I don't write on here as often as I would like to, mainly because there are times I start out with one idea and end with a completely different one. And most of the time I end up writing depressing and morose subject matter. I'm going to start out that way today, but I'm hoping by the end I'll end on a lighter note.
I've been in hiding lately, my thoughts have been running at a lightyear a minute. I can't seem to keep myself still and I'm never quite happy. I'm the lonliest I've ever been but the idea of dating sends literal shivers down my back. Me and dating has never been a good idea, it always ends with a pathetic phone conversation and me thinking "yup that ended just like the last ridiculous excuse for a relationship I had". But I've come to the point where I don't do anything, I'm in a rut you might say. The word routine is such a bland word for what I do everyday that I don't even want to use it. I even wake up at the same time everyday, I can't seem to help myself and no matter how hard I try I can't make myself go back to sleep.
I leave my phone at home all the time. I honestly don't remember the last time I took it with me when I left the house, which I realize probably isn't the best idea in the world. But the thought of checking it non-stop just to see that nobody has called me is one of the most depressing things ever. And so I leave it stuck underneath my pillow, as if not seeing it makes it nonexistant.
Now, I don't want it to sound as if I'm unhappy, or that I somehow hate myself. Because believe me I don't. In fact, I've spent the last year and a half getting back to a place where I like who I am. But this time of year.....well its difficult to explain. I love Christmas, I always have. I love the lights and the cold weather, I love wearing sweaters and scarves and mittens, I love Christmas music and drinking hot chocolate. But last year was maybe the worst Christmas I've ever had, and this year for some reason brings some of it back. But it also makes me realize just how far I've come. Not in an "I'm an amazing woman and I kick ass" way but in a "time really does heal things" way.
Someone said to me recently that I've changed, that I'm not the same person I was. And at first it hurt because two years ago I really liked who I was. I was the most independant person I had ever known, really I was the most independant person a lot of people knew. I was cynical and funny and for all intensive purposes grumpy about 90% of the time. I'm all of those things now, but I'm a lot more vulnerable, I'm more sensitive to people and to some extent I'm more introverted....if thats possible. But I'm also kinder, which I didn't think would ever be possible. Yes, I still have a tendency to tell people they're morons, but I might say it in a nicer tone. I can also hold a conversation with a complete stranger.
I have also met some of the most important people in my life over the last year and a half. People I'm not sure I could live without now. People who have changed me for the better.
So, are there times when I wish I could pack up everything and move somewhere where nobody knows me. Yes, absolutely. But it wouldn't fix anything. And I don't think it would get me out of the rut I'm in now. I just wish something would change, I wish something would happen. Because I've decided I don't deal with boredom very well.
I've been in hiding lately, my thoughts have been running at a lightyear a minute. I can't seem to keep myself still and I'm never quite happy. I'm the lonliest I've ever been but the idea of dating sends literal shivers down my back. Me and dating has never been a good idea, it always ends with a pathetic phone conversation and me thinking "yup that ended just like the last ridiculous excuse for a relationship I had". But I've come to the point where I don't do anything, I'm in a rut you might say. The word routine is such a bland word for what I do everyday that I don't even want to use it. I even wake up at the same time everyday, I can't seem to help myself and no matter how hard I try I can't make myself go back to sleep.
I leave my phone at home all the time. I honestly don't remember the last time I took it with me when I left the house, which I realize probably isn't the best idea in the world. But the thought of checking it non-stop just to see that nobody has called me is one of the most depressing things ever. And so I leave it stuck underneath my pillow, as if not seeing it makes it nonexistant.
Now, I don't want it to sound as if I'm unhappy, or that I somehow hate myself. Because believe me I don't. In fact, I've spent the last year and a half getting back to a place where I like who I am. But this time of year.....well its difficult to explain. I love Christmas, I always have. I love the lights and the cold weather, I love wearing sweaters and scarves and mittens, I love Christmas music and drinking hot chocolate. But last year was maybe the worst Christmas I've ever had, and this year for some reason brings some of it back. But it also makes me realize just how far I've come. Not in an "I'm an amazing woman and I kick ass" way but in a "time really does heal things" way.
Someone said to me recently that I've changed, that I'm not the same person I was. And at first it hurt because two years ago I really liked who I was. I was the most independant person I had ever known, really I was the most independant person a lot of people knew. I was cynical and funny and for all intensive purposes grumpy about 90% of the time. I'm all of those things now, but I'm a lot more vulnerable, I'm more sensitive to people and to some extent I'm more introverted....if thats possible. But I'm also kinder, which I didn't think would ever be possible. Yes, I still have a tendency to tell people they're morons, but I might say it in a nicer tone. I can also hold a conversation with a complete stranger.
I have also met some of the most important people in my life over the last year and a half. People I'm not sure I could live without now. People who have changed me for the better.
So, are there times when I wish I could pack up everything and move somewhere where nobody knows me. Yes, absolutely. But it wouldn't fix anything. And I don't think it would get me out of the rut I'm in now. I just wish something would change, I wish something would happen. Because I've decided I don't deal with boredom very well.
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