Complacency Is Not The Answer

Ilan, Taiwan 1993

This is mainly directed at you. Yes you. I know you don't understand why I am the way I am most of the time and believe me that is completely.....well.....understandable. And so because it is so hard for me to explain in person, let me explain in words.

Growing up in the family I did, you learn very quickly we are not the type of people who share feelings very well. So instead we just smile and say "Nothings wrong" because its much easier than getting involved with a bunch of messy emotions. We usually think out our problems ourselves. I never remember my parents talking about their problems, nor do I remember my brother or sisters doing it, therefore I don't do it, and when I do I feel awkward and stupid. I feel like a whiny girl who is weighing you down with my problems. A lot of the time I feel as though the things that are bothering me don't make any sense and so I just don't talk about them and I wait until they go away.

Being raised by Becky didn't make things much easier seeing as her personal slogan was "Suck it up." She taught me that a strong person doesn't whine about the petty things in life, they get over them quickly and worry about more important things, like bills and college. And so there is another reason as to why I don't talk about things that are bothering me.

You said that things are perfect for me. That is absolutely not true. I just don't let things get to me very often, and if something does I have a tendency to get over it within a matter of moments. Its years of training that you've just happened to witness right now.

If there is ever something seriously wrong I do tell you, most of the time its just me being me, and its nothing. But I will try harder, when you ask me why I have a "look" I'll try to find out why and answer. Sometimes I really won't know and if I say nothing is wrong is not because I don't trust you. I do, more than I've ever trusted anyone, its probably because I can't find the words or because I don't know whats wrong. Please don't get frustrated. Don't lose hope, I will try. There will be bad days, there will be awful days. But the good days will be worth all of it.

Just wait.

Me.