The Best Thing

Redwood National Park, California, 1983

Am I angry? There are moments when I am. There are moments when I wish I were strong enough to punch a hole in the wall and that would be enough. I wish I could go into the woods and scream, and scream, and scream until my voice gave out.

Am I sad? A little. My eyes hurt. My tears are done. There are no more for you. I guess the anger isn't gone.

Am I lost? Yes, most definately. I don't know where I am anymore. I don't know how to find myself right now. I've been gone for a very long time, years it feels like. I thought this would be a good idea, working it out it felt like. But no, instead it was just me crying on one end and you stoic and monotone on the other. Good idea me.

My tears are done, there are no more for you. It doesn't hurt as much anymore if you want to know. I'm sure you don't. You didn't seem too concerned earlier. You probably won't check this. Thats fine, great in fact. I'll still check on you. You're too important.

Do I understand? Yes.

I wish I could hold you one last time, I wish you would let me. I know you won't, thats alright.

I am Megan Victoria Shapley. I will be fine. I WILL BE FINE.