Second Edit: Sorry.
I'm tired of National Geographic, but couldn't decide what else to put up here. I might put something up later.
I've decided that I'll keep posting on here because I'm not going to change my life around just because of something that happened. Yes I realize you will probably read this, if you don't thats alright too. I need somewhere to put my thoughts, I could put them on my desktop but its not as lethargic as knowing they might be read by random people.
One day I'm completely pissed off. I could not be more angry, I want answers that he is not willing to give. I don't understand why he is being so cruel! Why can't he just leave it be? Yes I talk about it, about him. But I have not said one unkind thing. So why must he? It hurts worse than anything else could. Maybe thats the reason. Maybe he's trying to hurt me. I really shouldn't react, I should revert back to elementary school days and just ignore it, but Jesus it is hard. I want a fight so badly, I want to scream and yell. He robbed me of that by being so completely unemotional, so blank. It isn't fair damnit!
The next day I'm actually alright, I want nothing more than to move on. I'm ready to get past it all. I absolutely cannot wait until school starts. I am so ridiculously excited about moving into my little apartment! God, how fantastic will that be for me to just be and not have to make excuses to anyone? I'm looking forward to the prospect of becoming a different person. A little of who I was, and a little of who I am. Kind of like a really great recipe. Because lets face it people, I changed. I changed a lot.
Which brings me to my next point. I'm finding my intelligence again! I hadn't realized I'd lost it until my sister told me she'd missed my brain. I hadn't realized I'd missed it too. Why had no one told me? Why was he the only one trying to inform me that I had lost the ability to hold intelligent conversations? There's something wrong with that!! I miss how witty I once was, how cynical I could be. God I was marvelous sometimes. Yes I was arrogant but thats one of the things I loved about myself. And suddenly it wasn't there anymore, it vanished in a puff of hearts and bunnies and flowers. I was doe eyed. Doe eyed for God's sake! Me! The most bitter person I've ever known! And maybe that was also part of my problem, I was a little too bitter. And so I'm not reverting back to the bitterness. I like that he taught me not to be bitter, that I didn't have to be.
In a lot of ways I'm starting fresh. My new apartment, school. I'm taking a leave of absence from work. God I hate those people. This is a new beginning for me. I think it will do good things for me. Yes this is hard, yes there are times I want to curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head, but this is a wonderful/horrible learning experience for me at the same time.
Do I hate him? Absolutely not. I never will. I hope he doesn't hate or dislike me. Yes I wonder about him, yes I worry about him. I can't help it. But I'm getting better, I'm moving on. Its the healthy thing for me to do right now.
I told him he was a wonderful person, and I still know he is.
I'm trying to become one.
Megan
Edit: I was always excited to see you, always. I didn't want to show it toward the end because you never seemed excited to see me. I didn't want to seem pathetic by allowing my face to light up every time I saw you. But the way I acted whenever you would come over and wake me up? That is how I felt inside.
A big stupid grin.
Just thought I'd let you know. Nerd.
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