just been long. I think that in itself has proven to be a good thing though. The fact that I've been able to make it through and still have my sanity about me is what really matters.

I'm moving. Into my own little cottage where I don't have to deal with crappy roommates and even louder friends. I can just be, I can be as anti-social as I want and I don't have to apologize to anyone. As you can probably tell I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to not moving furniture, and not having to worry about bills or who's paying them, or who is buying groceries, or if anyone is even buying groceries.

Job interview tomorrow, terribly nervous. I have a tendency to clam up and not say much. Bad idea at a time like that. God how wonderful it would be to no longer work at Target. I really hope I don't fuck this up.

Things are going well, I'm not pushing. At least I don't think I am. I sincerely hope I'm not. I'm happy.

Meg